penguin pandemonium

So it is that time of year again ... Christmas.
Tonight I am looking at penguin patterns - deciding what I'll use to make my son's amom's Christmas gift.

If you want the back-story click here.
That post ended with the pillows. 

The following year I made her a penguin tote.

I embroidered her first name initial on one of the larger penguins in the center ...

on the other side, in the corner on one of the smaller penguins I embroidered my initial too.

The next year I made penguin place mats.  Not very exciting, but I did use expensive silver thread to accent with.

Last year I planned to make her beaded earrings.  However, I had never done bead work before and did not expect the thing to turn out 2" long!!!  So instead I made it into a simple pendent on a simple beaded necklace.  

I should have turned it into a pin, but I had to get it done THAT day so I could drive it to the ungodly agency to forward the package on.

 

It was very interesting doing  bead work like that.  It was those teeny tiny seed beads.

Let me tell you, it took h o u r s.   I would love to make a choker necklace with seed beads like that some day. It would be very cool.  Black with a few light blue flowers.

Oh, sorry, I got distracted.  That's the way it is with a crafty mind ... it is hard to keep up with it sometimes.  And interestingly enough, several years what I made her for Christmas turned into ideas of what to make friends and family for Christmas too.


The year of the pillows I made pillows for everyone  at work, and  for all my sisters and nieces, my dad and mom, my hubby's entire family.  Each one was unique.  I didn't realize pillows would be so much like bunnies.

The same with the yea I made the totes.  I made over a dozen of them as gifts.  I picked designs for specific people.  From winter snow birdies, to Victorian roses, to bats, to flames and motorcycles.

Since making this one first, I've made a bunch of knot blankets as gifts.

So why do I do this?
Because it is clearly who I am.
I am creative and I love to make stuff for people.
I love to see their face light up.

When I started making gifts for her, it was back before they closed the door.
Once the pictures stopped, I was still the same person, and so I continue to send gifts.
Granted they're not worth a whole lot, but I made them especially for her.
A simple 'thank you' would have been nice, but it has never happened.  It probably never will.
When we expect anything in return, it is no longer a gift. 
These are gifts, because it is who I am.

However,

there will only ever be

 

just one

Fuzzie.

 

 

 

penguin

pandemonium

the Wishbone

The Wishbone

For me Thanksgiving has not been a happy holiday for a very long time.  How could I be happy?  It is only a month after my son’s birthday and everyone in the country is talking about family traditions, family recipes, family this, and family that.  My heart just hurts for the family I gave away – and how much I miss him.

This year I keep thinking about that tradition of breaking the wishbone. 

If a turkey was on your Thanksgiving table perhaps you kept the wishbone aside.

Do you remember the ‘rules?’

First is to not break the wishbone while carving the turkey.

After removing the wishbone from the bird clean it and sit it aside to dry.

You can’t really break it until the bone has dried, so you wait.

Finally the day comes when you each hold an end of the wishbone and pull. 

Whoever gets the larger end wins – and they get to make a wish! 

I remember a few times as a kid breaking the wishbone with my older sister.

This year I was pondering this whole practice, and thinking about how unlucky it is from the wishbone’s point of view. Something in my little head snapped as I realized that adoptees are usually the wishbone in the whole mess of adoption.

I kept thinking of my son and how I hope to hear from him, allthewhile realizing all the reasons of why I probably won’t.

I can’t imagine how ‘pulled’ he may be feeling right now

– pulled by the wishes of his adoptive family

– pulled by the hopes from his original family

I don’t want to hurt him,

So I passively? Fearfully? Hopefully? Almost patiently? wait

If/when he reaches out and there is a chance for reunion,

I don’t want to be party to him being torn, or splintered

–as if it is competition between me and his aparents 

Yes, I understand that the very fact he is adopted and has two sets of parents

He may already feel like he has to choose

But I don’t want it to be a pressure that comes from me,

I would not want it to become a lucky wishbone pull with him in the middle

If his aparents feel that way, I would have to let go of ‘my end’ of the wishbone,

I just don’t want to hurt him like that.

