About Cheerio

My photo
In general I am a cheery and energetic person. But I am enshrouded in a cloak of iron. That cloak is the weight of greiving my son, whom I've lost to adoption.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

I feel trapped...

The majority of people in my day to day life - they have absolutely NO IDEA whatsoever WHO I really am.

As I am working my way out of the bondage of secrecy, I still find myself trapped.

I take the risk of exposing not a mere fact of my history, no it is exposing an extremely intimate part of the core of my being. When I have an adoption-type conversation with another person, it's as if, well, I opened up, and I have stopped hiding but that still does not make me feel like I can talk about 'it'.

I still feel trapped.

Two more people in my life this week know about the real me, but that conversation is done and over in their mind.

But I'm still hurting on the inside ...

Friday, October 15, 2010

Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance

When I visited CafeMom today, this was the animation of their logo.
I couldn't help but just stare at it. Stare at that little flame flickering silently. It hurt too much to even get angry. How many other women were triggered unexpectedly today when she signed into CafeMom and saw this painful reminder and felt it piercing her heart?
Pregnancy Loss... yup, that's what happened last summer. It sure was a dark and difficult year for me.
Infant Loss ... yup, that's what happened 17 years ago.
October 13, 1994 my beautiful and perfect son was born. I held him for the 3 days that I was in the hospital with minor complications. Then on that third day, I hobbled my way into the nursery to give him a gift. It was a baby blanket I crocheted for him.

By the expression on her face, I caught the agency worker off guard. She was in the nursery too. She was there to take my son away from me. She was all smiles and bubbly and happy. How sweet of her. To be so joyful as she witnesses firsthand a family being torn apart. How loving and kind hearted of her that she offered to capture this Kodak moment for me.

Yes, I have a picture of the last time I saw my son. It was the time I last held him. I was not given any privacy to even say good-bye. I guess that would not have mattered because I had been crying so hard I could not speak anyway. There were no audible words; however, my heart was screaming.

Lovely of this woman to be beaming as I begin collapsing on the inside.

I will never forget that day.

I will NEVER forget that day.

It was the day that the gate to hell was opened and evil attached itself to me as all it's pain and fury poured into my soul. I was sobbing. I was crushed. It felt as if my lungs were in a vice and it literally hurt to breathe. Every breath was painful and difficult. It felt like I was breathing in daggers and and shards of broken glass.

I should have run back into that nursery and snatched my son from her and held him tightly to my chest, where he belonged. I should have held onto him and never let him go. I should have said, "Let's go home" - not "goodbye."

But I didn't. I didn't because "this" was supposed to be better for him. It was 'better' because I would surely ruin his life and shackle him and keep him from reaching his full potential.

My (at the time) boyfriend helped me from the hospital to the car. When I asked why we were doing "this?" he played the role he was supposed to. He regergitated all the lies that we had been fed over the past few months. Basically he 'reminded' me that this was what was best for our son.

If you are pregnant and considering adoption my only word of advice is ... don't.

Listen to the screaming of your heart. Stop smothering it's cries with a pillow. The birth of your child WILL change you whether you parent or not. Embrace that change, don't turn in into a trauma.

Adoption is not "the answer." No, it is only piling on another problem and your life will become encased in thinly veiled layers of bondage. Unless you're violent toward children - your child deserves for you to take him/her home with you, so you can continue nurturing the bond that the two of you started 9 months earlier.

He/She already loves you. Please don't break his/her heart - Don't damage yours.


Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Happy 16th Birthday - 10/13/1994

To my dear son, Today you're 16, and it makes me sad knowing all that I have missed in your life. All the celebrations and I haven't been with you for any of them. Here you are at a milemarker Sweet 16 -and you're, I don't actually know where. In spite of my own sadness, I do wish you a Happy Birthday, I wish for you lots of love from those dear to you. I hope you like the V2 Pocket Rocket guitar amp and the cd of Pictures I sent for your birthday. Today the song that's been on my mind is this song by Zara Phillips and DMC http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PZbKNJUyGQ0 "...Tell me Do you remember? When you're on the streets, Do you look for me The way I look for you Oh, how I wish that I knew ...Evening comes, Can you hear me call for you In the hope that you will somehow hear me too ...Tell me Do you remember? When you're on the streets, Do you look for me The way I look for you Oh, how I wish that I Do you wish too ... remember, remember, remember remember, remember, remember Do you remember I wish I knew I wish I knew I wish I knew I wish I knew I wish I knew " I just want you to know that, Yes I remember Yes, look for you Yes, I do think of you, and Yes, I do call out to you too & wish you could hear the whisperings of my heart as I long for you I've never forgotten you I've always loved you
Happy Birthday