Love You, Hate Me, that's Adoption

Today is Sunday 5/9/2021 – mother’s day. 

I spent the day yesterday with my son and his wife (beginning our 3rd year in reunion). I always, ALWAYS enjoy spending time with them. It was an invitation to visit on “mothers day weekend”.   The kids (as I call them) planned some very special surprise activities during the day creating incredibly sweet and thoughtful memories, we went hiking, played games, and had good food.  I received so many gifts that day – the gift of their love, the gift of their time, the gift of us making memories together, A special gift that demands a post all of its own, and the gift of story time.

During the day my son asked if I would be willing to share his birth story again later in the day.   

Hasn’t he heard his birth story before?

Well, yes.  

Twice, kind of.  

Knowing that adoptees often feel like their life’s story starts on chapter two, I wrote out his birth story in a letter on his birthday when he turned the same age I was when he was born, before our face to face reunion.  And then just about two months ago he asked if I would be willing to share it with him.  At the time I was caught a little off-guard and was really nervous sharing his/our story. 

When I was actually sitting across from my own son and his wife telling him his birth story for the first time, I was wrapped in shame and regret, my heart was very heavy.  I wanted so much to tell him a birth story the way most mothers would share with their children, family, or friends.  I wanted the story to be happy, and full of celebration, and joy.  Which is how it should have been – but the cold hard fact is - it wasn’t.  His birth story culminated in the tragedy of our separation, and there is nothing but sadness in that fact to me. 

So that first time of verbally telling him his own story, I started at the beginning, literally from when I went to the Dr’s for the blood test until the hospital stay when he was born.  In that first telling, I included why I “chose” adoption and what I believed then vs what I know now, such as realizing the blank slate theory is a lie and the disguised coercion of adoption.  It was so difficult telling his story that time.  I was not able to have other children so that is the only birth story I personally know and it ended up sad, so very very painful and sad. 

At the end of that telling, he made some kind of statement like “…the past…and…moving forward.” 

It got me to thinking that, yes our separation was sad.  The coercion and brainwashing were awful.  But not everything was sad or awful, after all HE was born, perfect, and beautiful, and healthy.  So, since that first telling I started making a list of fun or interesting facts about my pregnancy and our early months together so when he asked to hear his birth story again, it did not have to be total doom & gloom (which was the reality of my heart before reunion & without him). And so that brings me back to yesterday.  I am having lunch with my son (lost to adoption for so many years, and is now including me & his original father in his life) and he asks if we can do “story time” again later in the day. 

And this time I was ready for him. 

We were all four of us (me, my son, his original father, and his wife) sitting together on the couch eating our chocolate pie dessert for “story time” of his birth.  This time I did not feel a need to start at the the beginning.  I pulled up my notes on my phone and talked about where I worked while I was carrying him, the apartment “we” lived in, the very mischievous young cat/kitten “we” had, “us” taking walks along the river, all 3 of “us” going for ice cream, and how he got his given name.  He was sitting right beside me and I was able to smile and say “I spent as much time as possible with you during those first three days” and “I love you.”

And so here I am on mother’s day reflecting on yesterday and all the meaning it had for me, for Mr Cheerio, for our son and his family.  I have ALWAYS loved him, ALWAYS,  ALWAYS.  That has been a constant through all the years, and that love has never ever faded. 

Looking back on his birth story/our story it is so inter-twined with love and hate.

This is what you don’t hear about adoption.  It is not about us loving our child “more” than ourself -- it is about making us hate ourself and love ourself LESS.

The adoption professionals wanted and needed for me to hate myself so they could pitch “a loving couple” solution – to something that was never a problem.

 

Why do we, as a society perpetuate the loved so much, without recognizing that it also promotes self-hate so much…in a nutshell, that’s adoption.

love you, hate me, that's adoption

Is Healing Possible

Is healing possible?

There are about 20 resources in my book nook relating to adoption (this does not include the eBook and many published research articles filed away).

  The first book I ever read in trying to help me cope with losing my son was “Silent Grief: Miscarriage – child loss finding your way through the darkness” by Clara Hinton.  I count this book as adoption related because it was an essential piece in trying to find equilibrium in life.  It validated so much of what I experienced through the adoption -- loss.  In its pages it vividly and accurately described the tremendous hurt and pain.  And yes, “the darkness” aptly describes where that pain took and left me.

