bi-lingual and the language of pain

Last January I started back to school.  Cheerio the student

  I always loved school and it was thrilling to be back in the classroom.  It was also the start of a whole new chapter in my life and I determined from the very beginning that I would not hide in shame about my adoption situation.

  In Speech, I sat near a window and shared a table with Doug.  He was a very friendly, pleasant, talkative kind of guy, and he was a good listener!  Ok, that turned out to be sort of bad, because the Professor had to look our way and shush us every now and then.  We got along well and did great on our projects.

  At one point early in the semester we happened upon the topic of cultures that are bi-lingual and the Spanish language.  I learned just a few months earlier that my son takes Spanish in high school, so the mysterious Mother’s pride was kicking in.  I pulled his picture out of my book bag and put it on the table to show Doug.  “He takes Spanish,” I said. 

  One of the voices in my head nagged loudly about that being lame and ridiculous.  “Lots of kids take Spanish, what’s the point of even mentioning it?  Are you going to tell Doug who ‘he’ really is? Or is it going to be another secret?”  After a slight pause I leaned over to tell Doug his name and continued, “He is my son, but he is adopted and I haven’t seen him since he was three days old.”  The Professor looked over at us to hush as she continued her instructions to the class. 

  After a period of time he leans over and quietly said, “That must have been a very hard choice to have to make.”  Apparently Doug kept thinking about it even though we stopped talking.  This really surprised me because so often there is an awkward silence when I do tell people about my son.  It was a double surprise because he acknowledged the struggle, rather than the typical squeals of “Oh! That is wonderful!” This is something I often hear.

  When we had a break (and were allowed to talk) Doug shared his personal story with me.  When his son was about 3 years old, he and his wife separated.  For a month he could not see his son. 

  Doug expressed how that month was just a horrible experience not being with his son and the overwhelming fear of wondering when he would see him again.  He was expressing sympathy for me as he simply said, “I cannot imagine how much harder it has been for you to go all these years not being able to see your son.”

Later that night I told my hubby about the conversation with Doug.  It was my hubby that pointed out how and why Doug’s personal story is so profound.

Doug’s son is now a young man in his twenties and a father with young children of his own.  Here it is more than twenty years later and Doug vividly remembers the crushing blow of being separated from his son – for only one month.  He was devastated.

Wow. 

The correlation
-to the adoption community
-to adoptive parents
-to potential adoptive parents
-to who are funding the unethical actions of the adoption industry;

...the separation is devastating.  

For Doug, that one month of separation had a lifelong and profound impact on him.

If you are adopting a fresh from the womb infant, then you
- yes you
 – you are party to devastating that family. 

  As a mother of such loss, I (and many others) can attest to the devastating pain that increases over time. 
  Although they are unable to form words to verbalize it at the time, the sons and daughters are also greatly affected.  In their own unspoken ways they are devastated too, not just as infants, but it affects them the rest of their life.

Adoption

Devastates

Families

Cheerios World Back Ordered

I don’t know what you expect when you visit this little blog.
I tell people that [here] I am an open book.
You may have noticed and maybe even wondered why there have been very few posts from Cheerio since the ARD in July.

It was because I did not have the physical strength. I noticed the lack of energy seemed to start at the ARD (Adoptee Rights Demonstration at Philadelphia in July). Several weeks leading up to the ARD I was under extreme pressure at work, but in the past when I went away on vacation and was able to relax, I would be up before the sun, and just bursting with energy. 

This did not happen at the ARD. I was confused and frustrated with myself at the ARD, because I was tired and slept a lot, much more than I usually would.

My Hubby chalked it up to it just being emotional for me, and therefore; he concluded, I was just emotionally drained. When I got back from the ARD, the pressure at work had not subsided. I was so extremely tense. I don’t think I had ever felt this unbelievably tense at any of my other jobs before.  

