About Cheerio

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In general I am a cheery and energetic person. But I am enshrouded in a cloak of iron. That cloak is the weight of greiving my son, whom I've lost to adoption.

Sunday, November 24, 2013

you don't define me

There is a phrase from Barlow Girl’s song, “Mirror” that I keep replaying in my head. The song is about a girl who doesn’t like who she sees in the mirror and starts to starve herself to become thinner.  While the song has an important message to our young people (yes, both guys and gals) about self-image, that isn’t what I’ve been clinging to.

The phrase I keep replaying is “you don’t define me.”

Who or what defines us? 

There can be danger in who we allow to define us.

I think this is something someone who is in an abusive relationship probably struggles with. 

For me, as much as I hope for a reunion with my son – I cannot let that hope for something in the future define me today.  I cannot let him (my son) define me either.  He is who he is, somewhere distant and not inviting contact.  And I HAVE to be ok with that.

This has been on my mind for quite awhile, and I’m just now making the time to sit down and really focus on it – for myself.

It is hard, really really hard.  It is a decision I have to make.
I cannot let it define who I am today, right now.
And I will have to continually remind myself of this going forward.
Yes, I hope for contact, and will continue to hope.
But I cannot hold onto that hope so tightly that it defines me and what I do.

It is the same with shame.
That is what I see when I look in the mirror, shame.  When I hear or think about the words of this song, it is shame that I feel defines me, from the shame I am trying to break free. 

I have to define who I am.  I have to look myself square in the eyes and acknowledge it, and embrace who I am.  No side-stepping, no sugar coating, no wishful thinking, no consideration of turning back time. 

Perhaps this will be the way to start to not be so bound by the constant shame.
I think this is going to be much easier to write than to live by.

This you tube video shows several quotes at the end.  This is one of them,
"Other people’s opinion of you does not have to become your reality.  -Les Brown”


Saturday, November 16, 2013

three years ago today

today - three years ago, I found you.

at the time I was shaking and so incredibly relieved.

today I know so much about you, but I still miss you terribly.
be well, my son. 
please don't stay away any longer than you have to.