  The other book that was just as essential to me was “Adoption Loss: The Hidden Grief” by Evelyn Burns Robinson.  Her book IS about the impact of adoption on the original mother (as well as on the adoptee).  This book too was validating, not only jut about the pain, but also that my story is no anomaly.  In addition to the grief and pain, this book discusses the pressure, deceit, manipulation, and coercion original mothers faced. 

  In 2001 I knew I needed help.  I was unraveling emotionally, and was struggling to keep it together.  I was unable to find any type of help from the agency.  I searched for a counselor.  Some said they worked with adoptees, but none had helped an original mother before.  Online I found forums, support groups, and books (especially lower priced used books). 

I started collecting books recommended books from my adoptee and original mom friends.  I was thumbing through my books recently, hoping to find a resource for a friend.  I pulled out “Adoption and Recovery: Solving the mystery of reunion” by Evelyn Burns Robinson.  Her first book was so impactful to me, I assumed that I had read her second book a long time ago, but as I read the first few pages, I realized I actually have NOT read it yet.

I am only on page 28 and so far I HIGHLY recommend this book!

Why? 

1.) Because it is written for those affected by “adoption separation” – both original parents/families and adoptees.

I.e.:  “for parents and children…there is a suffering that comes from living with the physical and emotional distance created by the adoption. … both … exist in a life situation where a very important person is missing.  No amount of occupational success or material comfort can compensate for that missing relationship.”  (p. 6)

And, on page seven, she addresses the reality that the loss the adoptee experiences is not acknowledged, recognized, or supported in most adoptive families.

2.) This book gives me hope that healing, or “recovery” as she describes it, is possible. 

Page 24 she discusses the goal of personal “adoption recovery work” is to understand what happened (including how and why) on both an intellectual and emotional level.  To “understand the events of your past better and to change how you think about what happened in your life.  Although you cannot change what has already happened, you can achieve a sense of control in the present and make choices in the future.

…If adoption has left us only with bitterness and sorrow, we have failed to grasp the opportunities which life has offered us through our adoption experiences.”   (emphasis mine)

Was this hope for healing in other books, and I just missed it?  

Was I hurting too much see it?  Did I not want to hear it? 

I tried.

I honestly and earnestly tried to figure out how to heal.

I found the validation, and acknowledgement.

I found support from other mothers and adoptees.

I found my voice and advocated for change.

I tried counseling and therapy several times.

But the wound, was always there – was always seeping – was always sore.

As I describe on my blog, it was as if I lived life enshrouded in an iron cloak.

I do recall some mothers say they experienced healing in reunion.  I cannot recall details of any conversation because I frankly did not believe it was possible – at least not possible for me.

But now . . . I am in reunion. 

Reunion with our son is still new, our first face to face was eleven months ago.  I am continuously amazed at how much it has changed me – dare I say brought healing to this old wound?  As we drove away from that first meeting, I felt content.  Days and weeks later, I still felt content. Our reunion has grown to several visits throughout the year, including visiting his home and he and his wife visiting ours. 

Is healing possible?

Yes.  (to clarify here that by healing, I do not necessarily mean it is a complete healing that removes any pain.  I still have issues and things that sting - but other things do not hurt to the point of crippling me.  I know in our reunion we will experience tough spots too.)  More than a year ago I would not have ventured to answer this question, because it was so unfathomable.

In the past 11 months I experienced the usual seasonal events -- Mother’s Day, his birthday, Thanksgiving, and Christmas.  However, in the past year I experienced without deep sadness, depression, or sorrow.

I am fully aware that things could change in our reunion and we may communicate or see each other less.  But I will ride the wave for as long as it lasts.

So the other question, is healing outside of reunion possible?  And I wonder if I had read this book several years ago, would it have helped me heal at least to the point of not being crippled?  I can only speculate, maybe it would/could have, but will truly never know.

Nor will I ever be able to answer if healing can exist outside of reunion. 

