sometimes I wonder
if
it would have been better
had
I
not
found you
Ironically I found this graphic on a blog post about forgetting
maybe
finding you
was
another huge mistake
I've made
found
-
still lost
Oh Cheerio... my heart cries for you. Sending you lots of love my friend
ReplyDeletethanks, Susie for taking time to reply and send love
DeleteIf I had three wishes I'd spend one on you - that your family had never been separated. ((((HUGS and LOVE)))))
ReplyDeleteif I assume you are the Daria 've et on CM and at the ARD in TX - you are one of the few AMoms who recognizes that adoption starts with separation and is painful...for original mom and their children too.
DeleteYeah, I wish too that there was not a money hungry industry so actively in place that unnecessarily separates families.
But there is no going back to that point in time when I gave my son away.
Nor can I really go back to that point in November 2010 when I found him and erase it.
I am just so terrified of my every move now - I am constantly worrying if I did 'this' wrong, or maybe because I did 'that' wrong.
Maybe I really did "interrupt" his life ... maybe it would have been better for him just to look for me when he was ready.
I just don' know how to cope with the overwhelmingly crushing feelings ad thoughts.
and I guess I is just natural reaction to blame myself - after all - our separation was my fault to start with.
Yes it's me. I get it because of friends like you who are willing to share their pain to educate others. I'll forever be in your debt for that.
DeleteIt's easy for me to say don't shoulder all the blame but I wish you could find a way not to do that. You were manipulated out of your child! Plain and simple. You owe yourself at least SOME level of forgiveness.
As for if you should have waited to search, I'm no expert but statistics bear out the fact that male adoptees don't search as often as females. So personally I think what you did was right. Even if he's not ready, he knows that you are there with open arms. He won't have the fear of searching and opening himself up to rejection. I think that's huge.
By finding him, he now knows without a doubt that you and your husband love him. I honestly feel he will come to you one day.
ahhh, the mythological? 'forgiveness' - yeah, my nemesis. I'm not sure if I will ever win that war, but I guess the reality is that I must keep trying, eh?
DeleteWith my head - yes I forgive myself, I acknowledge the reality of the coercion factor while at the same time acknowledging my own responsibility -my part in it too.
I 'know' all this stuff.
But then there is the matter of the heart - it seems to run on its own circuit board and doesn't compute what I 'know'.
Maybe I shouldn't be so dramatic, it does bring some level of relief or comfort, but it just isn't strong enough and quickly shrivels up when the feelings are the most intense.
But you are right ---
you are right.
I do need to find a way to forgive myself - at the heart level too, if that is possible.
--
I don't know if I trust the expert statistics,unless there are more recent studies, the stats most often used were from a time when all adoptions were closed. Will those stats change as the children of semi-open/semi-closed adoptions become adults. Will modern technology too affect those stats?
Perhaps. Perhaps not.
And yes, he won't have to wonder if we'll reject him. At the same time it freakin hurts to feel so invisible and insignificant (that stupid heart thing again, is it determined to drown me?)
Thank you, Daria,
for giving me a chance just to talk about it.
Your support and encouragement and gentle loving nudges are greatly appreciated!
I wish I could tell you it gets easier, less heavy to carry with time, but I would be lying. I will tell you that I hold you close to my heart and share the same wishes I have for my son and I, with you and your son.
ReplyDeleteDenise
xox
thanks, Denise ...
Deletexox to you too
it's not what anyone wants to hear, but I know that what you share is honest and I know you truly understand
my heart aches knowing how things went with your situation too
Too much talk of fault, mistakes and blame here. You of all people should know that once youve planted something there is a need for patience. Stand back and give it some time to grow...
ReplyDeletethank you gardener for taking the time to reply.
ReplyDelete"too much talk of ..."
does that mean I should just keep holding it all inside me?
when or where it is ok to talk about what I REALLY FEEL, what I REALLY THINK?
I blog for several reasons, to educate (anyone considering adoption), to show support to other original moms/families, and because it's supposed to be therapeutic.
Who among my IRL circle of friends can I go to who can say 'I Get it' ? there are none. I have fantastic friends whom I know CARE about me, about my son, but they truly can't say they get it, no matter how dear of a friend they are to me. I cherish their support and words of encouragement, but there are times when they are limited. It is not fault finding to say that - it just is.
It would not be fair of me to expect them to 'get it' either.
At the same time there have been times their input has been a tremendous help, and I am grateful to them.
I understand how you could see it as too much negative talk. But it honestly is the whirlwind of thoughts and feelings I am dealing with. I know it isn't what some believe I 'should' think or feel. But feelings are neither right or wrong - they are what they are. They have been hounding me, more some days than others.
With this post I finally got it out of my head!!! It gave me an opportunity to have dialogue with others about it. And responses with Daria were helpful to help me reframe.
(i'm glad I got replies, because the dialogues I've been having with myself have not been as helpful lately)
Even your gardening analogy, applies to my frustration.
Every seed or plant has its own needs
delphinium seeds like it dark and cool to germinate - others like full sunlight and high temps - some seeds NEED the frozen temps before they'll germinate.
Some plants need constant moisture and watering, others like it dry. Some like sweet soil, some dislike fertilizer.
You pretty much have to know SOMETHING about the plant in order to appropriately care for it. Some like neglect, some are high maintenance. For some watering every day is necessary, for others it will kill them. My frustration with my son is that I HAVE NO IDEA which it is. In this case, it isn't patience alone that is needed, it is a little more information to give me confidence I'm watering just enough -so as to not kill from thirst & not too much to kill by drowning.
Thank you again for taking time to reply. I hope we hear more from you in future posts :)
cheerio!