 

No 

wishbone

 pulling 

contest

 here

poem: Through the window

Through the window

 

I watch two mourning doves
sit in the tree far apart
'tis the cold of winter
it nearly breaks my heart

 

Would it be too hard for them
to sit upon the same branch
and keep each other warm
perhaps reduce  the draft

My son, not far away
won't turn to look at me
even though we are  perched
both here in this same tree

 

Hawk circles overhead
as shadow of its wings
pass over the two of us
alone and solitary



The shrill of her call pierces
through the cold and silent air
of her presence and danger
we are well aware

 

 Must we stay so far apart
as we sit up in this tree?
Which of us will be her prey
My son? No, let it be me.

 

 

 

apart

yet

in

the

same

tree

what does it feel like being a birthmother

What does it feel like to be a birthmother?

It feels like being the goat in this video

how

does

it

feel

?

 

They're afraid of me

What do you do when you’re feeling blue? 
Sad?
Depressed?

I hear some people shop, some eat, while others may sleep.

When the pain is crushing down and I am struggling tremendously to keep my head above water, Cheerio retreats into a world of dragons.

My oldest nephew says the movie Eragon is juvenile, but that movie resonates with me in so many ways.  There have been times that I've watched it five or more times in a week.  I can gague how I'm doing by how often I'm watching this movie. 

[If you haven’t seen it, or don’t remember much about it, I recommend you watch it.  If you do, this post (and possible future posts) will make much more sense if you do.]


Skip trough to the point that Eragon reaches the Vardan.
He is walking with Azihad through their community.
The people watch with sideways glances and avoid eye contact with him.

Eragon comments, “They’re afraid of me?”

Azihad replies, “Why wouldn’t they be?  There is no retreat from here, nowhere else to hide.  The suspicion has kept us alive all these years.  When word spread of a new dragon rider, we were expecting someone who was … more … what?  ”

“More than me” Eragon finishes.


That scene keeps replaying in my head.

In particular this phrase “They’re afraid of me…”    

“They’re afraid of me…”
Azihad’s response was basically “Of course they are!” 

I translate this to my son …
Last week I sent his birthday letter directly to his house with my full name and contact information.  He has not responded (yet).

“He’s afraid of me…”
“Why wouldn’t he be?  Until now you weren’t real.  You were ‘superstition,’ a speculation, a fantasy perhaps.  You were only imaginary.  Where can he go from here?  There is no where else to hide and this may destroy the image of you he’s already created.” 

"He's afraid of me..."

He's

afraid

of

me

...

paperweight

Have you ever a looked at a bug in a glass or acrylic paperweight?

No, I am not asking if you’ve seen the bug paperweights.

I am asking
              if you have ever LOOKED at
                                                                         the bug

in one of those paperweights?         

 

Have you ever thought about the bug?

There he is - suspended in time, unable to move to the right or left.
He cannot eat, breathe, or even blink.
He is paralyzed.


Adventure with me, if you would, and imagine. . .

What if it isn’t glass or acrylic?

What if, instead, it is a block of ice?

And

               What if…

What if the specimen inside isn’t dead?

Can you imagine being frozen in place like that? Can you imagine something being alive, alert, and fully aware of everything going on around, and yet being trapped and isolated from it all?

That ‘frozen in midair feeling’ is where I have been for the past few months.
The circumstance creating this paralyzing feeling has everything to do with my son.

In less than two weeks he will turn 18 years old.

     I have not written about this on my blog before now, but I actually know where my son is. November 16th will mark two years ago that I discovered his last name. With this crucial piece of information I found what school he goes to, and I’ve been able to track his progress in both track and cross country. In fact with him being a runner, I have uncovered quite a treasure of online pictures of him. Since his aparents have stopped sending pictures (again) these on-line pictures are a God-send!

     But having recent pictures is secondary to the tremendous sense of relief of actually KNOWING where he is, of KNOWING he is ok. I realize it is a worn out expression, but it felt like a weight was literally lifted from me.