This book offers hope that it can.  So if you are struggling and are not in reunion, or are newly in reunion, give it a read.   If you care to, shoot some feedback and hopefully by then I’ll have the book finished myself.

I think this is an important topic that is open for discussion, and if you are willing, please share a comment about your own thoughts or experience about healing  -- aka “recovery”.

Is Healing Possible?

“Adoption and Recovery: Solving the mystery of reunion” by Evelyn Burns Robinson; 2004, Clova Publications; Christies Beach, South Australia

Christmas - the season of dread

Today is January 25^th – it is one month after Christmas.  I just finished putting away the Christmas stuff.  I have also done a lot of reflecting and comparing this Christmas of 2019 to last year and others prior.

I think the last I celebrated Christmas – celebrated; as in really threw myself into it and enjoyed the season, played the music, and happily bought or made gifts and wrapped presents, was probably 2007.  Each year since then had its own wave of “hard”. 

That first Christmas after my son was born was undeniably difficult.  The following first few years I was still completely under the adoption spell and in denial.  I still believed the lies of adoption, that he was “where he belonged” that he deserved better, that love was not enough, that I would have ruined him, etc. 

During the early years I still got pictures of him each January (semi-closed adoption, all communication sent and forwarded by disgusting unholy adoption agency, bethany non-christian services), and those pictures were my way to stay afloat, and perhaps helped keep me in denial.  
When they arrived it gave me what I felt like I needed to go another year until another batch of pictures would come in.  My way of coping was to push away any negative thoughts and focus only on the positives (how happy and healthy he looked in the pictures) – denial much?

By 2001 pictures were not arriving as previously.  Also, the pain did not “fade” as the coercive greedy adoption agency said it would.  Instead, it was getting more intense.  I was still in the fog and viewed adoption as “beautiful”, but I also felt like I needed a little help with coping, and I began to find on-line resources.  My getting to the point of “unraveling” was just a few years later when the depression began to creep in two months before his birthday in October.  It got heavier at Thanksgiving and the weeks leading up to Christmas got more oppressive each year. 

I developed a survival skill of avoidance.  It seemed to work the first few years when I just skipped out of church on the days of the children’s Christmas play and such events.  But then it mushroomed
to the point that I did not go to church the whole month of December, I refused to listen to any Christmas music, thus no radio, I got angry when seeing billboards or ads in the Sunday newspaper, I would not go to any Christmas type events, I completely stopped decorating, resisted there being a Christmas tree in the house, and I would not even open Christmas cards (unless they were from my online Cheerio family”-which was my only ray of light in those days).  I pretty much tried to pretend that Christmas did not exist.  It was not fun and I woke up each day wishing Christmas was over and it would be January already.

However, no matter how awful I felt or depressed I was, I consistently sent presents, cards, letters, and pictures to my son and his family.  I did my best to make the packages as festive as possible, and wished he would only feel the immense love I had for him and I hoped the heaviness I felt never bled through for him to feel. 

One tradition I accidentally started was sending a Christmas ornament each year.  The only requirement was that the ornament had two characters – symbolizing both of his original parents.  Part of the tradition was buying two ornaments; sending one to him and keeping the other for myself.  The first few years I enjoyed getting the ornaments out – in sequence, and as I hung them I would reminisce if there was a particular reason for that year’s ornament.  But it just got to be too painful being reminded of what was not.  I wrote about it here (click to open prior post.)  When I unpacked the Hallmark Ornaments to hang this year, I was surprised to realize that ornaments I kept for myself over the past seven years were purchased and put into storage unopened.   

But this year – Christmas of 2019 – this year was completely different. 

This year it was a very merry affair

I rekindled the old tradition of going out to get our live tree the day after Thanksgiving.

I pulled out all the Hallmark Ornaments and lined them up on the couch (in sequence by year, of course).  Mr. Cheerio plugged in the lights and wound them around the tree.  I asked him – to his utter surprise – to put on Christmas music several times before Christmas.  I opened the Christmas cards and hung them above a window.  I went shopping. Yes, I did.  I actually went to stores and walked around the Christmas sections without wincing (and I should have bought the shower curtain with gingerbread men on it!).  

