our babies ...

Sep 13, 2009 at 11:30 PM
our babies are not supposed to fit in a box as small as the palm of my hand
and yet,
this weekend,
that is where it ended for our Little Flower Bud
it ended on Saturday morning, 9/12 at 3am

it was obvious what I saw, and I gently wrapped that Always pad and set it aside, instead of putting it in the wastebasket

i feel fortunate that he/she was not just dumped into a trash bin while at a hospital or that i passed him/her w/out knowing

grotesque some may feel,

but i needed to show respect to this baby, no matter how tiny he/she was

after he/she passed, the pain lessened, but the dr still wanted me to go to the ER

7 hours in the ER before I could come back home

I made sure my hubby knew why that one pad in the flowery yellow wrapper was on the floor and he knew to not throw it away

we talked about a 'final resting place', and agreed where that would be

I rummaged around in my craft room looking for an appropriate box for our Little Flower Bud, and found one that was heart-shaped. I used purple tissue paper to line the bottom, and covered the Little Flower Bud with yellow tissue paper

it was so hard i didn't really cry, it was more like whimpering as i arranged everything in this heart shaped box

putting the lid on the box was something i didn't think about ahead of time - doing so broke me
i just lay on the floor crying, weeping, and shaking

my husband comes upstairs and sits on the floor near me
he rests a hand on my shoulder

eventually i get up off the floor and walk downstairs
i tied a ribbon around the heart shaped box holding our Little Flower Bud

just before it gets dark, we walk up the hill
beside the Bleeding Heart seemed the most appropriate spot

while my hubby was digging, i stood behind him watching
watching and holding the heart shaped box and a fresh picked creamy pinkish-white rose
i am somber as he digs

he turned to me and asked if I thought the hole was deep enough, nothing can describe the pain that once again washes over me when hearing those words
nothing can describe the pain to peer into a dark hole in the ground
but this must be done and i step forward and kneel on the ground

i wrap the heart-shaped box and place it in the bottom of the hole
i also put in all the color swatches i was using to decide on colors for the baby blanket I wanted to crochet
once everything was in place i stepped back again

my hubby proceeded to refill the hole with the earth

on the freshly dug ground we placed a big heart shaped stone i unearthed this spring when expanding a flower bed
once again i kneel on the ground and lay the fresh picked rose on the stone that covered the final resting place of our baby
the tears flow freely
my husband kneels on the cold ground next to me
we hold each other as we cry and say our final good-bye