About Cheerio

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In general I am a cheery and energetic person. But I am enshrouded in a cloak of iron. That cloak is the weight of greiving my son, whom I've lost to adoption.

Monday, December 29, 2008

Talked Into adoption?

I want to expand on a comment someone made. This post is not intended in any way to be an attack against the other FirstMom who made the comment. We all have our own feelings and opinions at various stages in our own journey. Instead the comment really is a great opportunity for me to try answering the “why” question – that people have asked me. Here is the comment that got my mind cranking along. "Unlike many women, and you apparently, I really was NOT 'talked into' placing my birthson for adoption. It was really my idea, does that make me a bad person? " There are at least two parts to the Cheerio story. Part I: The early Cheerio days. Part II: Cheerio awakens from the spell. Sometimes Knowledge is not the same as Truth. It is only our perception of things as we know them at that time. Unlike ‘Truth’ our perceptions may change as we change, grow, learn, and mature. I was not talked into or “coerced” into adoption the way many other expectant moms were. However, there are two vital things from my adoption experience that I MUST talk about - because it is part of my story. #1.) I THOUGHT (bold, highlight, italicize, underline – don’t miss that emphasis...) i THOUGHT adoption was my idea too. But it wasn't really. Before I even got the 'positive' results back from the pregnancy test, my mind was made up that my baby would be adopted. Reality and logic forces me to ask myself ... where did THAT idea come from? Was it really from deep inside of me? Did it come from God in a dream? Was it Fate? Where did this idea originate? Where did it really come from? I didn't think about adoption all on my own. Someone else did. Someone else with a lot of money and perfected marketing skills. Someone else who wanted my baby for their own gain. A gianormous industry wanted to rake in some dough. Again, reason and logic must ask - where did I get this idea? Some answers only come from hindsight. And that is the case here. It came from a seed that was planted in my mind years and years and years ago. That seed was just laying there waiting for the conditions to be just right, then it germinated and immediately too root in my mind. When I was a very impressionable pre-teen ... I was sucked into the pro-life agenda. The pro-life agenda has adoption entwined in its very existence. Adoption is not about pro-life, vs., pro-choice -- not abortion vs. life; HOWEVER, the adoption industry has taken pro-life under its wings as its personal means to continue making their profit. A Profit. To them it is not a life, it is a profit! When I was a good little teen girl, a seed was planted in my head that ADOPTION IS THE ANSWER to an unplanned pregnancy. That could also be read as adoption is THE ONLY ANSWER, meaning that any other choice is wrong - wrong - wrong - wrong. That doesn't leave very much room for thinking or even considering anything OTHER THAN ADOPTION. And THAT is my Problem with the Pro-Life Agenda... it is in bed with the Adoption Industry. So, according to reason and logic, no, Adoption was not my idea, even though 15 years ago, I firmly believed it was. It was part of the master marketing plan. If I was not sold on the pro-life adoption is THE RIGHT CHOICE, when I was a teen...Where would my son be right now? What happened when I was pregnant was that I KNEW (cough, cough, cough - hairball) adoption was THE RIGHT ANSWER to my "problem." But you know what... I did not even realize at the time WHAT my problem was. I thought my problem was being pregnant and unmarried. However, my problem was the overwhelming fear that history was doomed to repeat itself. That my child would grow up like I did. That he would grow up without the protection of good father. And that leads me to the second thing. #2.) While I was already sold on the adoption ideology. The second vital thing I must say in all of this is that yes, I was still manipulated, because of what the adoption agency DID NOT say. Lying by omission is a very real thing. They did not help me see my real problem, and overcome it so my family could stay together. They were too greedy. They did NOT WANT me to see that I could overcome my childhood. They did NOT WANT me to see that I could parent my child. They did NOT WANT me to see that I could have afforded it. They did NOT WANT me to see how much the FATHER of my child WANTED to parent. And he did. He wanted us to keep his son, our son. Instead they emphasized how shot-gun weddings don’t last. If they were really ‘christains’ as they claimed, they would have encouraged keeping the family together and counseling to help us through. The father and I have been married now for over 12 years. We’ve lost our only child. The last part of the comment quoted at the beginning of this post “…does that make me a bad person?” No! No! No! A Thousand times no. In fact the adoption industry preys on the ‘goodness’ of women. The BAD People are the unethical adoption professionals. They match an expectant mom with a couple as early in her pregnancy so that the “goodness” in the emom will override her own needs. They depend on her feeling sorry for the couple, that her compassion would want THEM to be happy… to not want to disappoint THEM by her changing her mind. They emphasize by disproportionately talking about the financial needs of the child. The child deserves more than she can provide. They do not mention that finances are temporary and that she has resources available to help her and her baby. Real life, there are no guarantees. Aparents lose their jobs, or make poor financial choices too. They emphasize by disproportionately pointing to their two parent PotentialAParents. They tout and talk about the “perfect couple.” Reality check – the only perfect couple does not exist, unless they are dead. As long a humans are breathing and living, they are IMPERFECT. But adoption professionals help her find the perfect couple, eroding her own confidence and making her feel ridiculous for even THINKING she should parent her own child. With all their claims about doing what is best for the child, it should raise red flags that they never mention any risks to the adopted child. Risks like abandonment issues, low self esteem, feeling responsible for fixing other people’s problems, lacking self-worth, struggle maintaining relationships. They claim what is in best interest of the child, but AParents are still so uneducated to the specific needs of the adopted child. They don't realize what a huge loss it is for the child who has lost their natural family. I could go on and on and on listing the known and expertly used tactics. But I think you get the point now. Those tactics were only used on Cheerio as backup reinforcements, because Cheerio was already brainwashed (at that time). And that is why I am here. That is why I write – to help people realize that our society is PRECONDIDITONED into thinking certain things about adoption, even though those things are not true. If you are not a firstmom or an adoptee – I challenge you to start to research adoption on your own. Walk away from the Hallmark channel. Stop listening to the pro-lifers who claim that adoption saves a life. Don’t listen to the religious distortion of the Holy Bible. Search it for yourself. Find out just how much money is made by ‘legal baby selling.’ Look into the funding by adoption professionals to the lawmakers. Check into how unregulated the adoption industry is. The answers are all there … are you willing to take off the rose colored glasses to see it? Or are you already “talked into adoption”?