One night while I was driving home, I had a thought… What if I’m pregnant? What if I’m pregnant and the stress hurts my baby? I would hate them forever if anything happens to my baby from all this stress.

This nagging thought kept coming back until I finally decided I would take a HPT (home pregnancy test) just to be sure. If I was pregnant, I would have to find a way to not let the pressure and stress get to me.

There are a few more posts about the ARD event, including the ARD March itself, which I plan to write. However, before I continue with those posts, I am going to post some of the journal notes I wrote after the ARD and taking that HPT. 

I was not able to post them at the actual times - so I will note the actual journal date.

Cheerios World Back Ordered

From ‘Closet Creep’ to ‘Cannon Ball’

 There are many things that contrast my former neighborhood to the ‘new place’ we live. Sidewalks are one of those things. We don’t have them here.

 I recommend you Do NOT bend down to look in your mailbox if a car is headed down the road. If you do, your rear end might be on someone’s front fender.

 In my former neighborhood the widowed lady across the street was an amazing fiery respectable woman. She also had a manicured lawn. Faithfully she edged along the sidewalks to ensure that the grass stayed in its place and did not creep out beyond its borders and spread out on her sidewalk. She was very adamant that there would be no grass creep while she was on duty!

 Grass creep, you know, that’s when the grass grows over the edge of your sidewalk and in time your sidewalk gets narrower and narrower. If left unchecked, the grass will grow completely over the sidewalk hiding the fact that a sidewalk ever even existed.

 In April I wrote a post “Cheerio sticks her neck out.” In that post, I described myself as an “in the closet first mom.” Basically that no one in my day to day life knows that I have a child, a son whom I lost to adoption. Since he was my only child so far, the natural assumption people have is that I’ve never been pregnant.

 There are a lot of excuses as to why it is people don’t know. The very select few that do know have just brushed it off as me being “a private person.” But to be completely honest - fear is the biggest reason. In April’s post, I described that my on-line friends (other first moms and adoptees) are gently coaxing me out of the closet.

 While I was writing that post, I had light bulb moment.
Instantly it became crystal clear to me that the money grubbing adoption agency wants me to live in fear and to keep to myself. They WANT me to keep the closet doors shut. Even more importantly, they want me to keep my mouth shut.

 Rather than seeing me ‘find healing,’ what they really want is for me (and other first moms) to be paralyzed by the fear, to be quiet, and to stay hidden. So, if I stay in the closet, that makes them very happy.

 After that postl, I experienced a bit of, what I’ll call ‘closet creep.’ Just like the grass that slowly crosses that line to where it is not allowed, in small ways I began to let adoption slowly slip out of the closet and creep into my life in various ways.

 I’ve mentioned the Adoptee Rights Demonstration more than once on my ‘real’ FB. Twice I’ve commented on the evils of adoption to people, as part of passing conversation. (Just short comments, not deep discussions). I’ve ‘confessed’ to a co-worker. This is someone whom I’ve actually talked to in the past, at times when I was really really sad; however, I would never tell WHAT I was really really sad about. I have even worn my cute little ARD tshirt out in public. Once to church, once to a family event, and once just out and about doing errands.

Yup, "closet creep." So far I’m just trying to engage in ‘adoption’ related topics, yet the fact that I have a son lost to adoption is still quiet – still in the closet.

Although that may soon come to an end. Early May I was reading one of the flyers at church. The flyer was regarding support for a local crisis pregnancy center, and it claimed that this center “provides accurate information about options.” For over two years I’ve bitten my tongue and kept quiet about this pregnancy center. Two years earlier I called and talked to them to find out for myself about their counseling. It is very pro-adoption biased and does NOT provide accurate information about adoption.

 I’ve had enough of being silent, and took a week to compose a letter. I sent the same letter to all the elders of our church, and to our pastor. I've challenged them about their flyer. In my letter I asked how they knew “accurate information” is provided? Has anyone actually investigated it? And what if? What if they find that the counseling is inaccurate and/or biased?
I sent these letters to people who don’t know about my own adoption journey.