The difference this year is that my son kicked off reunion back in March.  He went from occasional snail mail to regular contact via fb, text, e-mail, and phone calls.  Plus there were three more visits after our first face to face, and they (he and my favorite daughter-in-law) asked to visit us several days after Christmas.  They not only visited, but they stayed with us and we brought in the New Year together!

The Hallmark Ornament I picked for us this year is a heart shaped picture frame with “1^st Christmas Together” inscribed on the side.  

The photo I put in the frame is one of the four of us on a hiking adventure during our last visit at their place.  I didn’t want to take down the tree this year because it felt so good to see and it just kept bringing more joy and happiness.

If you would have told me Christmas a year ago that I would feel content and celebrate, I would have given you an incredibly harsh scolding – and good chance I would have lost my temper with you too.  Even if I knew last December that our reunion would soon start, I would NEVER have predicted this precious and priceless blessing.  I have a wonderful and incredibly thoughtful son and sweet and loving daughter-in-law.  I think this year I have experienced a healing I have heard a few talk about, but never imagined for myself.

a dream

6/24/2017

I had a dream last night.  

Oh wait, let me back up a wee bit.

(photo from http://www.dreams.co.uk/sleep-matters-club/wp-content/uploads/2015/12/woman-dreaming.jpg)

Last night when I went to bed, I was thinking of my son.  I am in a different place than I was a year ago, and I try to not think about him too much or too long (obsessively?). It is difficult now that I am back in school.  My long-range goal is to become a counselor or therapist focusing on post-adoption support.  Unlike previous college papers, I am not playing it safe anymore.  I am going to take the risk of writing about real adoption issues (for adoptees & for original parents) other than the right for equal access to OBC.  Therefore the adoptee perspective is central in my current research paper.  Translated to mean it is virtually impossible to NOT think about how this research may or may not relate to my son, virtually impossible to NOT think about  him.

 

Nevertheless, as I was trying to drift off to sleep, A thought wandered in that it would be nice to see him in a dream.  I quickly rejected this idea.  I DON’T WANT TO DREAM ABOUT HIM, and tried to redirect my thoughts of what it would be nice to dream about. My mind went to Pussy Willow.  I could dream about her.  I questioned myself - why should I dream of things cannot be?  Why dream of sadness?  My Willow Puff has been gone almost four years now.  I loved her and still miss her, but I should dream about something positive. 

Aren’t you glad to hear the ramblings of the Cheerio mind at midnight?

Alas, my mind did wander off and sleep did come.  Then I had the dream.

In my dream, I don’t recall Mr. Cheerio being there.  It was like a family gathering, but no one was distinguishable except for me and one particular family member whom I have a tense relationship with (I’ll just call her Eliza – not her real name).  We were at home. I don’t know if it was supposed to be my own or Eliza’s.  In this family gathering, my son was there with someone else.  I didn’t see him or who he was with (his aparents?  his current fiancé?  his own futuristic family and children), but I knew or felt he was there.  I was letting the ball in his court – at least that’s what I think was happening, because I did not approach him, and we did not talk in this dream.

What did happen was that Eliza hugged him, or he hugged her.  I don’t recall exactly.

At some point I had my back to the group, washing dishes, when Eliza came in and said he left.  I repeated “Oh, he’s leaving?” And she said, "No, he left".  I felt a surge of emotion.  I was angry that she got to hug him but I didn't.  I was hoping to at least say goodbye, and now I didn’t even have the chance.

I ran out the front door and saw their car going down the driveway.  As I proceeded to run , the car pulled onto the street and turned right.  Because of the large privacy fence that ran down the length of the driveway, as soon as they turned, I lost sight of the car.

I still ran down the driveway yelling, “Come Back! Come back!  Please! Please come back! Come back!  Please!”  I ran, yelling and waving my arms and hoping the car would reappear.  But it did not.  I don’t recall in my dream if I just stood there, but it felt as though I fell to my knees begging him to come back.

So that’s my dream.  

I woke up and wondered why, of all the family members who could have been in my dream – why Eliza?  Why not Mr. Cheerio?  Why not a family member who listens and supports me regarding my son?

