About Cheerio

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In general I am a cheery and energetic person. But I am enshrouded in a cloak of iron. That cloak is the weight of greiving my son, whom I've lost to adoption.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Wishing You a Happy 17th Birthday

Happy 17th Birthday
His Birthdate: October 13, 1994
It was a Thursday, just as it is this year too.

It’s a gloomy day outside.  No sunshine, just periods of rain.  A reflection of my own soul.

We’ve had so much rain this year.  I hear my son loves the snow and winter sports, so I keep wondering how much snow all that rain would have translated into.

Yesterday was a really hard day. As I drove into work I realized that it was on a Wednesday so many years ago that I drove my boyfriend’s car into work.  He was away at college and we traded cars or a few weeks, since I wasn’t supposed to drive my car because it didn't have power steering.

A manager sent me home before noon.  He said I sounded uncomfortable and it was making him nervous.  I didn’t want to go home, what was I going to do at home by myself?  Alas Barry won and I drove back to my apartment where my kitten Monster Paws greeted me. 

Now what?  There was not much to do but jog up and down the 12 flights of stairs in the apartment building  - again!  Not really interested in the stairs, I continued working on the blanket I was crocheting for him.

He was due on the 3rd.  Sometimes I wonder if it was a physiological reason that he hadn’t come yet.  Maybe my mind didn’t want to “let go” of him, knowing the impending separation.

I don’t want to think about it anymore.  Someday I suppose I should write out all the details, but for now I’ll just cut it really short by saying I went to the hospital that night and he was born the next morning. 

I wish I could be retelling it like other new mommas – all beaming with joy and smiles.  I can’t.  My heart is heavy.  I miss him so much, I don’t know if mere words can fully express it.

Of my adoptee friends, so very many of them say that their birthday isn’t really a happy time for them either.  So I don't feel so bad that I'm not happy on his birthday.

I don’t know what you’re doing today, my son.

I do wish you happiness and cake with really yummy icing. 
I wish you to be surrounded by love. 
Most of all I wish, and I’m sorry if this is selfish, but I wish you could feel the love I have for you and know that I hope for a day that these birthday wishes weren’t merely whispered prayers on the breath of the cool October winds.

 my son


  1. I'm thinking of you on tis hard day. Happy 17th birthday to your son, I hope one day you can tell him in person.

    I think there is something psycholgical about going past the due date or having very long labors when you are giving up a child. I was in labor with my daughter (that I gave up) for 65 hours. My next child that I kept I had 2 years later and he was only 5 hours of labor. With my daughter I went 5 days past my due date and with my son I had him a day before his due date.

  2. thanks, Jeannette.

    It is only recently I considered physiological aspect. A friend was telling me about an event she went to where a pregnant woman was way past her due date. Her counselor told her that it was because she was afraid to bring the child into the world - for fear the child would experience the same trauma she had.
    And that got me to thinking, because taking a child from a mother is traumatic.

  3. Hugs and love to you on this birth day Cheerio! I also went overdue ~ 2 weeks ~ when pregnant with Christopher. I didn't mind at all, for at least he was still with me...

    I don't think your wish is selfish at all ~ I think he would probably be thrilled to know you are thinking of him and sending him your love.

  4. How strange... My daughter just didn't want to come at all. I was in labor and didn't feel a thing, except crabby.... they tried to use pit to give me hard labor - nothing - and I was due on Aug 20th - She was born by C-section (emergency - they broke my water after 5 days of pit) on Sep 15th. I was never so happy in my life... right after I threw up.

    Could it be that? Was I afraid? Or was she?