     Another weight lifted is that neither he nor I will be held as a hostage, depending on the corrupt and dirty agency, Bethany Christian Services for a reunion. Bethany is just like all the other agencies that play games with people’s lives by not giving correct or complete information, by outright lying when adult adoptees inquire of their original information, and by charging ridiculous “searching” fees.

But that is a topic for another day.

     While I now know where my son is, I am being careful with this information. I have not attempted direct contact. He was 16 at the time and I figured it was too close to his 18th birthday to give his aparents any “legitimate” reasons to accuse me of foul play. I attempted to abide by the unspoken rules – for his benefit. If I rocked the boat and it made his aparents angry, who are they going to take that out on?

     It is a fiber-thin line and trying to decipher where it is at times has been somewhat tricky. To me the line ends at public events or information and I have avoided trespassing into his personal space. I have not driven by his house or his school, or even taken a detour of driving through his hometown. I very well could, since I am taking a course at a different campus this semester and have to drive by his exit for school.

     So, as time is ticking and I get ever closer to the goal of his 18th’ birthday, the ribbon to the finish line is now visible. I always dreamed about reaching the goal, but now it is so close, and I am terrified of messing it all up.

And here is where the frozen mid-air feeling comes in.

     I can’t be too positive. He is only 18, still lives at home, most likely will be very aware of how his ap’s feelings, will most likely be protective or careful to not hurt them, and he is probably as deep in the adoption fog as I was at one time (I was lost in there pretty deep).

     I have no idea what happened when his older brother turned 18 three years ago. Did he search? Was he found? Was there any sort of reunion? How did it go? Are they still in contact? Whatever happened I imagine impacts my son’s perception of a reunion.

    This leads me to the other reasons I can’t be too positive, he might not be ready for reunion. He may not be expecting that I already know where is and he won’t have to search.


BUT,
     I can’t be too negative either. A very dear friend reminded me of the psychology 101 classes and we talked about self-fulfilled prophesies. If I am afraid he will reject me, then I will think he will reject me, which will lead to behaving in a way that would make him want to reject me.

     Before finding my son’s name, much of my adoption journey has had this bug in the paperweight feeling. With all the unknowns you have no idea how to deal with anything, because none of it is based on truth – it was all based on imagination and guesses.

It is not a fun place to live at all. I have found it to be painful, very painful indeed.

Frozen

Alive

Like a bug

In a paperweight

When stuff isn't "just stuff"

This weekend there was a fire in our area.

Headlines read,

Couple's home destroyed by fire

 

By the time the fire departments arrived, the house was completely engulfed in flames.  “It appears the home is a total loss. The couple who lived there got out safely.”

 It made me think of a conversation from a few years ago. A group of us went out for lunch and were sitting around the tables catching up. One woman was describing some of her struggles since their house caught on fire earlier in the year. It was traumatic even though everyone got out safely.

  I mostly listened as she shared different aspects of her experience. Their house was damaged, but not completely destroyed. She summarized by saying that she is thankful no one was hurt or killed, and that is the most important thing, “everything else is just stuff and can be replaced.”

 

 “But what about pictures?” I interjected.

 Her response was that pictures are only mementos from events. She still has the memories of the events and the time shared with people.

 

 Oh, right.  That is what pictures are to most people – they are mere reminders of the experience – a snapshot of the time when …..

 

 But at the time that wasn’t the case with me. I have completely missed all the events, moments, and celebrations with my son – all those things that actually make the memory didn’t happen. 

 

 Since holding him for the last time at three days old, there were no more memories, no experiences, and no moments that we shared together. 

 

 The ONLY thing I had left of my son was the pictures.

 

 So, to me those pictures of him were

. . . .priceless,

              . . . .precious,

                                   . . . .irreplaceable!

 His adoptive parents have not always sent pictures, and even now they don't send pictures as they agreed to.  But when they did send pictures, I copied them, scanned them, even saved them to a CD and put it in our fireproof safe.

 

 Pictures of him were not “just stuff”– they were my sanity.

 

Pictures of him

were not

“just stuff”

    –   

they were

my sanity

Kerria japonica's lil yellow pompom flowers

As I sit on the deck and look out over my flower beds, my heart twinges.

