About Cheerio

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In general I am a cheery and energetic person. But I am enshrouded in a cloak of iron. That cloak is the weight of greiving my son, whom I've lost to adoption.

Sunday, November 24, 2013

you don't define me

There is a phrase from Barlow Girl’s song, “Mirror” that I keep replaying in my head. The song is about a girl who doesn’t like who she sees in the mirror and starts to starve herself to become thinner.  While the song has an important message to our young people (yes, both guys and gals) about self-image, that isn’t what I’ve been clinging to.

The phrase I keep replaying is “you don’t define me.”

Who or what defines us? 

There can be danger in who we allow to define us.

I think this is something someone who is in an abusive relationship probably struggles with. 

For me, as much as I hope for a reunion with my son – I cannot let that hope for something in the future define me today.  I cannot let him (my son) define me either.  He is who he is, somewhere distant and not inviting contact.  And I HAVE to be ok with that.

This has been on my mind for quite awhile, and I’m just now making the time to sit down and really focus on it – for myself.

It is hard, really really hard.  It is a decision I have to make.
I cannot let it define who I am today, right now.
And I will have to continually remind myself of this going forward.
Yes, I hope for contact, and will continue to hope.
But I cannot hold onto that hope so tightly that it defines me and what I do.

It is the same with shame.
That is what I see when I look in the mirror, shame.  When I hear or think about the words of this song, it is shame that I feel defines me, from the shame I am trying to break free. 

I have to define who I am.  I have to look myself square in the eyes and acknowledge it, and embrace who I am.  No side-stepping, no sugar coating, no wishful thinking, no consideration of turning back time. 

Perhaps this will be the way to start to not be so bound by the constant shame.
I think this is going to be much easier to write than to live by.

This you tube video shows several quotes at the end.  This is one of them,
"Other people’s opinion of you does not have to become your reality.  -Les Brown”



  1. You know.. bottom line: YOU ARE a FABULOUS person! Whether he does contact you or not.. nothing can take away that you are wonderful. And the fact that a horrible agency took advantage and lied to you.. still doesn't remove that you are super duper coolio!

    It won't take away the suck.. but the suck cannot take away from you.. it just hurts. Its how to shine through the hurt that I think is challenging! :)

    1. thanks, Claud ...
      for now, forget 'shining through the hurt'
      it is just getting through it at all

  2. "Other people’s opinion of you does not have to become your reality." -Les Brown”

    One of my all time favorite quotes...

    1. I've probably come across this quote before, but this time it just had a different meaning.

  3. I think you deal so well with what must be unimaginable pain. Do what you can to avoid being consumed by the loss. You have suffered so much, but you deserve to live too.

  4. I think you deal so well with what has to be unimaginable pain. Do what you can to avoid being consumed by the loss. You've suffered so much, you deserve to live too.

    1. dearest, everyoneactdead...
      I'm not sure how to respond to your opening comment ... "I think you deal so well ...." and I would have to say that if I were to actually post the threads that I have written but not publish, and if I were to write more often of what I'm thinking BEFORE getting it all quasi sorted out - you would probably realize that it just looks like I deal so well.
      I visited your blog briefly and was surprised to see your reference to suicide ideation. The surprise was not because I doubt you are struggling with it, but because even after all this time, I deal with it too.... suicide, and putting an end to all my struggle...or finding purpose a real reason to keep living, why bother to put one foot in front of the other?

      you totally nailed it though in your second sentence in you comment above , we ALL must do what we "can to avoid being consumed by the loss" which is such a difficult thing at times. It's not like "we" are looking for it to consume us, we can't really escape it.
      And I don't think we ever really will. I think it is a matter of somehow adapting to the pain and learning to function despite it's constant gnawing.

      We've suffer - and society doesn't realize it, doesn't want to recognize it...Families suffer, mothers, fathers, adoptees, siblings, etc etc etc.

      Yeah, I deserve to live, but there are times I just don't want to anymore. Like, What is even the point?

      But I can't let those thoughts consume me either. They come, more often at some times than others, but I can't let them stay. I can't think about them. Because if I die - "they" win - and he loses.