About Cheerio

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In general I am a cheery and energetic person. But I am enshrouded in a cloak of iron. That cloak is the weight of greiving my son, whom I've lost to adoption.

Thursday, May 10, 2012

song dedicated to his birthmother

I was talking with a dear friend of mine.  She told me she heard of a singer/songwriter she hadn’t heard before, so she googled him and found out that Mark Schultz is adopted and, she excitedly tells me that he wrote a beautiful song to his birthmom.  She has been waiting to tell me about it!

 I did not do a very good job at all with softening my response.  “Oh, great! Don’t tell me, it’s another song saying ‘Thanks for giving me away, I’ve had a great life, and I’m fine without you.’”

I could see she wasn’t at all expecting such a reaction.  She is a friend and I felt horrible for such a harsh response even though it was truly from my heart.  I know she had honest intentions, so I suggested that maybe I was wrong and promised to look it up. 

So look it up I did. 
This post is response to what I found. 
Believe it or not, what I found is worse, actually much worse than just “thanks, don’t need you.”  Let me share with you what I found.  My anger induced commentary is included, with no extra charge.

The below was uploaded on youtube by BS.  Yes, the diabolical UNChrist-like Bethany Christian Services, who rapes mothers of their babies to make a buck – in the name of God even.

disclaimer, video contains disturbing monologue

This very insightful interview starts of with the distorted “three options” rhetoric which claims abortion as one of those “options.”

   While it is true that abortion is a readily available option these days, it is NOT a valid consideration with women who give their babies up.  In FACT the in the 40 page counseling guide used to teach crisis pregnancy center workers how to talk women into giving their babies up, they clearly

   - in black and white
- they state
- they are not competing with abortion.
   With this, I agree. Those who are going to have an abortion have already done it and at the second phase of decision making – abortion is no longer an option.  So if they are not competing with abortion, then who or what are they competing with?!? 
   The question is answered by reading the entire sentence from the publication,  “Adoption really does not compete with abortion; it is competing with the emotionally compelling [and might I add, natural] alternative of parenting the child” (Young, 31)*. 

Did you catch that?

Abortion is not what they are fighting.
They acknowledge that they are competing against parenting. 

But why?
Simply said, if a woman chooses parenting, then they have no babies to sell and make their profit from.

   And yet people vehemently resist this fact?  

Near the end of the interview Mark tells that he sang part of his song at a Bethany fundraiser where someone told him of a pregnant girl in the audience decided to not have an abortion because of his song.
   Personally, I don’t believe that story. If all it took for her to “change her mind” was a song, she was not determined to abort – she was already doubtful. And yet they are going to use this as unproven proof that adoption save lives from abortion.

   Right, people don't want to hear that adoption professionals are competing with parenting, they WANT to believe that they are saving babies from being aborted!  That makes them feel good. 
But that is just not the truth! 
Do you want something that makes you feel good?
Or do you want the truth?
   The truth is that the adoption industry – Including Bethany Christian Services, who put ‘Christian’ in their name to appeal to a certain clientele as another piece in their marketing scheme to make adoption more accepted and more sellable – promotes adoption BECAUSE IT GUARANTEES REVENUE.

Moving back to this interview… did you listen to it? 

This man has not met his original mother – he has not heard her side of the story – he has no idea what her actual experience was.  This is not at all fantastic, but extremely cowardice of him to write a song pretending he is standing at her door.  Make no doubt about it – this song is not genuine, it is pretending, period.  How can it be genuine to write and sing (and make money ) about this subject that you aren't really willing to do yourself.   Don't tell it was inspired by what you 'would do if'  - when you clearly are not willing to actually do it. 

But hey, if you in bed with Bethany, then maybe you are just in  it for the money, like they are. 

So, What would he say? 
Having no clue of her experience, he would say
– “Thank you. I’ve had a great life.”

How predictable.  Pure adoption marketing at it's finest.

Further in the interview he discusses that he realizes that he could write a song to his own birthmom.   (hmmmm....is it a song born out of love inside, or just to make money with a new hit?) He goes on to describe a discussion with a “counselor” (who is an expert at coercing women into adoption).  She hears part of the song so far and she has a strong reaction because – she jut had her second child, and expressed to him that she has no idea what an expectant mom would go through in making an adoption decision.

Stop.  Rewind.  Replay.

She jut had her second child, and expressed to him that she has no idea what an expectant mom would go through in making an adoption decision.

Pause.  Evaluate.

Ok.  Here's what we have so far.
Two people involved in the history of this song.
Both are are seeing it with their own preconceived notions.  There is no indicator so far about getting actual insight from a mother who has gone through losing her child to adoption.

Later he mentions one person saying that "something is missing" from the song.  ((Duh, yeah, heart for one and not spitting in his mothers face with the "thank you" garbage.))  OOOOhhhh, they include him playing ball with his own son so it "comes full circle!"   Is it really a full circle if they've completly left out the original mother to start with?  Ummm, no.

If you made it through the video, it included clips from the released video with the song (whatever that technical term is).