Kerria japonica is a few paces directly in front of me here at the top of the hill. It is central, so I can see it with almost any view of the flower beds.

The Kerria produces the cute little yellow multi-petal pompom flowers that I can’t help but love.

In fact this picture on my blog is one of the Kerria I took a few years ago.

 

 

Kerria May was what we were going to name our little girl. You guessed it, her first name was inspired by this lovely, cheery, yellow flowering plant.

The Kerria blooms in the spring. In fact the past few Aprils the blossoms were opening at the time we should have been celebrating Our Little Flower Bud’s birthday. The flowers are beautiful in their own right, but they held such a special meaning to me. It actually brought a bit of comfort, not sadness, when I would see the little pompoms seemigly float in the wind. 

This week, three years ago, is when Our Little Flower Bud bypassed her journey in this world and skipped right on to the next.

Today,

the Kerria is dying. 

There are no leaves, no longer vibtrant life.

There will be no more of the cute little yellow pompom flowers.

When I see it, my heart twinges.  What else can I say?

Kerria's

Little

Pompom

Flowers

will be

no

more

Considering adoption for your baby?

 

I have one word for you to ponder –

 DON’T

Our society has become tainted by a pro-adoption point of view.  Every day events are colored by it since we were young, and we have assumptions about adoption that are pro-adoption biased.  It is this bias that concerns me for you, for your baby, for your family.

We see messages about adoption from the pro-life groups that claim that adoption saves babies from abortion.  But if you are more three months pregnant, abortion is not really an option for you at this stage anyway, so that false argument doesn’t apply.

We see in the news every few days another celebrity adopts.  The reports herald them as ‘heroes’ when they are actually fulfilling their own need.  Those needs vary from reasons of being incapable of getting pregnant or unable to carry full term, or reason of not wanting to ‘ruin’ her body by carrying her ‘own’ child, or the proclamation that they are rescuing a child.  None of those reasons are “in the best interest of the child.” It really is about fulfilling the need of the adopting person(s).

We see Bethany Christian Services exploiting expectant mothers in shows like “16 and pregnant” and “I’m having their baby”.  The point of those shows is to show adoption as normal and a loving choice.  If you have the opportunity to watch the 16 show again, carefully watch the reactions of the couple that did choose adoption for their baby.  Try to play the devil’s advocate as you watch.  Watch the interaction with the adopting parents.  Again with the most recent show, the treatment of the mother who decided to keep her baby (not ‘their’ baby) – the adoption agency showed a different face toward her.

Bethany Christian Services is not the only agency/professional that had two faces.  Most of them do – actually it is the majority who has two faces.  For an expectant mother they are your best friend.  They do everything to woo you into believing they care about you, that they care about your baby.  But what they REALLY care about is you signing that paper that terminates your rights to your baby, and gives those rights to them. 

If you are in contact with an adoption professional, please step back for a few moments and re-evaluate that relationship.  It is so hard to know who to trust in this time of uncertainty and fear.  It’s like winning the lottery; all of a sudden it is hard to know who your REAL FRIENDS really are.  People show up and pretend to be a great friend, but they have an ulterior motive called money. 

It is a gross conflict of interest that adoption professionals are even allowed to “counsel” expectant mothers because adoption professionals depend upon you giving up that baby so they can sell it and make profit.  Yes, even those that are supposedly “non profit”.

 
The marketing pro-adoption message is EVERYWHERE! 

There is one other place that you will hear only the praises of adoption, and it saddens me to say this, but church is a dangerous place for you.  It is not church itself, or the truths of the Bible, it is the people who blindly promote adoption.  The history of current adoption practices in America goes way back to religious organizations forming maternity homes for those sinful girls who got pregnant outside of marriage and needed to hide their pregnancies so as to not ruin the family reputation, and give the woman a chance to redeem herself from her fallen state via adoption. 

Church is also the perfect place for couples who are unable to have children of their own to mask their motive with “God called us to adopt.”  Right, He ‘called’ you to adopt after every other attempt at having children has failed?   The Bible is actually contrary to adoption as we know it.  However, the Bible DOES call people to care for widows, and orphans.  I’m sorry, but their proclaimed calling is just the desperation of their own unfulfilled desire.

