About Cheerio

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In general I am a cheery and energetic person. But I am enshrouded in a cloak of iron. That cloak is the weight of greiving my son, whom I've lost to adoption.

Saturday, August 28, 2010

dreams and 'The Dream'

The other morning I dreamt about my son. He will be 16 in October and I have not dreamed about him often – maybe 5 or 6 times all together. Most of the dreams I was not able to get near him, he was always at a distance, if I even saw him at all. There was the very first dream many years a go that I went to a weekend retreat which just happened to be at his aparents' house. I was frozen when I realized who the hosts were. But I did not see my son in that dream. Then there was the dream that once again, I was at his aparents' house. In that dream, I could see him outside in their yard, under a tree, but there was no way to get close to him or talk to him because his amom took me to other rooms away from him and out of sight. There was the dream I had maybe 3 or fewer years ago. I was at some sight seeing location, and I was up behind the building, looking down over a wall and could see the back of the building. When I peered over the wall, there was my son, down on ground level with the building. In this dream he looked up and saw me. I didn’t know if he recognized me or not, but I ducked behind the wall fearful of what he would think if he had. The dream after that I was at his aparents' house again. I was in the lower level – the staircase came down the center of the room. Just beyond the last step were two bedrooms. As I sat there, I looked at a clock and realized that it was after 3pm and schools have dismissed for the day. Sure enough my son and his brother came home from school and both of them ran down the stairs and straight into their bedrooms. As quickly as he was there he was out of sight again. In each of those dreams my hubby was with me. My hubby of 14 & 1/2 years now, is my son’s original father. After each of those dreams I woke up with my heart racing, and was wrapped in a deep sadness that clung to me. It was a sadness that I just could not shake off. But the dream I had recently was very different. For starters when I awoke from the dream, I felt good. I did not have a cloud of forboding and gloom. I was not fearful or afraid. In fact I hit the snooze button several times hoping I could go back to sleep and continue the dream. In this dream, my son was in our home. Not just a random house or random living room, but he was actually HERE in the living room of my current house. The sense from the dream was that it was his first time here and he was looking at stuff around the room. I didn’t want to make him uncomfortable or feel as though he was being watched like a hawk, so I sat down with a sewing project – measuring material. I heard some noise behind me and turned to see what was going on. My hubby doesn’t go to the gym anymore – he has his own set of weights and bench he uses regularly these days. He keeps it all in our living room.
When I turned around what I saw was my son, Nathan (his name given at birth) doing curls with his father’s dumbbells. It was amusing to listen to him making those funny grunting sounds guys often do when they’re lifting weights. As I watched him, I observed other things in the room. Nathan would have walked by the smaller picture of himself to get to where the weights were. In my dream my eyes got big as I noticed he was a mere arm’s reach away from the larger 8x10 picture of him. In my dream I wondered about him seeing those pictures of himself displayed in our home. I also thought about him being old enough to drive and about him being here by himself. That was my dream. It is now 'The Dream' for the future as well – for him to be here in our home, comfortable, relaxed and casual. I have not guarantees what our reunion will be like someday, but I pray that in time it would be as this dream.
Dreams & The Dream


  1. Well, I love to interpret dreams, so here goes, lol.

    The dreams in which you were in his ap's home signifies (to me) the hold they have over you. That everything is on their terms. "My house, my rules" kinda thing.

    Your last dream signifies that your brain is letting you know that it will soon be on YOUR family's terms.

    Now- if I could just figure out my own dreams!!! Like the ones where I am falling, grocery shopping in the nude, or forgetting the combination to my high school locker!!!

  2. ahhh, Linda ... I'm not going to even try to interpret your dreams LOL!
    but yesh, I think you're right - that the time is coming where it won't be about the aparents in control anymore. One of the coolest things I've learned from you and others of my adoptee friends is that it often better to keep afamily and original family separate events. You have no idea how freeing it is to know that!