Why I do not open up about being a birth mother - an introspection
[While going through papers, I found these pages ripped out of a spiral notebook. I have absoultely no idea when I wrote it. It may have been around 2014. Although I do not hide my 'status' anymore, it captures where I was at one point. It is part of my story, and I think it is still relevant.]
Why do I conceal instead of open up?
Because it is something about myself that I hate,
and I cannot change it
A substance abuser can change
and not be a substance abuser – “recovering / in recovery”
An abuser can change, stop abusing
no longer an abuser
A liar, thief, selfish
a liar can stop lying
a thief can stop stealing
a selfish person can stop being self-centered and learn to give
No Matter what I do or not do
I will never find
a way to cease being _____ a birth mother
There are people with disabilities that cannot be changed either
A person with dwarfism will always be a person of short stature
But the dwarf did not choose this– it happened without any decisions of his/her own
Not all disabilities or handicaps are from birth
Accidents may result in a person losing their sight, their limb(s), their ability to walk, talk, or even feed themselves
Perhaps they are permanently disfigured
I guess that’s it, this
Being a birth mother is an emotional disability
So, this emotional disability – is internal, unseen from those who pass by.
We recognize the signs of physical disabilities:
a blind person uses a can or service dog,
a paraplegic is in a wheelchair
scars or deformities that are not covered with clothing
But emotional disabilities, signs of it are only seen by the very astute.
People with disabilities are often
So, why would I want to expose this handicap, this emotional disability to the reviling of others?
It would be like gathering tinder and sticks and arranging them around a past I’ve hoisted up, where they will surely burn me – not physically, but emotionally burn me at the stake. (I can predict the reactions)
When you ask me to open up – this is what you ask me to do
I am who I am
Being a birth mother is something that has disfigured and painfully marred my life,
But I cannot change that
If I remove the veil so you can see the emotional scars
– can YOU be trusted with the burning torch in your hand?
I care too much, not about what people think about me, but about what they will say to me.
I did not make a “loving, selfless choice” as you believe
My son’s adoption was not a baby “saved from abortion”
It is not a “beautiful thing” or a “win-win”
[being told these things used to sting, but now they just make me angry because they are lies, lies, lies that people WANT to believe]
NO! It has been two decades of excruciating pain and torment
And you want me to open up to your trite & stereotypical responses?!
BUT I Must.
I Must remove the veil
You Must see the reality of a disfigured & wounded soul
YOU MUST have this OPPORTUNITY to see a reality of this institution you esteem so highly
It will then be up to you
Whether you look quickly away
because it is not the picture of beauty you expect to see,
Whether you look long enough to challenge your preconceived
& tightly held beliefs
and perhaps re-evaluate them
that I am
a birth mother
so you can see
the UGLY TRUTH