When I say pro-adoption, I am referring to all the messages we get in a day, week, month that show only one side to adoption.  It is on billboards, it is on the radio, it is on tv, it is in the movies (Juno, The Odd Life of Timothy Green), it is right here on your own screen while you surf the web. 

If you make a comment about adoption, or visit adoption related pages, all of a sudden you start seeing adoption advertisements showing up.  FB is just one of the many places those ads appear.  You’ll see advertisements with messages like, “Pregnant? Scared? We can help” or “Hi, We’re Tim and Tammy and we’re looking for a baby to adopt.” 

The problem is that this one-sided point of view of adoption has so saturated our society that your friends and family may be encouraging you to give up your baby too.  They do not have an ulterior motive to make money, they genuinely care about you.  However, where have they gotten their information about adoption?  Movies?  TV?  Their hair-dresser’s cousin’s wife’s sister adopted, and the adoptee is happily adjusted?  If they have not done their own research and digging on ALL the effects of adoption (on Both the Mother and the Child), then they giving you biased support.

It is up to YOU to break free from the bias. 

It is up to YOU to empower yourself and find out not only the motives behind the people encouraging your to give away your child, but also find out what research they’ve done to give you BALANCED information.  It is ok to listen, but then follow up with a question, “where did you get that information?”

Here is one excellent source for you to start with.

It is a link to a pamphlet written by CUB (Concerned United Birthparents) and it is titled “What you Should Know if You’re ConsideringAdoption for Your Baby.”

 

One extra little word of caution for you regarding advice/support/encouragement from other mothers who have given up a child for adoption,  if she is relative new in her own journey, be wary of what she has to say.  Many cope with the loss of their child with unhealthy methods (such as denial), which is actually how the adoption professionals coach them.  It would behoove you to seek out mothers who have lived the adoption journey for 10 years or more.  Seek out those whose child is 18 and older, to get a glimpse of reunion with their child later in life. 

And please don’t believe most of what the adoption professionals will tell you about “open adoption” – it’s hard on both mother and child.  The damage/difficulty doesn’t outweigh the ‘benefits’ of adoption.

 
As I sat out on the porch this morning, I felt compelled to write this post.

I hope it helps one woman break free from the pro-adoption message that surrounds us all, and searches for the truer side of adoption that isn’t in the media.

 

 

Considering

Adoption

For

Your Baby

?

 

DON’T

LET

GO

!

 

song dedicated to his birthmother

I was talking with a dear friend of mine.  She told me she heard of a singer/songwriter she hadn’t heard before, so she googled him and found out that Mark Schultz is adopted and, she excitedly tells me that he wrote a beautiful song to his birthmom.  She has been waiting to tell me about it!

 I did not do a very good job at all with softening my response.  “Oh, great! Don’t tell me, it’s another song saying ‘Thanks for giving me away, I’ve had a great life, and I’m fine without you.’”

I could see she wasn’t at all expecting such a reaction.  She is a friend and I felt horrible for such a harsh response even though it was truly from my heart.  I know she had honest intentions, so I suggested that maybe I was wrong and promised to look it up. 

So look it up I did. 

This post is response to what I found. 

Believe it or not, what I found is worse, actually much worse than just “thanks, don’t need you.”  Let me share with you what I found.  My anger induced commentary is included, with no extra charge.

The below was uploaded on youtube by BS.  Yes, the diabolical UNChrist-like Bethany Christian Services, who rapes mothers of their babies to make a buck – in the name of God even.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z61zdZJ9uZc

disclaimer, video contains disturbing monologue

This very insightful interview starts of with the distorted “three options” rhetoric which claims abortion as one of those “options.”

   While it is true that abortion is a readily available option these days, it is NOT a valid consideration with women who give their babies up.  In FACT the in the 40 page counseling guide used to teach crisis pregnancy center workers how to talk women into giving their babies up, they clearly

   - in black and white

- they state

- they are not competing with abortion.

