Is healing possible?
There are about 20 resources in my book nook relating to
adoption (this does not include the eBook and many published research articles
filed away).
The first book I ever read in trying to help me cope with
losing my son was “Silent Grief: Miscarriage – child loss finding your way
through the darkness” by Clara Hinton. I
count this book as adoption related because it was an essential piece in trying
to find equilibrium in life. It
validated so much of what I experienced through the adoption -- loss. In its pages it vividly and accurately
described the tremendous hurt and pain.
And yes, “the darkness” aptly describes where that pain took and left
me.
The other book that was just as essential to me was
“Adoption Loss: The Hidden Grief” by Evelyn Burns Robinson. Her book IS about the impact of adoption on
the original mother (as well as on the adoptee). This book too was validating, not only jut
about the pain, but also that my story is no anomaly. In addition to the grief and pain, this book
discusses the pressure, deceit, manipulation, and coercion original mothers
faced.
In 2001 I knew I needed help. I was unraveling emotionally, and was
struggling to keep it together. I was
unable to find any type of help from the agency. I searched for a counselor. Some said they worked with adoptees, but none
had helped an original mother before.
Online I found forums, support groups, and books (especially lower
priced used books).
I started collecting books recommended books from my adoptee
and original mom friends. I was thumbing
through my books recently, hoping to find a resource for a friend. I pulled out “Adoption and Recovery: Solving
the mystery of reunion” by Evelyn Burns Robinson. Her first book was so impactful to me, I assumed
that I had read her second book a long time ago, but as I read the first few
pages, I realized I actually have NOT read it yet.
I am only on page 28
and so far I HIGHLY recommend this book!
Why?
1.) Because it is written for those affected by “adoption
separation” – both original parents/families and adoptees.
I.e.: “for parents and children…there is a
suffering that comes from living with the physical and emotional distance
created by the adoption. … both … exist in a life situation where a very important
person is missing. No amount of
occupational success or material comfort can compensate for that missing
relationship.” (p. 6)
And, on page seven, she addresses
the reality that the loss the adoptee experiences is not acknowledged,
recognized, or supported in most adoptive families.
2.) This book gives me hope that healing, or “recovery” as
she describes it, is possible.
Page 24 she discusses the goal of
personal “adoption recovery work” is to understand what happened (including how
and why) on both an intellectual and emotional level. To “understand the events of your past better
and to change how you think about what
happened in your life. Although you
cannot change what has already happened, you can achieve a sense of control in
the present and make choices in the future.
…If adoption has left us only with
bitterness and sorrow, we have failed to grasp the opportunities which life has
offered us through our adoption experiences.” (emphasis mine)
Was this hope for healing in other books, and I just missed
it?
Was I hurting too much see it? Did I not want to hear it?
I tried.
I honestly and earnestly tried to
figure out how to heal.
I found the validation, and
acknowledgement.
I found support from other mothers
and adoptees.
I found my voice and advocated for
change.
I tried counseling and therapy
several times.
But the wound, was always there –
was always seeping – was always sore.
As I describe on my blog, it was as
if I lived life enshrouded in an iron cloak.
I do recall some mothers say they experienced healing in
reunion. I cannot recall details of any
conversation because I frankly did not believe it was possible – at least not
possible for me.
But now . . . I am in reunion.
Reunion with our son is still new, our first face to face
was eleven months ago. I am continuously
amazed at how much it has changed me – dare I say brought healing to this old
wound? As we drove away from that first
meeting, I felt content. Days and weeks
later, I still felt content. Our reunion has grown to several visits throughout
the year, including visiting his home and he and his wife visiting ours.
Is healing possible?
Yes. (to clarify here that by healing, I do not necessarily mean it is a complete healing that removes any pain. I still have issues and things that sting - but other things do not hurt to the point of crippling me. I know in our reunion we will experience tough spots too.) More than a year
ago I would not have ventured to answer this question, because it was so unfathomable.
In the past 11 months I experienced the usual seasonal
events -- Mother’s Day, his birthday, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. However, in the past year I experienced
without deep sadness, depression, or sorrow.
I am fully aware that things could change in our reunion and
we may communicate or see each other less.
But I will ride the wave for as long as it lasts.
So the other question, is healing outside of reunion
possible? And I wonder if I had read
this book several years ago, would it have helped me heal at least to the point
of not being crippled? I can only
speculate, maybe it would/could have, but will truly never know.
Nor will I ever be able to answer if healing can exist
outside of reunion.
This book offers hope that it can. So if you are struggling and are not in
reunion, or are newly in reunion, give it a read. If you care to, shoot some feedback and
hopefully by then I’ll have the book finished myself.
I think this is an important topic that is open for
discussion, and if you are willing, please share a comment about your own
thoughts or experience about healing --
aka “recovery”.
Is Healing Possible?
“Adoption and Recovery: Solving the mystery of reunion” by
Evelyn Burns Robinson; 2004, Clova Publications; Christies Beach, South
Australia
