Saturday, December 13, 2008
if I could reach out and touch your face ...
Oh, my dear son... If I could just reach out and touch your face... If I could, I don't think I would right now. I would not want you to see me like this. The tears streaming down my face, my lips quiver, and I ache. I am sure the pain is etched on my face. It hurts, my son, it physically and literally hurts when I think of you and long so much to be with you again. It's almost as if my chest cavity is in a vice and slowly the clamp is closing tighter and tighter. Oh, what have I done? How could I have been such a FOOL to believe all the lies of SOCIETY and the disgusting MONEY GRUBBING adoption agency. The deceivers don't even mention that they are an adoption agency; they try to portray themselves as a loving ministry who cares about women and their babies. They DON'T. They don't give a rip that I am sitting here aching and hurting. Going on through life having been mangled emotionally. They only care about the profit they make with each mother whom they can deceive to snatch her child. My child. My Only child. My only child ... gone ... so they could make a buck. So someone could make a payment on their fancy car or some other worthless material thing. I can't believe you're missing from my life because of greed. It makes it even harder to bear. Maybe, just maybe I would be able to bear it if it was necessary to let you go. But it was not. Oh, how I wish I would have seen that when you were an infant in my arms. In my arms where you were quiet and sleeping. Where you were content. How could I have been so blinded by their lies that someone else deserved you more? Why? Why do they deserve you so much more than I did? than I do? If they were so worthy and deserving, why didn't God answer their prayers to have their own biological child? Since God did not grant that wish, I am left to realize now that they were NOT more deserving. I am sure you are happy with your family. I know that you are loved and well cared for. But if you open the closet door of your mind, picture your family here too. When you picture us, do not imagine a couple that was happy that you are gone. That is so very far from the truth. I lament that you are gone. It was an awful horrible wrong choice to let you go. When the day comes, I know my eyes will be looking down, when you ask why? And all I will be able to respond with is "Because I was a fool." No matter how many people tell me how brave and courageous I was. No - I was a fool. No matter how many people tell me how selfless I was. No! - I was a fool. No teenage boy wants to hear his mother talk about how much she misses him. But I just can't help it. I do, I miss you terribly. I hope, just hope and pray that someday ... someday (soon?) I will get to look at you with my own eyes. Oh, to hear your voice for the first time... I know I will memorize the sound and play it back over and over. I hope that on that day, no matter if the tears are a gushing well, or like a trickling brook, that when you look in my eyes you would be able to look past the tears and see the enormous amount of love I have for you. the enormous amount of love I have for y o u ! ! !
original date 10/10/2008 2:35pm
3 days before his 14th bday