just can't sing it today

today is my son's birthday he is 14

and i just cannot muster up the inner strength to sing the little Happy Birthday tune i just can't do it That doesn't mean that I don't wish him to be happy that's the farthest thing from the truth but it just seems so hypocritical to wish him Happy Birthday while my heart is aching and my soul is filled with dark clouds clouds so thick and dark and heavy sometimes to the point I can't even see The Father

i went to work today no sense staying home, may as well be miserable at work and get paid for it i typically get my nails done over a lunch break, and just stay late that day. That's what I did today. I don't have TV at home, and the most TV i see is when i go to get my nails done every two weeks or so. well, today as my nails were drying, a soap was playing on abc...I don't even know the name of the soap, or any of the actors in it the scene was of a girl saying to her mother ... ' this baby is an important thing that happened to me, maybe the most important thing that will ever happen to me in my entire life...and I'm supposed to just walk away ?? ' i know i wasn't breathing - how poignant on my son's birthday, to be reminded that he was the most important event that ever happened in my own life, and i was foolish to walk away. that pause was immediately replaced with rage and intense anger to hear the words the mother replied to her ... you are very brave ... you are making a very brave and courageous decision... [to place baby for adoption]. You will be sad, very sad for awhile..." i was livid and furious inside!!! Disgusted that this lie keeps perpetuating. Sad??!!?? So, people think a woman/girl who loses a child is sad for awhile? No. No, that's not even within the same galaxy as the truth. The truth is that we are very sad ON THE GOOD DAYS. And no, it's NOT for awhile - it is for our entire life. Here I am 14 years later, willing to stand with others to challenge that 'sad for awhile' myth - why? because each year it gets harder and harder and harder and harder. And yet, the message that women "get over it" is still going strong. i was so intensely angry and frustrated. That was all balled up inside of me (i couldn't let i t out in a public place!), and i left there with a headache and was just so exhausted I could barely hold my head up to drive back to work Sickened disgusted and apalled how women who lose their babies to adoption are lied to about it. That it's made to seem insignificant and no big deal to lose her baby (for a 'good cause'). It would be more honest to tell an expectant mom that it would be EASIER to chop off her right arm, than lose her child to adoption. And yes, I say easier because at least then there would be some understanding and compassion from people around her. Yes, easier because a physical wound; although severe, it would heal. Losing a child to adoption never heals. i t n e v e r h e a l s don't try it - there is nothing anyone can say to prepare you for the nightmare ahead it honestly never heals never

original plog post date: 11/7/2008