 

   With this, I agree. Those who are going to have an abortion have already done it and at the second phase of decision making – abortion is no longer an option.  So if they are not competing with abortion, then who or what are they competing with?!? 

 
   The question is answered by reading the entire sentence from the publication,  “Adoption really does not compete with abortion; it is competing with the emotionally compelling [and might I add, natural] alternative of parenting the child” (Young, 31)*. 

Did you catch that?

Abortion is not what they are fighting.
They acknowledge that they are competing against parenting. 

But why?
Simply said, if a woman chooses parenting, then they have no babies to sell and make their profit from.

   And yet people vehemently resist this fact?  

Near the end of the interview Mark tells that he sang part of his song at a Bethany fundraiser where someone told him of a pregnant girl in the audience decided to not have an abortion because of his song.

   Personally, I don’t believe that story. If all it took for her to “change her mind” was a song, she was not determined to abort – she was already doubtful. And yet they are going to use this as unproven proof that adoption save lives from abortion.

   Right, people don't want to hear that adoption professionals are competing with parenting, they WANT to believe that they are saving babies from being aborted!  That makes them feel good. 

But that is just not the truth! 

Do you want something that makes you feel good?

Or do you want the truth?

   The truth is that the adoption industry – Including Bethany Christian Services, who put ‘Christian’ in their name to appeal to a certain clientele as another piece in their marketing scheme to make adoption more accepted and more sellable – promotes adoption BECAUSE IT GUARANTEES REVENUE.

Moving back to this interview… did you listen to it? 

This man has not met his original mother – he has not heard her side of the story – he has no idea what her actual experience was.  This is not at all fantastic, but extremely cowardice of him to write a song pretending he is standing at her door.  Make no doubt about it – this song is not genuine, it is pretending, period.  How can it be genuine to write and sing (and make money ) about this subject that you aren't really willing to do yourself.   Don't tell it was inspired by what you 'would do if'  - when you clearly are not willing to actually do it. 

But hey, if you in bed with Bethany, then maybe you are just in  it for the money, like they are. 

So, What would he say? 

Having no clue of her experience, he would say

– “Thank you. I’ve had a great life.”

How predictable.  Pure adoption marketing at it's finest.

Further in the interview he discusses that he realizes that he could write a song to his own birthmom.   (hmmmm....is it a song born out of love inside, or just to make money with a new hit?) He goes on to describe a discussion with a “counselor” (who is an expert at coercing women into adoption).  She hears part of the song so far and she has a strong reaction because – she jut had her second child, and expressed to him that she has no idea what an expectant mom would go through in making an adoption decision.

Stop.  Rewind.  Replay.

 

She jut had her second child, and expressed to him that she has no idea what an expectant mom would go through in making an adoption decision.

Pause.  Evaluate.

Ok.  Here's what we have so far.
Two people involved in the history of this song.
Both are are seeing it with their own preconceived notions.  There is no indicator so far about getting actual insight from a mother who has gone through losing her child to adoption.

Later he mentions one person saying that "something is missing" from the song.  ((Duh, yeah, heart for one and not spitting in his mothers face with the "thank you" garbage.))  OOOOhhhh, they include him playing ball with his own son so it "comes full circle!"   Is it really a full circle if they've completly left out the original mother to start with?  Ummm, no.

If you made it through the video, it included clips from the released video with the song (whatever that technical term is).

Did you notice anything about the birthmother?  She seems pretty much ok.  Well, except when she is at the park when she goes into labor and all the Potential Adoptive Moms come in to grab her wet-fresh-from-the-womb baby. 

Let me tell you a little secret, the expectant mother - she is ACTING.  Right, she is a paid actor.  Sure, they tried to make it look like she cried a little when she handed her baby to the nurse at the hospital. That is so very far from reality. 

When I was in the hospital with my son, the last time I looked into his face I could not stop the tears.  It hurt to even breathe because my still beating heart was ripped from my chest.  It is over 17 years later as I write this and even now after all that time, the tears burn as they stream down my face and I try to only think about the day without feeling the horror and the trauma all over again.

