Tuesday, May 12, 2009
I feel the walls going up. I am tired. So much has gone on with my family the past few weeks relating to my two nephews, I am emotionally drained. The reunion with the oldest nephew, while it was oh, so good, it is also very triggering for me. I feel like I need to hide it - so it doesn't take away from the joy from the rest of my family. I’ve been reading and thinking about my son so much lately, and why? What good does it do; this ‘thinking of him?’ Chances of us ever having a meaningful relationship are so slim. Even if we do, there is nothing I can do about the past – not a thing. I feel helpless. I feel wounded so deep that nothing will ever be able to heal it. When I wrestled with the agency last year, I think they did some arm twisting behind the scenes to get a ‘new agreement’. Last year I was promised pictures "every April until he turns 18." April came and went this year and I tried to not get my hopes up. This morning as part of my early morning stroll, I walked down to the mailbox. As I thumbed through the mail on my way back to the house, I was actually surprised to find the envelope of pictures. I sat it aside, not really wanting to “go there” before work. I worked out in the garden a little before coming back in to get ready for work. As I was about to walk out the door, I paused and looked at the envelope. I decided to open it. Maybe some of the hostility from last year wore off. It was not just 4 pictures in an envelope, like last year. This year it was actually a few pages printed out with little 2” pictures and descriptions, and his school picture for the year. Most of the pictures were from their 2 week vacation traveling some of the western states. It's a shame the pictures were so tiny, and many pictureswere creased where the pages were folded. The last page had a nice size picture of him and his brother, without a fold across his face. He looks ... he looks so much like ... well, like us (me and his natural dad - my husband). I read over it quickly and put it back into the envelope – trying to not feel, trying to force myself to be indifferent. I mechanically get into my car and drive to work. I’m trying to just listen to the music and block out any other thoughts or feelings. The tears come anyway. The thoughts seep in. My heart gets heavier. I gave him away. Look at his family. Maybe he is better off without me?
walls going up