I also ask myself, if it is symbolic of me giving him his space?  Is it a mistake to let the ball in his court?  I just am so careful to NOT be like Eliza in real life.  One reason our relationship is tense is because I feel that she is manipulative.  I never want him to ever feel like I am manipulative in anything I do or write.

In the end, I suppose, the desperate plea for him to come back indicates that even though I try to cope by pushing thoughts of him away, I don’t honestly want him to go away. Even thought I often tell myself these days, try to just forget he exists.  (This is new for me.  Of all the denial and emotion stuffing I did when he was still a boy, I don't remember ever trying to forget he exists.  I have reasoned that I don't deserve him and had no right to refer to him as my son.  But I didn't try to "forget" about him.)

I suppose too, the dream is expression of my fear of losing him again (third time’s a charm, right???)

… so close… and yet so far … so very far apart we are…

I had a dream last night

Cheerio's Reading Rack

Books and other publications (pamphlets, articles, and studies)


Going back to school has zapped ALL my spare time.  I rarely have time to even garden let alone blog.  I often think about writing new posts, but the ideas mostly stay in my head.  This year I my aim to posts more regularly and post about books or articles I’ve read.

This post is just a list of books I’ve read recently (as in the past few years) plus the stack of books I have on my filing cabinet waiting to be read (or finish ones in progress).  Throughout the year I’ll post threads with my comments about an item from my ever growing reading rack.

About the Adoption Experience

Silent Grief: Miscarriage – Child Loss Finding Your Way through the Darkness by Clara Hinton 
Adoption and Loss: The Hidden Grief by Evelyn B Robinson 
Adoption and Identity: Influence on Emerging Adults’ Occupational and Parental Goals (2011)[article] by April Moyer and Linda Juant – Adoption Quarterly 
Birth Records of Illegitimates and of Adopted Children (1930) [article] by Sheldoh Howard and Henry Hemenway - American Journal of Public Health 
The Girls Who Went Away: The Hidden History of Women Who Surrendered Children for Adoption in the Decades before Roe v. Wade by Ann Fessler 
Journey of the Adopted Self: A Quest for wholeness by Betty Jean Lifton 
The Other Mother by Carol Schaefer 
The Primal Wound: Understanding the Adopted Child by Nancy Verrier 
The Princess Has To Die: Representing rupture and grief in the narrative of adoption (2009) [article] by Josephine Wright – The Psychoanalytic Study of the Child 
The Same Smile: The Triumph of a Mother's Love after Losing Two Daughters by Susan Mello Souza and Joanne Medeiros Harrington 
Sixteen and Pregnant: Minors’ Consent in Abortion and Adoption (2013) [pamphlet] by Malinda Syemore - Yale Journal of Law and Feminism 
Strengthening Adoption Practice, Listening to Adoptive Families (2007) [article] by Anne Atkinson and Patricia Gonet 
Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish their Adoptive Parents Knew by Sherrie Eldridge 
Twice Born: Memoirs of an Adopted Daughter by Betty Jean Lifton 

Adoption Healing: A Path to Recovery (for adoptees) by Joe Soll (I have heard conflicting reports on this author, so it is at the bottom of the stack.  I will likely read it someday.) 
Adoption Wisdom: A Guide to the issues and feelings of adoption by Marlou Russel Ph. D (I started this book but it fell to bottom of stack because of what I felt was repeated subtle negative representation of original mothers.  After 5 chapters, I don’t know if I will ever finish this one.)

Pro-Adoption Marketing Propaganda 
Birthmother Good Mother: Her Story of Heroic Redemption (2007) by Charles Kennedy and National Council for Adoption 
The Missing Piece: Adoption Counseling in Pregnancy Resource Centers (2000) [pamphlet]  Curtis J Young

