Uncle Ian ... 'Starfish' Update

End of February and early March I wrote about "Uncle Ian" and how "he's a starfish too"

Well, here's the Cheerio update.

Last week we had our follow up meeting with Uncle Ian.

I had my tablet, pencil, and manilla folder.

In the folder was a double sided brochure. I copied as much as I could from the Adoptee Rights Demonstration blog website, and pasted it into a word document trying to imitate the same format.

Cheerio was going in prepared.

Before the meeting I wondered to myself, "Well, what do I do if 'the subject' doesn't come up at all?" I figured that since I was not empty handed, the subject would not come up.

The meeting was much shorter this time. I feel like it was a big help to helping us feel more prepared for retirement.

As we were wrapping up, Uncle Ian asked if there were any other questions. So I asked how much we owe. I was shocked when he said "nothing." As we all know "nothing" is "free" these days. But he reminded us the very first time we talked, even then he said that a meeting just to review finances and see if we were on track financially would not cost anything.

I was stunned (and relieved ad thankful) at that bit of news.

But I was also nervous. The meeting wrapped up, and I still have this attractive color brochure in my manila folder.

We were being ushered to the door when I finally got up the nerve to pull out the brochure and hand it to him. I said "I printed this out for you. It's for you and your wife to look over and talk about. I have a lot of friends who will be at this Demonstration in Philly. I'm planning to be there with them in July."

He thanked me and said he'd share it with his wife.

Schew!!!

I wonder if Tigers ever feel nervous?

My nerves were all ruffled but at the same time, Cheerio made a stand -- even if it was just a teeny tiny one.

As many of us know - AParents aren't typically interested in the Adoptee's Rights. But I am. I'll be shy, but proud to stand with my friends in July to point out the discrimination and injustice!

I'll be there with or without Uncle Ian!

"He's a Starfish too"

I don't care if you're a girl, or if you're a guy - Everyone needs a good friend.

I'm not talking about people who know a whole lot about you, or even the people you might party with. I'm talking about a real, genuine, true blue friend. Someone who also knows what is going on inside of you. Someone who knows what makes you tick. Someone who knows what your 'hot' buttons are. Someone who knows how rotten you can really be, and yet they're still your friend anyway.

Everyone needs a friend like that. If you can find more than one or two, hang onto them with all your might. They're more than their weight in gold.

I have an on-line friend who is like that. By now she is not surprised to hear about my color coded to do list on my white board at work. She is not surprised to hear that everything I've even sent to my son is methodically organized and preserved to perfection. She is not surprised to hear about the most recent practical joke I've pulled over on someone.

We talk on the phone every three weeks or so. And I love every time we talk. I love that she listens to my boring stories. I love to hear her laugh. I especially love hearing the commotion in the background at her house (all the time!).

When she calls me and is upset, I hate to know she is hurting, but I am glad that I can be there for her when she needs a listening ear or reassuring hand on her shoulder.

And so, I'm telling my friend Cassi about the episode of Uncle Ian and the Adoption Sales Pitch.

I was actually talking to her on the same night it happened. I'm being my animated usual self, with raising and lowering my voice to add emphasis and interest. I was still feeling kind of confident for taking a stand. I'm vocalizing to her what my next step is. I emphatically state that "I am now on a quest to find the perfect phrase to silence Uncle Ian for good! I need that phrase which would drive the silver spike through his heart to ensure the dark, evil, and vampirish subject of adoption will NEVER come up again. I need to put him in his place!"

You know what happened next?

I bet not, because it sure caught me by surprise.

Instead of being egged on by my friend, she says something that stops me in my tracks.

If you have a good friend, like I described. I'm sure you would agree that you know that you're in for trouble when they say, "Can I be brutally honest with you?"

I stopped. I literally stopped. I think my arm was midair, and my pacing of the floor ceased. I thought to myself, "Gee, this is bad. What now?"

After pondering her question for what seemed like an hour, but surely it was only a few seconds, I said to her, "Yes, please be honest with me."

And quietly (well, as "quiet" as is possible for Cassi) she says to me, "But, Cheerio, you know ... he's a starfish too."

Instantly turmoil broke lose inside of me. I felt myself protesting, "But...." "NO!" "no, no, no, no! I can't". My offensive stance disappeared, and instantly all the walls to protect myself went up.

She goes on to describe what I did NOT want or even Care to hear, but I needed anyway.

She asked, "Who? Who is going to prepare him for what his two beautiful Chinese daughters will face in the years to come? Who will help him and his wife realize that these two girls deserve the right to grieve instead of being forced to feel grateful? Who will help this family through the greatly misunderstood turmoil ahead?

"How will they ever come to know that there is another side of adoption? -the side that involves loss, instead of gain? -the side that is sadness instead of smiles? -the side that hurts deeper than words would ever reach? - the side that is brokenness instead of butterflies and rainbows?

"How will

they

EVER

know?"

At this point, I'm just standing there listening. My tirade is over, and my spear is on the ground and out of reach. There will be no fight, no target on whom I can unleash all my anger and rage of past hurts.

