have you ever been ...

Today was a beautiful day. It was hot, just the way I like it; although, most normal people don’t. We were doing a little outdoor project for my Mom. My sister organized the project day to happen while Mom was at work. My hubby and I were helping my sis and her boyfriend. My nephew, whom I call him my buddy a lot, was there also. He helped by making sure that Sponge Bob episodes were not discontinued. At about 1:30 the others were not ready for lunch, but my buddy was hungry. I went inside to make him some lunch and decided that I’d have a sandwich with him. There was no way I was waiting another hour to eat. I made him a stacker sandwich. Two slices of Seltzer’s Sweet Lebanon Bologna, a slice of cheese, three slices of ham, and another slice of cheese on dry bread – no mayonnaise, no ketchup, no mustard, no butter, just plain old dry bread. Oh, and he had a handful of baby carrots to go with that. He ate all the carrots and I was beginning to wonder if he would eat the sandwich or not. At first he pulled off all the mean and cheese sticking out of the edges. But he eventually did tear into it. I was impressed; he actually ate the whole thing! I was already done with my sandwich and was just sitting with him while he was finishing his. The little black kitten was sitting on the chair with me. Out of the blue my buddy asks “Hey, Aunt Cheerio. Have you ever been pregnant?” It was not a question I was expecting at all. It seemed to be out of the blue. I couldn’t hide it. I could feel the muscles of my face pull as I tried to not cry. My eyes welled up with tears, and with an obvious pained look on my face I said to him, “Yes, I have.” I could not say another word. With just those few words my voice had cracked. I can still hear the sound of his response. “Ooh.” He sounded surprised. Which of course he would have been. He does not know about that dark part of my heart. He doesn’t know that somewhere out there he has another cousin. I hurriedly carried my plate over to the sink. By now a few tears slipped over the edge. My voice was still strained and broken, as I said to him, “Maybe we can talk about it another time.” My buddy finished his sandwich and brought his plate over to the sink. I gave him a hug and told him (as I do all the time), “Aunt Cheerio loves you buddy.” And I swear he hugged me tighter than he usually does. I wasn’t ready for this. What do I tell him? I can’t lie to him. I don’t want to lie to him. But how do I explain to an 8 year old boy, whom I cherish and love very much, that I didn’t keep my own baby? I actually talked to my sister last summer about my buddy knowing. If you follow my blog, you know that my sister has her own tragic story with her two oldest sons who were missing for 10 years. Here are two prior posts if you're new here ... Dec 18th, 2008 & 3 candles, 3 weeks, 3 days later At the time I talked to her, we had not found her two oldest sons. I was afraid that it would be too frightening for my buddy to know that his oldest brothers were missing, AND my son was missing. I was afraid that he would be frightened that someone would take him too. When I went back outside, I’m glad I had a hat on as I was working. I hoped it hid my face and tears. He’s always known about his brothers who were missing. I think he realizes that it was not my sister’s choice. He’s always known that she was searching and trying to find them. How could my buddy understand that my son was missing because I gave him away? There is no way to explain. I kept thinking that if I even tried to explain – my buddy would question my love for him too. Would he think that I would give him away too?

have you ever been . . .

pregnant ?

the walls of yesterday

My prior post … walls going up… I ended the post with “Look at his family. Maybe he is better off without me?” What was I thinking?!?! That is them talking! It is the nonsense and lies of the adoption industry rhetoric! I’m certain they would be patting themselves I the back if they’d read that. They’d be bragging to each other and saying “Well, we’ve worn down and silenced another one, boys.” Then they’d all high-five each other. Sick! Disgusting! Greed infested monsters! That is what they are. And they’re WRONG!!! They are just as wrong today as they were 15 years ago when they poisoned my mind with lies about what a child “needs and deserves.” It was a lie to say that my child deserved to be raised in a 2 parent home. Had I held onto his tiny little hand, that’s what my son would’ve had. Sure I might have remained unmarried for a little while, but his father always wanted to keep him. Not only would he have had a 2 parent home, he would have had THE BEST DAD IN THE WORLD! I’ve never told my husband how much it pained my heart when he proposed to me. Our son was born in October. On Christmas the same year my (then) boyfriend proposed. I still recall how it ached to look at the engagement ring. Only 2 months after our only child was born – then lost. The words inside me were wishing he had done this two months earlier, then we could’ve kept our son. I didn’t even realize it at the time, but the adoption wasn’t final until 3 months after he was born. Dang! I was engaged to his father before he was even “officially” adopted. That really hurts.

