About Cheerio

My photo
In general I am a cheery and energetic person. But I am enshrouded in a cloak of iron. That cloak is the weight of greiving my son, whom I've lost to adoption.

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

They're afraid of me

What do you do when you’re feeling blue? 

I hear some people shop, some eat, while others may sleep.

When the pain is crushing down and I am struggling tremendously to keep my head above water, Cheerio retreats into a world of dragons.

My oldest nephew says the movie Eragon is juvenile, but that movie resonates with me in so many ways.  There have been times that I've watched it five or more times in a week.  I can gague how I'm doing by how often I'm watching this movie. 

[If you haven’t seen it, or don’t remember much about it, I recommend you watch it.  If you do, this post (and possible future posts) will make much more sense if you do.]

Skip trough to the point that Eragon reaches the Vardan.
He is walking with Azihad through their community.

The people watch with sideways glances and avoid eye contact with him.

Eragon comments, “They’re afraid of me?”

Azihad replies, “Why wouldn’t they be?  There is no retreat from here, nowhere else to hide.  The suspicion has kept us alive all these years.  When word spread of a new dragon rider, we were expecting someone who was … more … what?  ”

“More than me” Eragon finishes.

That scene keeps replaying in my head.

In particular this phrase “They’re afraid of me…”    

“They’re afraid of me…”
Azihad’s response was basically “Of course they are!” 

I translate this to my son …
Last week I sent his birthday letter directly to his house with my full name and contact information.  He has not responded (yet).

“He’s afraid of me…”
“Why wouldn’t he be?  Until now you weren’t real.  You were ‘superstition,’ a speculation, a fantasy perhaps.  You were only imaginary.  Where can he go from here?  There is no where else to hide and this may destroy the image of you he’s already created.” 

"He's afraid of me..."



  1. I don't think that he's afraid of you ~ you as a person. I think he's afraid of many things. Afraid of hurting his ap's is probably at the top. Afraid of what role in his life you may want. Afraid of what role in your life he may want. Afraid of the feelings he has or may someday have for you. Afraid of anything that might change the way he has always thought of adoption before. Afraid of the unknown.

    I continue to send out lots of love and patient energy to you, as well as thoughts of an open heart to your son.

    1. thank you, susie ... I agree... especially fear of the unknown.

  2. I think the whole of society is afraid to know the amount of pain adoption caused. they are afraid of the reality while they didn't right the wrong.

  3. This comment has been removed by the author.

  4. I think society is quite content with pretending their 'version' of adoption involves no pain. But their version is so inaccurate, they SHOULD be afraid of how they embrace the lies and hold them tightly to their chest.
    You're so right about aadoption causing pain, and that it doesn't even righ a 'wrong'...
    thank you for responding - good ideas to consider!