About Cheerio

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In general I am a cheery and energetic person. But I am enshrouded in a cloak of iron. That cloak is the weight of greiving my son, whom I've lost to adoption.

Friday, November 21, 2008

logic without a heartbeat

Today is one of those days that I’m just in turmoil inside.  
People who haven’t lost a child have NO Clue what our lives become. 

 I have two nephews who have been missing for 10 years. And twice this month when visiting friends, they asked how my sister is doing. And I am just totally floored by how insensitive and cold hearted their replies are. 

 To the one friend I said my sister is doing okay considering. My girlfriend said what do you mean? This girlfriend has always known about my missing nephews. I tried to express that although my sister is doing ok in general, she is still searching for her two lost boys and that is a hard place to be. 

 I’m trying to find the words of how I felt when my girlfriend replied. I distinctly remember my bodily reacting as if someone had powerfully thrust a dull dagger into my chest. My shoulders pulled around me as I recoiled from the impact of the blow. The air was knocked out of me. I was angry and indignant as her words burned into me. “She needs to understand that they aren’t little boys anymore….and she needs to realize that they might not want to ever see her... – blah blah blah blah … get over it..” 

 What a cold-hearted, judgmental, insensitive –itch. I thought to myself. What the heck would YOU know what it’s like? You talk to your son on the phone every day, right? Often it’s several times a day. How can you spout out words of advice of how my sister should go on and just put it all behind her. How would YOU feel if the shoe were on the other foot and you didn’t even know what your son looked like? If his biological father moved him from family member to family member to family member – between several states and back again – and YOU were blocked from him? Then if you were to call up a family member that you think had your son, and they hung up on you. Or when you call and you can hear children’s voices in the background but you’re told your son isn’t there. To not know – to honestly NOT KNOW where you son was or what was happening with him. Tell me how you think YOU would feel? WRONG!!! 
You’re absolutely wrong!!! YOU have NO CLUE how that would feel! How could you? How could you possibly know the feelings of helplessness, the feelings of anger, the feelings of being betrayed, the feelings of GRIEF sadness and loss? How could you? You KNOW where your son is. Even if you tried to imagine don’t forget to think about how deflated and dismissed it would feel with everyone telling you what you SHOULD do – as if you are stupid or as if you aren’t searching hard enough. Don’t forget to feel the pain when people look at you as if you’re undeserving of your own child. Don’t forget to imagine how LONELY it would be to try facing each and every day without someone else to talk to, someone who understands. Not judge, just understand. Imagine how isolated you’d feel that you don’t have someone to go to when you’re crying and have no idea what to do next. Without anyone to sit beside you and just cry with you or give you a hug when you feel like you’d just rather die. You can’t imagine it at all. You can’t imagine the overwhelming pain of surviving just one day without your son – let alone a month, a year, a decade. Don’t stand there and tell me what this poor woman needs to do. I won’t tell her to give up. I won’t tell her to stop loving her boys. I won’t tell her to stop searching. And I won’t tell her that she should not grieve, that she should get on with her life or get over it. You just don’t understand. As long as she breathes, a mother longs for her child. To get over it means we would have to cease breathing, lie down and die.


  1. my god your article just screams out to me, I lost my son to forced adoption in 1981 in ireland, we were reunited in ireland in 200, but even though it was a positive reunion I have not heard from my son in nearly a year, no reason just no contact.....it bloody hurts. What a brilliant piece of writing

    ~see I did not forget you I carved you in the palm of my hand~

  2. hey...nice blog! you and I have the same template.

  3. Some people just don't stop and think. I especially see this 'just get on with life' line of thinking when family is searching for a missing loved one whom is presumed to be dead. After a few years of searching, well meaning frinds tell them that they 'have to move on' or to 'get on with life'...but HOW can a person do that? For until that missing loved one is located and put to rest, there's always that one small flicker of hope burning...no matter how dim. There's always that tiny 'what if'. There are no answers or closure.
    As far as your friend, feel free to let her know that I appreciate her compassion. But if she wants to offer up advice, perhaps she could come up with something that I haven't already thought 1,000 times myself, over the course of 10 years :)
    There is one other element that most people don't realize. Since the 'abduction' of my first 2 sons, God blessed me with a 3rd little guy.
    (and more recent...a good man...so I guess I am actually working at rebuilding a family unit kind of thing...NOT easy, when the person you loved abducted your other children.
    Over of the years, my little guy has watched me as I searched for his brothers...He has seen me happy as I thought I found one of them again..and he has seen me broken, as I realized that once again I was at a dead end.
    Some days I feel as if I did wrong, letting him know about his brothers...but I never imagined it would be 10 years and counting.
    Now, at almost 8 years old, he talks of his brothers on occasion...and he watches as I work on the web, and print fliers, trying to help others who are missing...
    What would this precious soul think...or how would he feel...
    if I just gave up this search for my sons/his brothers?
    Those of us who have someone missing in our lives, whether it be by abduction, adoption, or runaway, should pray hard that those who don't understand never truly will. For there is honestly one way to understand...and I don't wish it on anyone!

  4. Oh wow, thats awful your sister lost her two boys! I can't imagine what it would be like to lose 2 children, it is hard enough bearing the loss of one... she is doing very well if she can manage to get up every day! Some people are incredibly stupid. Insensitive. Judgemental. Naiive. Yes, all these things... but mostly, oh so very stupid.

    I would never expect any woman to just get over the loss of her child. How can they? Its not a toy or a thing they have lost but a living human being and one that has lived inside them for 40 weeks.

    You guys have really been through a lot and are an inspiration for others to never give up. Thank you for sharing... xxx