I couldn't help but just stare at it. Stare at that little flame flickering silently. It hurt too much to even get angry. How many other women were triggered unexpectedly today when she signed into CafeMom and saw this painful reminder and felt it piercing her heart?Pregnancy Loss... yup, that's what happened last summer. It sure was a dark and difficult year for me.
Infant Loss ... yup, that's what happened 17 years ago.
October 13, 1994 my beautiful and perfect son was born. I held him for the 3 days that I was in the hospital with minor complications. Then on that third day, I hobbled my way into the nursery to give him a gift. It was a baby blanket I crocheted for him.
By the expression on her face, I caught the agency worker off guard. She was in the nursery too. She was there to take my son away from me. She was all smiles and bubbly and happy. How sweet of her. To be so joyful as she witnesses firsthand a family being torn apart. How loving and kind hearted of her that she offered to capture this Kodak moment for me.
Yes, I have a picture of the last time I saw my son. It was the time I last held him. I was not given any privacy to even say good-bye. I guess that would not have mattered because I had been crying so hard I could not speak anyway. There were no audible words; however, my heart was screaming.
Lovely of this woman to be beaming as I begin collapsing on the inside.
I will never forget that day.
I will NEVER forget that day.
It was the day that the gate to hell was opened and evil attached itself to me as all it's pain and fury poured into my soul. I was sobbing. I was crushed. It felt as if my lungs were in a vice and it literally hurt to breathe. Every breath was painful and difficult. It felt like I was breathing in daggers and and shards of broken glass.
I should have run back into that nursery and snatched my son from her and held him tightly to my chest, where he belonged. I should have held onto him and never let him go. I should have said, "Let's go home" - not "goodbye."
But I didn't. I didn't because "this" was supposed to be better for him. It was 'better' because I would surely ruin his life and shackle him and keep him from reaching his full potential.
My (at the time) boyfriend helped me from the hospital to the car. When I asked why we were doing "this?" he played the role he was supposed to. He regergitated all the lies that we had been fed over the past few months. Basically he 'reminded' me that this was what was best for our son.
If you are pregnant and considering adoption my only word of advice is ... don't.
Listen to the screaming of your heart. Stop smothering it's cries with a pillow. The birth of your child WILL change you whether you parent or not. Embrace that change, don't turn in into a trauma.
Adoption is not "the answer." No, it is only piling on another problem and your life will become encased in thinly veiled layers of bondage. Unless you're violent toward children - your child deserves for you to take him/her home with you, so you can continue nurturing the bond that the two of you started 9 months earlier.
He/She already loves you. Please don't break his/her heart - Don't damage yours.
This is the most heartbreaking, true to life post I have read for a long time. I wish that every single mother considering adoption could read this, and truly feel every single bit of the pain behind your words.
These words below say it all. Completely.
"If you are pregnant and considering adoption my only word of advice is ... don't.
Listen to the screaming of your heart. Stop smothering it's cries with a pillow. The birth of your child WILL change you whether you parent or not. Embrace that change, don't turn it into a trauma."
Bless you Cheerio, for saying this, for having such a gift with words, for putting this out into the world for everyone to see. Now, if we could just get people to believe it, before they have to live it...
((((Cheerio))) What a heartfelt and beautiful post. I am incredibly sorry for both of your losses. Whilst I can relate to the infant loss, I have not had the pain of the other and I am devastated for you and all pthers I know who have been through this.ReplyDelete
The creaming of your heart... yes I relate to this so well and I hope any e-mother regardless of ag reads this and listens to you so they are not condemned to the same life.
Bless you Cheerio. Thank you for baring your soul and sharing with your readers so intimately.
Love Myst xxx
Adoption is not the answer, it never has been, it never will be.ReplyDelete
Thank you for speaking the truth no matter how painful it is.ReplyDelete
I wish your blog was required reading for every woman considering relinquishment.