Did you notice anything about the birthmother?  She seems pretty much ok.  Well, except when she is at the park when she goes into labor and all the Potential Adoptive Moms come in to grab her wet-fresh-from-the-womb baby. 

Let me tell you a little secret, the expectant mother - she is ACTING.  Right, she is a paid actor.  Sure, they tried to make it look like she cried a little when she handed her baby to the nurse at the hospital. That is so very far from reality. 

When I was in the hospital with my son, the last time I looked into his face I could not stop the tears.  It hurt to even breathe because my still beating heart was ripped from my chest.  It is over 17 years later as I write this and even now after all that time, the tears burn as they stream down my face and I try to only think about the day without feeling the horror and the trauma all over again.
Oh, when they pan a shot of the “birthmother” looking at her child’s picture while in college – and she smiles.  That is another bit of acting.  They ‘forgot’ to show the depression that nearly crushes the original mom.  They ‘forgot’ to show her tired she is, because of all the times the nightmares jolt her awake.  They ‘forgot’ to show the pain from when the adoption closes and the adoptive parents don’t let her have the visits or send pictures that was all part of the adoption agreement (which is not legally binding by the way).  They 'forgot' to show any of the torment.

   In the interview
   Mark goes on to say that someday in Heaven he’ll meet people who were born because of his song.  But the real clincher is the next thought.  He can’t wait until his birthmom meets these people too, (listen closely to his reason) “so she will know she didn’t make a mistake.”

Wow, that’s cold man. 
You’re going to pretend you know all about this woman, your original mother.  You’re going to put words in her mouth and pretend you know what she was thinking and feeling.  You are going to pretend that adoption was a willing choice she made – without realizing that adoption agencies, especially Bethany Christian Services, make gobs of money from needlessly separating families when they have the resources to help them stay together. You’re also going to continue your willful blindness right up until her death when you want her to meet strangers – but you don’t have the heart to risk meeting her yourself???

If my own son were to read this,
I would beg him to wait; to not say "Thank you" as the first words to me.  Instead get to know me for a period of time, and you’ll realize how much it would pierce the depths of my soul to hear “Thank you.” 

 Why?  Because it would actually mean,
“Thank you for being used like a womb for hire by those who profited by selling me.  Thank you for spending many years in agonizing pain and self-hate for making a choice from faulty information given to you. Thank you for separating me from my original father who loved me and waned to keep me. Thank you for making sure I’d never experience how great of a father he’d be. Thank you for not healing all those years so he would never have another child – and I will never have a biological brother or sister. Thank you for burning the possibility of a family.  Thank you for not loving me enough to even try parenting.”

No, please don’t thank me. 
Please forgive me, and let’s work at building a new relationship with the splintered pieces that are left.  That would mean Everything to me. 

*  Young, Curtis J. The Missing Piece: Adoption Counseling in Pregnancy Resource Centers. Washington, D.C.: Family Research Council, 2000. Print.



  1. Great reply to this video Cheerio!

  2. Thanks, Susie. I found the video was realy hard to get through.

  3. Yes, to all the above.

    (One of our peers said that my story sounded similar to yours, so I'm catching up on reading all of your entries. I have met my son, though, and sadly we don't talk any more, but that's not my decision. I have no idea why he dropped me :( )

    I lost my second son to an unethical 'gray/black' market adoption on his seventh day of life. He was breastfed because I never thought that those who had been verbally abusing me and pressuring me to 'give him away' would resort to such extreme means of forcing me to surrender, but I did and I lost my beautiful baby boy.

    I found him in Jan 2010 when he was 19; we finally met in Mar 2011. We had three meetings over the course of five months, the last one taking place at Disney World. I haven't seen him since Aug 2011. Not long before we met I discovered that he had already had reunion with my mother and stepfather back in the summer of 2009 per a meeting set up by his mother. I look back now and feel that he simply wasn't ready to find his family of origin.

    The end of our first meeting is when he said, "Thank you so much for making a plan to place me! I have a great life and was raised well by wonderful people!" I thought I was going to die again. After all I'd read about reunions, that line just seemed like the kiss of death; my heart turned over and let out a silent scream.

    All I seem to remember from our few meetings is all the bad stuff he told me. All the bad stuff! I can't get that out of my head. I don't think my son hates me; he's indifferent. Uncaring. Unsympathetic. More compassion would be shown to total strangers who were treated as I and my son were over two decades ago. I'm not sure why his mother thought to set up a meeting -I never asked and he never supplied the reason- and I have my theory as to why, but maybe it was to start us off on the wrong foot and forever damage what little bit of bond we had left. (There was/is a bond, but I feel he doesn't trust it; after all, he was told I dropped him off and flitted my way out the door without a care -total untruths.)

    Anyway, this reminds me of my son. Woe to them if this gentleman meets his mother. I sealed my fate with my son by telling him the truth, denouncing the false altruism of the whole thing, and telling him that I was screwed out of my very much wanted newborn son! This is what happens when we mothers don't toe the line. The punishment never ends.

  4. I'd like to get my hands on these "counseling guides". Sadly, I feel the only way adoption will ever be rid of is when cloning or uterine transplants become available.