They may not say it out loud; however, they really do consider themselves “knowledgeable.” They quickly become indignant if you even HINT that maybe there is more to adoption than they know.
Hmmmmmmm In a way I can’t fault them. After all, I guess I was one of those all-wise-about-adoption people. I knew what adoption was, and how wonderful it is, and would emphatically proclaim it as a win/win situation.
And yes, it is all that. It IS wonderful and it IS a win/win – IF, and I repeat IF I said it is wonderful IF you are on the RECEIVING END of adoption.
However, that only represents 1/3rd of the ‘story.’
Adoption is a TRIad, tri, meaning three….There are three viewpoints to consider. What about the Adoptee? What about the Natural Parent(s)? If a person is to be knowledgeable regarding adoption, then they need to search for the other 2/3’s of the adoption equation.
I apologize for the brief rant, but ignorance really is what prompted this post.
There is a multitude of stupid, insensitive, and flat out uneducated things people say when they find out I am a FirstMom. One of those things is “… someday he’ll find you…”
Now, I understand the motive and heart behind someone saying this to me, honestly I do. I realize that they are just trying to encourage or comfort me. So I usually keep that in mind, and put on a smile and nod my head.
But just because their intentions are to ‘do good’ does not mean the end result is what they intended. Those words are glowing of the rosy adoption rhetoric and are obviously void of reality.
Reality, as in real – life.
The realities in “…someday he’ll find you…”
While they may see me with a fake smile and nodding on the outside,
on the inside I’m blowing my stack and this is what I’m screaming at them. I’m screaming, “Oh, Someday?” And EXACTLY What am I supposed to do until then?!? An event 20 years in the future does not help me today, tomorrow, or the next day after that. I’ve lost MY CHILD!!! Your empty words of comfort are useless to me. An event 20 years down the road does not fill this empty aching void in my heart, in my very life!!!!!”
What? Do they think that it will “fix” my broken heart if I wake up every morning and say to myself, “Self, I feel sad, horrible even. But take heart in 20 years, maybe I won’t.” Then I walk away feeling happy.
I wish they could stop for a few seconds and think about how absatively ridiculous that even sounds. Yes, “absatively.” It’s both absolutely and positively ridiculous! Without a shred of doub!
Another thing I would be screaming is “Oh, really?
Please tell me where you got YOUR Crystal Ball? Oh, wait, maybe God told you this in a dream? Or or or or or a Prophet visited you with this divine message to give me?
So, I am supposed to limp along in life clinging to this notion that you have about how things are going to happen in MY LIFE? In the life of my son, who is a complete stranger to you? Get off your cute little adoption merry go round, you’re obviously dizzy from it!” But the thing that I would like to scream the loudest, the thing that I want to say the most is …
“and then what?” “AND THEN WHAT?!?!”
“If someday he does “find me” what are you expecting to happen next? Are you expecting the last page to read “… and they lived happily every after”? Then the book to closes on yet another lovely adoption fairytale story?”
Right, it’s Wala! adopted person meets natural family, they hug, cry a little and both go one their merry way with their lives feeling happy and fulfilled.
I don’t even know where to go from here. There is no way to bridge from that fairytale way of thinking to reality. They are just so, so, so, so far from each other. If you’re on the outside of adoption, looking in, I’m happy you are spared our pain and all the misunderstanding surrounding what our life is really like vs what the adoption professionals picture it to be. But I also want to challenge you to start trying to sidestep the adoption professionals. Search for blogs, posts, and websites written by adoptees and FirstMoms (bmom, birthmother, birthmom, natural mother) and see what this 2/3 have to say for themselves.