5 comments:

  1. Yay! you read my comment. I was beginning to worry that I would never get a reaction!;)

    Alot of what you say makes sense.
    Personally, the way that I learned about adoption was through a personal friendship with an older women.
    She is a mother to two children and she placed her third daughter for adoption.
    I keep in occasional contact with her and know that she still sees her daughter a lot, like once or twice a week or month, whenever she wants. She is very happy with her situation.

    She is the reason that I decided to go ahead with placing my own birthson. When I found out I was pregnant my first thought was of her.

    Yes, I was very aware of 'pro-life' and all.
    I think it may have somehow planted a seed in my mind years and years before I had to make the decision to place or parent my birthson.

    I know I could have parented, even the counselor I had at the adoption agency I went through gave me info on single parenting and highly highly encouraged the option of parenting for myself and the birthfather.

    I know the adoption industry is not all good things. I know a lot of bad things happen because money is involved. I think the counselor stopped working at the agency that I went through maybe because they found out she was advocating parenting???

    The offical story is that she when back to being a counselor for children at the hosiptal.

    I was never told to 'do whats best for the child'
    Even the day I gave birth the counselor was congratulating me on being a new mother. Even then they were challenging me to parent, NOT to place!! This made me even surer that being with the adoptive parents was the right thing. Even though I didn't really get to know them at all during the short time that I met them before I gave birth (about six week before).

    I was sure because I was sure I had had dreams about them years ago. Long before I ever thought I could be pregnant. I am a little bit psychic.
    I usually dream about all the important people in my life before I meet them.

    Also, I had my birthson as an adult who is employed and understands what life costs.
    Maybe that makes a difference to my situation and others.

    I totally love how you are totally straight with your opinion. Don't hold back girl, give it to me!!

    I comment to provoke responses like the one above.
    Thanks again for reading what I wrote.

    BTW: I wrote 'talked into adoption' because I wasn't sure how to spell 'coerced' :))

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  2. Hi Cheerio...

    Interesting post. And I agree with you.

    From the way I see it... young mothers are 'talked into adoption' BEFORE they even become pregnant because of the way the media and society gears it. You don't see poitive images of young mothers raising their own children, movies are not made into blockbusters with stories of how young grils fight all odds to become the mothers they are meant to be. No, all young girls, women etc are bombarded almost daily with the message that if you get pregnant outside of a realtionship you either get an abortion or you adopt your child out. When I discovered I was pregnant, my options of what I could do were given to me in this order: abort, place or raise. Raising my OWN child was given to me as a LAST resort not first and this is sick. And this as in New Zealand, not the US so it shows the view the US holds has permeated all Western countries.

    So a person can say they were "not talked into" placing their adoption but you see, they are from the very moment they know they are expecting. Adoption is there, waiting. If it was percieved as acceptable to raise one's own child regardless of the circumstances, then adoption wouldn't be so prevalent but the way young mothers are portrayed means they lose from the start if they don't have support (and really strong support) from the beginning. So coercion these days starts before a young girl is pregnant. And it is more manipulative as they don't even realise that the choice they have supposedly made for them was already pre-empted by society. Its actually pretty scary and really sad.

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  3. Wow...I could have written this post word for word. I bet we even had the same "Christian" agency. Thanks for writing and sharing the truth that adoption is not all roses and sunshine.

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  4. This is the beauty about living in South Africa.It's in our African blood that a child is raised by the village-even when we live in the city.If a teen falls pregnant, it's a given (in the black race, not so sure about whites and coloureds) that the grandmother will help.Adoption is NEVER an option.Yes, newborns are foind in garbage bins, but that happens in the US too,so it's not like adoption advertising would make a big difference.For once, I'm proud of my culture and it's traditions.

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  5. I'm so so sorry that you went through this Cheerio :(

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