About Cheerio

My photo
In general I am a cheery and energetic person. But I am enshrouded in a cloak of iron. That cloak is the weight of greiving my son, whom I've lost to adoption.

Saturday, November 1, 2008

2nd Hand Lions, the movie

I watched the movie when it came out (I believe in 2003), on the big screen. I remembered it being funny. I remembered the scene of the used lion they bought. But there was one other scene where his words were etched in my brain. When I saw the movie on sale this summer, I bought it. I put it in the shoebox of stuff for my son. Both my best friend and my husband know of this box. It contains a video of pics of my Grandam (whom I wrote about in a separate blog), and a card that I want to send when the day is right, and the journal. It is a journal of letters I've written to him over the years. This box is to go to my son someday...and If I cannot deliver it myself, my husband and best friend have vowed to give it to him for me. Months ago I bought this movie and put it in the box. Tonight I got the movie out of the box, and watched it again. And tonight you get the "Two for One Special". A blog containing both Cheerio's current world, and Cheerio's world, the day after I saw the movie almost 5 years ago (copied from my handwritten journal to my son). Cheerio's world today. The key part of the movie that has burned in my brain all these years (having seen it only once) was near the end of the movie. The boy jumps out of the car and is running away from his mother. She goes after him. And he gently says to her "do something for me" [for once was implied]. The 'something' he was referring to was for her to let him go.... for them to part ways. Let him go back to his crazy uncles, because that is what was best for him. And that is what I believed I was doing when I made an adoption plan. At the time before he was born I was so afraid that history would repeat itself, and that I would only mess up a child. I honestly and truly believed that for someone else to parent him would be better. "No child would want me as a mother." I can't tell you how many times I've said this out loud, but most often it was that voice inside my head. And I believed it. I believed this without any doubt or question until just recently. So for the first 13 years of my son's life - I pictured it 'best' for us to part ways. And for him to be raised by someone else as being better for him. When I watched the movie tonight, I wondered why in the world do I want him to see this movie? The mother ... that is not me. That is not me at all. And maybe that is what I want him to understand. Maybe I got the movie for him, so that journal page to him would make more sense. Here is what I wrote 11/9/03... Dearest ---. We went to see '2nd Hand Lions' on the big screen. [Hubby] likes to watch movies on the big screen, rather than to rent it. Except for all the swearing, it was a good movie. It made me think of you a lot. I hear that adopted children have to deal with 'abandonment issues.' And I hope that you don't feel like I abandoned you? I tried to select a couple that would be great parents. And I've always kept in touch. To me, I could understand feeling abandoned if I had dropped you off on some one's doorstep. Or like in this movie - where Walter was dropped off at his 2 uncle's house, unannounced. And his mother did not give him any way to contact her. She wrote him letters, but they were lies. I cried thru that part of the movie. I don't believe I did that to you. I hope you don't feel like that is what I did to you. If you have struggled with feeling abandoned - I am sorry. I did not want that to happen. I've kept in touch - not only because I love you, but also because I never wanted you to think that I did not love you. There was another part of the movie I cried thru. It was when the mother did come to take the boy back with her. ((I don't think it is right to say that I am like her. I did not make the decision to release you - out of hopes for selfish gain. Nor did I walk away with dry eyes. In this move the mother was making one bad decision after another. And she lied to her boy his whole life.)) anyway... The boy does not want to go 'home' with her because he saw he would be in a bad situation - and she did not care about that, only about herself. Walter says to her, with tears in his eyes - "Make a decision .... what is best for me ..." Although the situations are not at all the same, I hope that you see (someday) that the reason you are adopted - is that I made the decision, knowing it was best for you. It was very far from being easy. It was the most difficult thing I have ever done. But when I get pictures of you smiling - that makes it worth my hurt. To see you happy - loved - taken care of - & with your family! I Love You !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *** Back to Cheerio's world today. Wow, I am not at all the same person, sums it up! I am saddened to realize that many people had the power to help me become a good mom. But they used their power to separate our family instead. The adoption fork in my journey did not have to happen. I don't have the energy to get angry right now, but there are times that I feel so very angry that the 'christian' adoption agency took such anti-biblical steps in the so called 'counseling' when I was pregnant. (adoption from the modern christain distortion is another blog on another day.) People who are not in my moccasins think I should not be angry over "something that happened so long ago." Doesn't that imply that I can/should be angry over something that happened recently. If yes, than that is my point. The counseling did not affect me only 14 years ago. But it affected me every day since then. It has affected my husband. It has directly affected that fact that our family consists of a husband, wife, and two cats. Before my son was born I believed that "no child would want me / no child deserves me as a mother." After my son was born, and I gave him away (like a fool) it was daily proof that I would be a horrible mother because Good Mothers do not give their babies away. If I could not be a good mom to one child, then it would seem to reason that I could not be good to any others. This was my perception of myself, my worth, my grotesque inability to be a mom -- ever. I walked away from this blog and came back to summarize my point, especially since this movie was not really about adoption. I am not anti-adoption. There actually are times where adoption may be the better situation for a child. However, that is rarely the case and adoption is an over used and abused (by the professionals) option. I think this movie portrays the stereotypes that people have about natural moms - that "they don't deserve" their own child. And again, this may be true in some cases, but is very very rare. Most of the natural mother's I've met do NOT match this image. Included in those who do not match the image, I am among them. .

1 comment:

  1. Yes....

    Wonderful post. I walked a similiar path.

    Kristy

    ReplyDelete