No, no fight this time.

She's right.

I was standing in front of the coal stove. My right hand was holding the cell phone up to my ear. My left hand would clench, unclench, clench and unclench again. ((With long nails a person needs to do this exercise carefully; otherwise there can be little spots of blood seeping through where the skin was punctured just a little too hard.))

Although she recognizes that I am not ready to 'go public', with my 'adoption story'. Well, quite the contrary, it is not a 'story' it is the 'truth' that I've refused to reveal.

At the same time this man's two beautiful daughters deserve for their father to KNOW the 'other' side of adoption.

Unexpectedly I come up with a different plan.

Instead of "putting him in his place" with a verbal attack,

I will offer him a different perspective.

I haven't hammered out all the details just yet. But here is the crux of the plan.

In some way, shape, or form, Uncle Ian will be invited to join others who could "talk about adoption for hours". Hopefully he will have an "open mind" and join us on July 21st, 2009

at the Adoptee Rights Demonstration in Philadelphia, PA.

(( http://adopteerightsphilly.blogspot.com/ ))

"...he's a starfish too"

The Starfish Story

Cheerio has a whirlwind of topics and posts I want to write. I think I would need a week off work to get it all out. That is not really an option for me right now. So I'll start by copying something I posted in a private First Moms group May of last year.
Don't skip this post ... one of my future posts, currently one of the nine at the drawing board, will relate to this story. So here it is ahead of time.
 Don't forget it, and be sure to look next week for a new post referencing this one.
 This just feels like the ideal time to just say to all my followers and people who visit my blog often - Thank You! Some of you comment, some of you don't. I'm grateful to everyone. Thank you for the feedback and encouragement. To my quiet non-commenting friends Thank You for the support you show when simply stopping by. We really do need each other. I do believe that together we can and do 'make a difference.' 
I was on the phone with a friend. She is a woman who lost her first son to adoption, as I did. I could tell she was discouraged in this battle fighting against the myths of adoption. And so I asked her a question. It’s a question I ask myself often. I’ll ask you the same question.

“Can you make a difference? Really? Can you make a difference?”

Her response had much of the same doubt I fight off myself. And then I remember this story.
I call it The Starfish Story. You may have read it somewhere, and I apologize for not getting all the details right. My pastor shared this story as part of a sermon a long time ago.

Many of us in this group are in some way speaking out to fight the wrongs of adoption. Sometimes you may get weary or feel like you’re not being heard. And so, I’d like to share this story with you.
One morning following a storm, a little boy is walking along the beach, ahead of his family.
Before him, as far as he could possible see was a devastating site.
Thousands and thousands of starfishes had been beached by the storm. 
Some did not make it, but as the little boy is walking along, he could see that many are still alive and struggling to survive.

It’s such a beautiful morning, the sky is blue with puffy white clouds floating high, seagulls swooping and squawking, and the morning sunrays feel warm.

It is a beautiful day; yes, a perfect day for playing at the beach, making sandcastles and running along the edge of the water. But the little boy notices none of that. His heart seems to be breaking as he realizes the fate of these starfishes strewn all over the shore.

What could he do?
He couldn’t just walk on by and let them all out here to die in the rising sun!
There were so many starfishes. He must do something! .

He bends down, gently picking one up.
 As he is holding it in his tiny hand, it’s as if instincts take over. And like a boy with a stone, he tosses the starfish as far as he possibly could out into the ocean, into the water where the starfish will be able to recover and survive.

It dawns on him that this is the answer. Now he is on a mission. He is moving as quickly as possible, picking up a starfish and tossing it into the water. He picks up another starfish and tosses it into the water. This goes on for quite some time, the little boy working his way down the beach rescuing starfishes.

The little boy did not realize he was being watched by an older gentleman sitting on the beach.
At his age, he’s witnessed this scene many times, of so many starfishes that were stranded and he could not even begin to count them. It’s just what happens when there is a storm like that. Nature will take its course and they will die.

Engrossed in his task, the boy does not even notice the older man sitting in his chair watching.
The boy was somewhat startled when the man called out to him. “Hey, son! What are you doing there?” Then the man lifts himself from the chair and approaches the boy.

Tossing the  starfish into the sea the boy proudly declares, "I'm rescuing starfish!"




The man leans his head back and lets out a mocking laugh.

He is genuinely amused. “Son,” the man says. “So you are rescuing starfish, huh?”
The man chuckles again. Then he reaches out his hand and motions a broad sweeping gesture the length of the beach. “Son, there are thousands upon thousands upon thousands of starfish out here, and there is only one of you. There is just no way that you can rescue all these starfish. I’m sorry to be the one to tell you this son, but they’re going to die. You should just go have fun with your family instead. What you are doing is insignificant, and it doesn’t matter.”

 Undaunted, the boy bends over and picks up another starfish.
Still following the pattern he had all morning, he tosses it back into the ocean.
Without even turning to look at the man, he says

 “It matters to this one.”

it matters

to

this one