About Cheerio

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In general I am a cheery and energetic person. But I am enshrouded in a cloak of iron. That cloak is the weight of greiving my son, whom I've lost to adoption.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

my best friend

Yup, Susan, she's my best friend. We're not just friends, We're belly buddies! No, we were not pregnant at the same time. No, we did not join weight watchers together. No, we do not go whale watching. We met in January 1995. In the classifieds there was an "Intro to belly dancing" class being held at a nearby mall. I was still living alone, and thought it could be fun. So I went to this intro by myself. At the end the instructor had a sign up sheet for those interested to take regular classes. I was sitting there filling out my info, and the lady next to me was going to sign up too. I had no idea who she was, but I poked her with my pen as she wrote. That is my natural mischievousness seeping out. That was the beginning of a long special friendship. There were only 4 gals who signed up from that intro class. We stayed with that instructor for a little while. Although she was a fabulous and beautiful dancer, she stank as a teacher. So the 4 of us moved on to another instructor. "Miraj" was her stage name and she was an outstanding instructor. Soon the other girls dropped out of dance, but Susan and I stuck with for awhile longer. Then she got busier and busier and I was the only one who continued dancing, but we have stayed friends through the years. Everyone needs a crazy friend like her. She's energetic and bubbly. She has taught me how to be more trusting and generous. And she's always been there for me. Before my wedding in 1996, I was fed up with my employers and was looking for another job. They found out and fired me. So I went to my girlfriend's house that Friday night. We sat out in the hot tub and we celebrated. I don't drink often or very much, but that night I enjoyed a magnum of verde. And trying to get out of the hot tub was a challenge. I'll never forget my girlfriend and my then-boyfriend practically carrying me to the car and shoving me inside. It was a small wedding, but she was there. I ended up with a psycho maid of honor (long story, for another day), who caused all kinds of trouble at our wedding(which we didn't find out till later) and while we were on our honeymoon. When we got back and went to pick up our wedding gifts she stole most of them, she had eaten our anniversary cake, and smashed our crystal toasting glasses and porcelain cake topper. So I went bawling to my girlfriend, Susan. October 2001, my Grammy was in the hospital. She had been there about a week or so. I was going to visit her every night after work and staying as long as I possibly could. One afternoon when I arrived one of the Dr's wanted to talk to me, in another room. I was stunned as I was hearing him say that my Grandma was already starting to die. There was nothing they could do, except make her comfortable. My heart raced, and my mind was reeling from the shock. I thought they'd be able to make her better and I'd still have her for a few more years - not a few days or weeks. I will never forget that day, that feeling. I called my girlfriend from the hospital. Right away she could tell something was wrong. She was in the middle of canning, but she came over to the hospital, just to be there with me. Casual friends don't do that sort of thing. She is my best friend, and I don't know what I would do without her. Here's my problem. Although she knows about my son I lost to adoption, she doesn't understand how I feel. Whenever I do try to talk to her about it, she cuts me off with all the hurtful things we Natural Moms hear out here, like "You did the right thing." I know she means well, but I wish I could get her to just listen to me. Without interrupting. To open her mind up to consider that maybe adoption is not what she's always thought it is. She doesn't know this, but that first day we met, it was just months after I lost my son to adoption. She's my best friend, and yet she doesn't really know this part of me. She doesn't know that I've spent the past three months sleeping through depression. She's so energetic and bubbly, that it's easy to smile and laugh when I'm with her. And yet I don't think she realizes there is this dark spot in my soul. And part of me doesn't want to burden her with it. Because then, what's she going to do with it? Life is hard, NO ONE needs more sad news or to have to listen to someone whining about their problems. And so tomorrow night after work we're supposed to get together. We haven't decided yet what we want to do. Go for a movie, or just hang out and talk. I know what I want to do this time. I'd like to just sit by the fire (or in the hot tub) and tell her that I want her to just listen. it is soooo easy to sit here on the computer and type away - hiding behind this computer screen. I don't know if I could do it face to face...even if it is my very best friend.

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