About Cheerio

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In general I am a cheery and energetic person. But I am enshrouded in a cloak of iron. That cloak is the weight of greiving my son, whom I've lost to adoption.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

dropping the attempt to 'catch up'

There are several things I’ve wanted to blog about over the course of the past 7 months.

I was trying to keep my blog posts mostly in a chronological order. However, that became a very difficult thing to do.

I fell behind on posting everything about the ARD (Adoptee Rights Demonstration). While at the ARD in July, I remember being puzzled as to why I was just so completely exhausted, and wondered where did the energy go? Normally when I’m away and have no pressure, I’m up before the sun. I'm packed full of energy that can’t be exhausted in one short day. That didn’t happen at the ARD, and it baffled me!

When I got home, I found that then stress and pressure from my job did not subside at all while I was away. It drained any bit of energy I would’ve had left. My intentions of posting after the ARD just didn't happen like I wanted.

Once I found out I was pregnant, I could not post about any of those experiences at the time, because I was hiding the ‘news’ from my employer for as long as I could. They had just laid off 30 people in my department, and I was afraid that telling them I’d need time off in the spring of 2010 would push me to the top of the list of people they’d cut next. I never did get a chance to tell them the "good news."

When September came and I lost the baby I felt like I couldn’t post ‘current’ things because I didn’t post ‘earlier’ things yet. Then came the period of time that I just couldn't write. There were no words to write.

So beginning today, I’m going to let go of chronological order for now. It’ll be up to you, the reader, to notice dates and put those pieces where they rightfully belong. I’m not going to try to ‘catch up’. I’m going to just write what I’m feeling and experiencing now, with a lot of reflection in some posts.

Today, as the wind blew and the temperature stayed below freezing, I walked outside to get the mail. Although the sun was shining, it was not warm in the least. But I could not resist the urge to walk through the gardens, it was calling to me and drew me in with no resistance. And I noticed signs of life.

There are little tufts of crocus sticking out of the ground! One area even has a few daffodil tips poking out.

That's very significant to me. Just like the spring bulbs, I too was emotionally cold and asleep - for a long time. But I've begun to thaw, and now is the time for me to wake back up, sharpen my pencils, and write!