Last week I sent letters to my government legislators.
Recently I got an e-mail with an “assignment” to help adoptees in their fight for open records. Whoa… When I got my “assignment”, to be honest, I was ready to give the assignment back and say I didn’t want it. That I don’t have time. Or that I’m doing enough already. Or that I’m doing more than other people. But I didn’t.

 I left the e-mail in my inbox and thought about it. So, tonight I replied to the e-mail asking for more help, because I don’t really understand what it is she wants me to do. I reminded her that I’m brand new to all of this, and need a little guidance in the beginning.

I want to share with you WHY I decided to take on this assignment. Because I

want to fight

the adoption industry.

  I can not undo the decision I made so long ago. I realize that I cannot change the past no matter how much I regret it.

 While I hope that I am making a difference to one woman, to one child, to one family – I know that I cannot stop the unnecessary adoptions from happening. But what I “cannot do” has nothing to do with what I “can do.” I can join with adoptees in their fight for open records. After all, who are they really fighting against? They’re fight is with the adoption industry.


 It is the adoption industry that pays the lawmakers to block adoptees from their records. And it the adoption agencies that wishes the same silence from adoptees as they wish from first moms. The closet was closed for years and years and years. I don’t think I really had any intentions of ever coming out willingly. A month ago it was just closet creep, but now it feels like I’m being shot out of the closet, as if from a cannon.

from Closet Creep

to

Cannon Ball

pro-life?

Cheerio used to be pro-life. My sister got those newsletters and stuff from Keith Green. As a teen, I remember walking around to strangers to have petitions signed against abortion. It it is because of the pro-life agenda, I lost my son. I was only 14 or 15 when learning about abortion. I didn't even have a boyfriend, and yet they sold me their biggest pro-life lie. The lie that that Adoption is 'THE ANSWER' to an unplanned pregnancy. At that time I did not even KNOW someone who was dealing with an unplanned pregnancy. Yet I wrote papers about it. At some competition I even got some kind of award on a paper with the topic! Was it because my writing was so fabulous? No, it's because I was arguing for a cause that many people believed to be true. That I was imploring people to not let innocent little babies be killed, when there are so many loving couples who could adopt them. Otherwise these couples would never have a family. I am no longer Pro-Life!!! I will NOT argue for their cause anymore, because I know firsthand that the prolifers INSIST on gluing adoption with the abortion subject. You can't hear a prolifer talk without the adoption subject coming up. Let's ignore the voice of the women who faced unplanned pregnancy and chose adoption. Many of these natural moms say that they did not seriously consider abortion. Let's ignore the facts that many women don't consider adoption until they're past the stage where an abortion could be done. So, why are they weaving the adoption thread throughout an abortion discussion? Pro-Life is a puppet for marketing the adoption industry. And it sickens me to the core. Prolifers won't even CONSIDER the downside of adoption. Not only that, their blinders are fastened so tightly to focus on there being only two choices: Abortion or Adoption. Then they REFUSE to consider there is a third choice. If THAT ISN'T brainwashing and narrow minded, then what is? If you must label me, I am NOT pro-life, and I am NOT pro-choice. I am PRO-FAMILY. It's about time people get their stories straight and start recognizing that adoption as they know it, is a myth. It is a lie. Adoption is not an answer to a "problem"! Adoption merely introduces another "problem". It is NOT a win/win situation. Prolifers and Family Values is a conflicting statement. Family Values don't tear families apart. Instead they would be supporting and encouraging the expectant mom to parent. Instead of using the adoption rhetoric that erodes her confidence and belittles her worth to the child that already loves her! There is a third option for an unplanned pregnancy, it's called Parenting. If prolifers REALLY AND TRULY believe in family values, like they say they do, they would research adoption and it's affects on the natural moms and the children.