 

Oh, when they pan a shot of the “birthmother” looking at her child’s picture while in college – and she smiles.  That is another bit of acting.  They ‘forgot’ to show the depression that nearly crushes the original mom.  They ‘forgot’ to show her tired she is, because of all the times the nightmares jolt her awake.  They ‘forgot’ to show the pain from when the adoption closes and the adoptive parents don’t let her have the visits or send pictures that was all part of the adoption agreement (which is not legally binding by the way).  They 'forgot' to show any of the torment.

   In the interview

   Mark goes on to say that someday in Heaven he’ll meet people who were born because of his song.  But the real clincher is the next thought.  He can’t wait until his birthmom meets these people too, (listen closely to his reason) “so she will know she didn’t make a mistake.”

 

Wow, that’s cold man. 

You’re going to pretend you know all about this woman, your original mother.  You’re going to put words in her mouth and pretend you know what she was thinking and feeling.  You are going to pretend that adoption was a willing choice she made – without realizing that adoption agencies, especially Bethany Christian Services, make gobs of money from needlessly separating families when they have the resources to help them stay together. You’re also going to continue your willful blindness right up until her death when you want her to meet strangers – but you don’t have the heart to risk meeting her yourself???

If my own son were to read this,

I would beg him to wait; to not say "Thank you" as the first words to me.  Instead get to know me for a period of time, and you’ll realize how much it would pierce the depths of my soul to hear “Thank you.” 

 Why?  Because it would actually mean,

“Thank you for being used like a womb for hire by those who profited by selling me.  Thank you for spending many years in agonizing pain and self-hate for making a choice from faulty information given to you. Thank you for separating me from my original father who loved me and waned to keep me. Thank you for making sure I’d never experience how great of a father he’d be. Thank you for not healing all those years so he would never have another child – and I will never have a biological brother or sister. Thank you for burning the possibility of a family.  Thank you for not loving me enough to even try parenting.”

No, please don’t thank me. 

Please forgive me, and let’s work at building a new relationship with the splintered pieces that are left.  That would mean Everything to me. 

*  Young, Curtis J. The Missing Piece: Adoption Counseling in Pregnancy Resource Centers. Washington, D.C.: Family Research Council, 2000. Print.

Everything

empty

and

hollow

FRIDAY 13TH

How was your Friday 13^th?

It was relatively uneventful in the Cheerio-world, except –

Except for one incredible event.

For some Friday 13^th is a bad omen –

but here – it was the opposite.

 It was a fantastic marker on my calendar.

Friday April 13th – 6 months to go until my son turns 18.

Friday 13th

6 months

to go

April Fool's - or not?

There is no better day of the year for Cheerio to have made her grand entrance into the world than April Fool’s Day (April 1^st), it matches my character perfectly. 

Being a prankster is apparently a genetic trait.  I got it from my father, and he got it from his mother.  For him it could have been learned behavior, but I say it’s genetic because I did not grow up with my father and the more I get to know him, the more apparent it is that the apple did not fall far from the tree.

For my birthday last year I got a tattoo.

It was fun watching people try to decide if it was real or not.

It was not a rash, spur of the moment thing. 

I wanted a tattoo to represent my son, and I thought about it for several years. 
Another original mom friend commented against it, “What if he[my son] doesn’t like tattoos?” was her thought.

“I’m not doing this for him,” I told her.  “I’m doing this for me.”

So I finally sketched out a design, and the tattoo artist tweaked it a bit for me.

Here’s the symbolism of my ink

Two hearts:

-the love between my husband and I

The unopened yellow rosebud is confined within the heart:

-our little flower bud, who will never bloom into her own independent person. 

-she was only a life known only by my husband and I.

The Orange calendula spirals piercing both hearts:

-calendula is the October birth flower

-our son was born in October. 

-my love for him grew as he did, and life without him constantly pierces my heart.

The dragonfly is moving from the outside of the heart:

-symbolizes our son, who was raised outside of our home.

-hopefully someday (soon?) the separation and him being on the outside with no direct contact or communication, will end and a mutual relationship can grow.

It is on my left arm, close to my heart.

April

Fools!

or

NO?