Here is a challenge for you, if you like challenges and like to put on someone else's moccasins...
When you go home tonight walk quietly through your house as you reach for any doorknob, think about the tiny hands of your child who have reached for or opened that door oodles of times
When you flick on the light switch in a room, ponder how many times you've had to turn it off after your children were done playing in there
Silently walk to the bathroom and remember teaching your children how to brush their teeth, remember bathing them and washing their hair, letting them use the shower for the first time
Walk by the laundry room and stop to hear the whirring of the washer, the hum of the dryer as it's busily cleaning the kids' clothes
Look out the back window, and let your mind roll back to when they were 3, 7, 10, or 15 years old playing out there
Look out the front window and think of all the times you couldn't wait for them to walk in the door so you could surprise them with good news, or an unexpected birthday party
Quietly sit for a moment at the kitchen table, remembering the clanging breakfasts, the summertime lunches, or suppers of days gone by in your mind
Picture the highchair they used when they were just a baby take a moment to glance over the pictures that are sitting or hung for display -- pictures of your children, your family
Continue on your journey by walking up the stairs, taking each step slowly and tracing your fingers on the handrail as you go. Think of all the times your children ran down these stairs, or went bouncing up the steps giggling, laughing, racing each other
As you walk down the hallway toward their bedrooms, remember the times you had to clean ink or crayon off the walls
Sand in the doorway of the bedroom for each child just stand there and look around the room notice how their personality is evident by the colors and how tidy everything is or isn't
Imagine the last time you peeked in on them while they were sleeping, a smile most likely appeared on your face
Now, here comes the challenge part ...
pick one Pick one of your children
- whether it's the oldest, youngest, or one of the ones in between, and imagine him or her gone
-try to replay all those prior memories before standing in the doorway of his / her bedroom without their face, without their smile, without their laughter and singing of silly songs
-no toys to pick up, no tiny socks to wash, no cute little shirts to fold
-no stuffed animal, no playhouse, no matchbox car, no tonka truck
-their bed isn't empty because they wouldn't even have a bedroom there, even you know it should be
Would you be sad?
Would your heart hurt?
Would you ache to have your child again?
to hold him/her in your arms, watch him/her sleeping, long to hear their voice call out to you ... "mommy"
You can't imagine it, can you?
I wish I could be in your shoes for me it isn't imagery, it's reality living life after losing a child to adoption, is hollow and there is an empty spot forever in our hearts and in our homes