This is a very personal thread today.
I want to show the progression of change since the last time I saw my son, 19 years ago.
A picture is worth a thousand words, and these three say it all.
What did you notice about me throughout this journey?
What you couldn't see me in the pictures?!?! I am there, it's just that, well, I am invisible.
1st pic of Invisible Me -- Once the adoption was finalized, the adoption agency was not concerned about me anymore. They got what they wanted, a fresh womb-wet white healthy baby to sell.
2nd pic of Invisible Me --The aparents sent me pictures until he started kindergarten, and then I became invisible to them too.
3rd pic of Invisible Me -- My son is now a teenager and old enough to contact us when he is ‘ready’ for contact, but right now I am invisible to him too.
STOP with the marketed brainwashing rhetoric that birthmothers are brave
Or that they are heroic
Or that they are making a selfless choice
Just stop – it is a bunch of lies made up by people who want to make money from legally selling babies – callously severing the sacred mother/child bond to fatten their wallet
We were vulnerable and exploited, so cut the pretty words and use the real ones
If you are considering adoption for your baby – be prepared for a life of being invisible.
Once you let go of your baby you will become invisible and powerless. You are no longer necessary and you won’t matter anymore. 80% of open adoptions close - you really want to take a risk like that? Let me guess, your social worker didn't mention adoptions closing?
The being invisible --
It stings when it comes from the agency. You blame yourself for believing them, even though they were so convincing and painted such beautiful pictures. Being masters of deception it seemed they genuinely cared about you. How were you supposed to know they would drop you like a dirty diaper?
It hurts when the betrayal comes from your child’s aparents. How could they? We trusted them with our own flesh and blood – how could they fill in the blank because it’s all happened. With semi-open promises of updates and pictures that are no longer sent. Perhaps, it is e-mails in a more open agreement that stop or go unanswered. Maybe they’ve moved away, leaving you no forwarding address or information. How could they? The answer is simple – because we are invisible to them.
All of that is much easier to bear than when it’s from your own son / your own daughter. I know it has only been a few months and he “needs time.” I just can’t shove off the feelings of being invisible, insignificant, and worthless.
Only he can decide if/when he wants to make contact. And I have no guarantee that he ever will – none of us do.
Will I be invisible in the casket too?
If you are considering adoption for you baby – it is nothing like you imagine. All the doubts you’ve stuffed while listening to the sweet social worker, all the questions you refused to ponder. They’ll come back to visit you again and again, whether awake or in your dreams. They'll haunt you.
So, if you are considering adoption for your baby, the day you let go of him or her you may as well walk to the nearest toilet and flush your self worth – because that is what adoption will do to it anyway.