Infant Loss ... yup, that's what happened 17 years ago.
October 13, 1994 my beautiful and perfect son was born. I held him for the 3 days that I was in the hospital with minor complications. Then on that third day, I hobbled my way into the nursery to give him a gift. It was a baby blanket I crocheted for him.
By the expression on her face, I caught the agency worker off guard. She was in the nursery too. She was there to take my son away from me. She was all smiles and bubbly and happy. How sweet of her. To be so joyful as she witnesses firsthand a family being torn apart. How loving and kind hearted of her that she offered to capture this Kodak moment for me.
Yes, I have a picture of the last time I saw my son. It was the time I last held him. I was not given any privacy to even say good-bye. I guess that would not have mattered because I had been crying so hard I could not speak anyway. There were no audible words; however, my heart was screaming.
Lovely of this woman to be beaming as I begin collapsing on the inside.
I will never forget that day.
I will NEVER forget that day.
It was the day that the gate to hell was opened and evil attached itself to me as all it's pain and fury poured into my soul. I was sobbing. I was crushed. It felt as if my lungs were in a vice and it literally hurt to breathe. Every breath was painful and difficult. It felt like I was breathing in daggers and and shards of broken glass.
I should have run back into that nursery and snatched my son from her and held him tightly to my chest, where he belonged. I should have held onto him and never let him go. I should have said, "Let's go home" - not "goodbye."
But I didn't. I didn't because "this" was supposed to be better for him. It was 'better' because I would surely ruin his life and shackle him and keep him from reaching his full potential.
My (at the time) boyfriend helped me from the hospital to the car. When I asked why we were doing "this?" he played the role he was supposed to. He regergitated all the lies that we had been fed over the past few months. Basically he 'reminded' me that this was what was best for our son.
If you are pregnant and considering adoption my only word of advice is ... don't.
Listen to the screaming of your heart. Stop smothering it's cries with a pillow. The birth of your child WILL change you whether you parent or not. Embrace that change, don't turn in into a trauma.
Adoption is not "the answer." No, it is only piling on another problem and your life will become encased in thinly veiled layers of bondage. Unless you're violent toward children - your child deserves for you to take him/her home with you, so you can continue nurturing the bond that the two of you started 9 months earlier.
He/She already loves you. Please don't break his/her heart - Don't damage yours.