About Cheerio

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In general I am a cheery and energetic person. But I am enshrouded in a cloak of iron. That cloak is the weight of greiving my son, whom I've lost to adoption.

Saturday, September 28, 2013

his voice

his voice
i don't know why I do this to myself,
but I found more stuff online relating to  my son...
i found pics from around the time of his High School Graduation
(he is quite a handsome young man)
and there are some short video/pics of him at his xc events away at college...

just had to keep digging 
why didn't I just stop with the three new pictures?

- i don' tknow,
i guess it's like a little kid picking a scab?
i am so curious,
i am also very happy for him relating to good things in his life, to see him smiling and doing what he seems passionate about

i found a video of an xc event this month, and after the race, the person wandered around asking guys how they felt about their time.
and so,
19 years later

I finally get to hear the sound of his voice...from a stupid video!! 

not over the phone,
not skype,
not f2f,
but some stupid impersonal video...

it is so hard being on the outside.  

yeah, I know - I know,
patience patience patience

He is happy, he is healthy, he is in a good direction for life ...
yes, it brings both relief and genuine happiness for him

at the same time
i am tired of finding stuff about him
- it always leads me back to this place of more hurt from still missing him

i don't want to know "about him" - i just want a chance to get to know him


  1. Oh Cheerio!! Holding you in my heart as you get through this latest heartbreak...

    You are NOT a dumb, stupid, pea brained fool!!! You are a mom, living without her child, having to get to "know about" him through the stupid computer. That is an inhumane thing to expect of any mother. Adoption is the dumb, stupid, pea brained fool ~ not you!

  2. I regularly search online for information about my sons. It is not stupid. It's an expression of your love, loss & motherly curiosity. When I do find things, I feel pride & joy.

    1. I am glad you have good feelings from what you find, Jill. I do too, but many times that fades and leaves me feeling sadder than before I started searching.