And those greedy liars did not care about that boy and his needs? They did not care about the lifelong pain of his parents! They cared about their wallet, their nice home, their power. They cared about meeting the DEMAND!

What a FOOL I was to spew on my own blog – their repulsive lies!

Mommas – Expectant Moms – your baby deserves YOU!!! Don’t believe the LIE that he/she will be better off with strangers! No! He/she is better off with you.

If adopted, their life might be nice, their life might be good, but their life will also be complicated without you. Pro-adoption people won’t tell you that his/her life will be MORE DIFFICULT and at times very painful without you. So the walls went up – for a little while.

I think I felt defeated when I saw the pics of my son. But it seems more like there was a lot of gunpowder poured down the barrel before the ball was rammed in, then BANG! I’m not confined anymore. I am NOT going to give up. And I am NOT going to SHUT up. I lost him to the monsters once. But I won’t lose him again to their heinous lies! Not while I’m still alive! ARD in July … http://adopteerightsphilly.blogspot.com/

Why am I going? I’m going to fight the work of these monsters. The monsters aren’t content with ripping families apart for a mere buck. They want to keep them separated forever. They are still interfering with the lives of those who are adopted even as adults. The monsters are discriminatingly blocking them from their very own birth records; blocking them from their very own heritage; blocking them from their own medical history; blocking them from even a chance to find answers. With my friends I will fight the monsters at the ARD … for their rights & for the rights of my son. These monsters, they might beat me to a pulp. They might trample me. They might slash away at me. I might be crippled, wounded, and weak – but beaten & bloodied I WILL GET BACK UP AND FACE THEM AGAIN. I am not better off without my son. And My SON is certainly NOT better off without me. If only one of the monster were here right now, I’d give it one swift kick to the head with my right heel! Who knows maybe two kicks or even three!

NOT better off without me

walls

I feel the walls going up. I am tired. So much has gone on with my family the past few weeks relating to my two nephews, I am emotionally drained. The reunion with the oldest nephew, while it was oh, so good, it is also very triggering for me. I feel like I need to hide it - so it doesn't take away from the joy from the rest of my family. I’ve been reading and thinking about my son so much lately, and why? What good does it do; this ‘thinking of him?’ Chances of us ever having a meaningful relationship are so slim. Even if we do, there is nothing I can do about the past – not a thing. I feel helpless. I feel wounded so deep that nothing will ever be able to heal it. When I wrestled with the agency last year, I think they did some arm twisting behind the scenes to get a ‘new agreement’. Last year I was promised pictures "every April until he turns 18." April came and went this year and I tried to not get my hopes up. This morning as part of my early morning stroll, I walked down to the mailbox. As I thumbed through the mail on my way back to the house, I was actually surprised to find the envelope of pictures. I sat it aside, not really wanting to “go there” before work. I worked out in the garden a little before coming back in to get ready for work. As I was about to walk out the door, I paused and looked at the envelope. I decided to open it. Maybe some of the hostility from last year wore off. It was not just 4 pictures in an envelope, like last year. This year it was actually a few pages printed out with little 2” pictures and descriptions, and his school picture for the year. Most of the pictures were from their 2 week vacation traveling some of the western states. It's a shame the pictures were so tiny, and many pictureswere creased where the pages were folded. The last page had a nice size picture of him and his brother, without a fold across his face. He looks ... he looks so much like ... well, like us (me and his natural dad - my husband). I read over it quickly and put it back into the envelope – trying to not feel, trying to force myself to be indifferent. I mechanically get into my car and drive to work. I’m trying to just listen to the music and block out any other thoughts or feelings. The tears come anyway. The thoughts seep in. My heart gets heavier. I gave him away. Look at his family. Maybe he is better off without me?

walls going up