Reunion

Adoption and Recovery: Solving the Mystery of Reunion by Evelyn B Robinson 
Adoption Forum: Intimate discussions to unite the triad in healing by Kasey Hamner 
The Adoption Reunion Survival Guide: Preparing yourself for the search, reunion, and beyond by Julie Bailey and Lynn Giddens 
Birth Bond: Reunions between birthparents and adoptees – what happens after by Judith Gediman and Linda Brown 
Birthright: The Guide to Search and Reunion for Adoptees, Birthparents, and Adoptive Parents by Betty Jean Lifton 
Boundaries: When to say Yes, When to say No to Take Control of Your Life by Dr Henry Cloud and Dr Jon Townsend 
Lost & Found: The adoption experience by Betty Jean Lifton 
One Perfect Day: A Mother and Son’s Story of Adoption and Reunion by Diane Burke and Steve Orlandi 
Reunions between Adoptees and Birth Parents: The Adoptive Parent’s View (1994) [article] by Silverman, Campbell, Patti – Social Work 
Why Reunions Go Wrong: What Memoirs of Adopted Daughters Tell Birthmothers (article) by Jane Edwards – Origins USA

Transracial and International Adoption

Black Kids in White Houses: On Race, Silence, and the Changing American Family () [article] by Jen Graves 
The Lie We Love (2008) [article] by E. J. Graff 
Child Laundering and the Hague Convention on Intercountry Adoption: The Future and Past of Intercountry Adoption (2010) [article] by David M Smolin – University of Louisville Law Review 
The Missing Girls of China: Population, Policy, Culture, Gender, Abortion, Abandonment, and Adoption in East-Asian Perspective (20100 [article] by David M Smolin – Cumberland Law Review

Contains Adoption Threads 

Finding Fish: A Memoir by Antwone Quenton Fisher 
Rosa Lee: A mother and her family in Urban America 
Shut up and Say Something: Business Communication Strategies to Overcome Challenges and Influence Listeners by Karen Friedman (adoption reform or fighting for legislative change for equal access to OBC )

Non-adoption reading

WWII -- Unbroken by Laura Hillenbrand 
WWII -- Night by Elie Wiesel 
WWII -- From Zolkiewka to Israel by Haim Zilberkland

Fat Shame: Stigma and the Fat Body in American Culture by Amy Erdman Farrell 
Killer Angels by Michael Shaara 
Nickel and Dimed: on (not) Getting by in America by Barbara Ehrenreich 
Now, Discover Your Strengths by Marcus Buckingham and Donald O. Clifton 
The Blue Orchard by Jackson Taylor 
The Healing of America: a Global Quest for Better, Cheaper, and Fairer Health Care by T. R. Reid

Cheerio's

Reading

Rack

you don't define me

There is a phrase from Barlow Girl’s song, “Mirror” that I keep replaying in my head. The song is about a girl who doesn’t like who she sees in the mirror and starts to starve herself to become thinner.  While the song has an important message to our young people (yes, both guys and gals) about self-image, that isn’t what I’ve been clinging to.

The phrase I keep replaying is “you don’t define me.”


Who or what defines us? 

There can be danger in who we allow to define us.

I think this is something someone who is in an abusive relationship probably struggles with. 

For me, as much as I hope for a reunion with my son – I cannot let that hope for something in the future define me today.  I cannot let him (my son) define me either.  He is who he is, somewhere distant and not inviting contact.  And I HAVE to be ok with that.

This has been on my mind for quite awhile, and I’m just now making the time to sit down and really focus on it – for myself.

It is hard, really really hard.  It is a decision I have to make.
I cannot let it define who I am today, right now.
And I will have to continually remind myself of this going forward.
Yes, I hope for contact, and will continue to hope.
But I cannot hold onto that hope so tightly that it defines me and what I do.

It is the same with shame.
That is what I see when I look in the mirror, shame.  When I hear or think about the words of this song, it is shame that I feel defines me, from the shame I am trying to break free. 

I have to define who I am.  I have to look myself square in the eyes and acknowledge it, and embrace who I am.  No side-stepping, no sugar coating, no wishful thinking, no consideration of turning back time. 

Perhaps this will be the way to start to not be so bound by the constant shame.
I think this is going to be much easier to write than to live by.

This you tube video shows several quotes at the end.  This is one of them,
"Other people’s opinion of you does not have to become your reality.  -Les Brown”

define

my

life

three years ago today

 

 

today - three years ago, I found you.

at the time I was shaking and so incredibly relieved.

today I know so much about you, but I still miss you terribly.

 

be well, my son. 
 

please don't stay away any longer than you have to.
 

k?

 

 

please

don't

stay

away