There are a lot of preconceived notions about adoption.
It is amazing how often people who are not personally involved with adoption freely give their opinions on the subject.
They may not say it out loud; however, they really do consider themselves “knowledgeable.” They quickly become indignant if you even HINT that maybe there is more to adoption than they know.
Hmmmmmmm In a way I can’t fault them. After all, I guess I was one of those all-wise-about-adoption people. I knew what adoption was, and how wonderful it is, and would emphatically proclaim it as a win/win situation.
And yes, it is all that. It IS wonderful and it IS a win/win – IF, and I repeat IF I said it is wonderful IF you are on the RECEIVING END of adoption.
However, that only represents 1/3rd of the ‘story.’
Adoption is a TRIad, tri, meaning three….There are three viewpoints to consider. What about the Adoptee? What about the Natural Parent(s)? If a person is to be knowledgeable regarding adoption, then they need to search for the other 2/3’s of the adoption equation.
I apologize for the brief rant, but ignorance really is what prompted this post.
There is a multitude of stupid, insensitive, and flat out uneducated things people say when they find out I am a FirstMom. One of those things is “… someday he’ll find you…”
Now, I understand the motive and heart behind someone saying this to me, honestly I do. I realize that they are just trying to encourage or comfort me. So I usually keep that in mind, and put on a smile and nod my head.
But just because their intentions are to ‘do good’ does not mean the end result is what they intended. Those words are glowing of the rosy adoption rhetoric and are obviously void of reality.
Reality, as in real – life.
The realities in “…someday he’ll find you…”
While they may see me with a fake smile and nodding on the outside,
on the inside I’m blowing my stack and this is what I’m screaming at them.
I’m screaming, “Oh, Someday?” And EXACTLY What am I supposed to do until then?!? An event 20 years in the future does not help me today, tomorrow, or the next day after that. I’ve lost MY CHILD!!! Your empty words of comfort are useless to me. An event 20 years down the road does not fill this empty aching void in my heart, in my very life!!!!!”
What? Do they think that it will “fix” my broken heart if I wake up every morning and say to myself, “Self, I feel sad, horrible even. But take heart in 20 years, maybe I won’t.” Then I walk away feeling happy.
I wish they could stop for a few seconds and think about how absatively ridiculous that even sounds. Yes, “absatively.” It’s both absolutely and positively ridiculous! Without a shred of doub!
Another thing I would be screaming is “Oh, really?
Please tell me where you got YOUR Crystal Ball? Oh, wait, maybe God told you this in a dream? Or or or or or a Prophet visited you with this divine message to give me?
So, I am supposed to limp along in life clinging to this notion that you have about how things are going to happen in MY LIFE? In the life of my son, who is a complete stranger to you? Get off your cute little adoption merry go round, you’re obviously dizzy from it!” But the thing that I would like to scream the loudest, the thing that I want to say the most is …
“and then what?” “AND THEN WHAT?!?!”
“If someday he does “find me” what are you expecting to happen next? Are you expecting the last page to read “… and they lived happily every after”? Then the book to closes on yet another lovely adoption fairytale story?”
They may not say it out loud; however, they really do consider themselves “knowledgeable.” They quickly become indignant if you even HINT that maybe there is more to adoption than they know.
Hmmmmmmm In a way I can’t fault them. After all, I guess I was one of those all-wise-about-adoption people. I knew what adoption was, and how wonderful it is, and would emphatically proclaim it as a win/win situation.
And yes, it is all that. It IS wonderful and it IS a win/win – IF, and I repeat IF I said it is wonderful IF you are on the RECEIVING END of adoption.
However, that only represents 1/3rd of the ‘story.’
Adoption is a TRIad, tri, meaning three….There are three viewpoints to consider. What about the Adoptee? What about the Natural Parent(s)? If a person is to be knowledgeable regarding adoption, then they need to search for the other 2/3’s of the adoption equation.
I apologize for the brief rant, but ignorance really is what prompted this post.
There is a multitude of stupid, insensitive, and flat out uneducated things people say when they find out I am a FirstMom. One of those things is “… someday he’ll find you…”
Now, I understand the motive and heart behind someone saying this to me, honestly I do. I realize that they are just trying to encourage or comfort me. So I usually keep that in mind, and put on a smile and nod my head.
But just because their intentions are to ‘do good’ does not mean the end result is what they intended. Those words are glowing of the rosy adoption rhetoric and are obviously void of reality.
Reality, as in real – life.
The realities in “…someday he’ll find you…”
While they may see me with a fake smile and nodding on the outside,
on the inside I’m blowing my stack and this is what I’m screaming at them.
I’m screaming, “Oh, Someday?” And EXACTLY What am I supposed to do until then?!? An event 20 years in the future does not help me today, tomorrow, or the next day after that. I’ve lost MY CHILD!!! Your empty words of comfort are useless to me. An event 20 years down the road does not fill this empty aching void in my heart, in my very life!!!!!”
What? Do they think that it will “fix” my broken heart if I wake up every morning and say to myself, “Self, I feel sad, horrible even. But take heart in 20 years, maybe I won’t.” Then I walk away feeling happy.
I wish they could stop for a few seconds and think about how absatively ridiculous that even sounds. Yes, “absatively.” It’s both absolutely and positively ridiculous! Without a shred of doub!
Another thing I would be screaming is “Oh, really?
Please tell me where you got YOUR Crystal Ball? Oh, wait, maybe God told you this in a dream? Or or or or or a Prophet visited you with this divine message to give me?
So, I am supposed to limp along in life clinging to this notion that you have about how things are going to happen in MY LIFE? In the life of my son, who is a complete stranger to you? Get off your cute little adoption merry go round, you’re obviously dizzy from it!” But the thing that I would like to scream the loudest, the thing that I want to say the most is …
“and then what?” “AND THEN WHAT?!?!”
“If someday he does “find me” what are you expecting to happen next? Are you expecting the last page to read “… and they lived happily every after”? Then the book to closes on yet another lovely adoption fairytale story?”
That is what people believe – fairytales.
That wala! Adopted person meets natural family and everything from the past suddenly heals – Oh, wait…. Society doesn’t think there IS anything from that past that needs healed.Right, it’s Wala! adopted person meets natural family, they hug, cry a little and both go one their merry way with their lives feeling happy and fulfilled.
I don’t even know where to go from here. There is no way to bridge from that fairytale way of thinking to reality. They are just so, so, so, so far from each other. If you’re on the outside of adoption, looking in, I’m happy you are spared our pain and all the misunderstanding surrounding what our life is really like vs what the adoption professionals picture it to be. But I also want to challenge you to start trying to sidestep the adoption professionals. Search for blogs, posts, and websites written by adoptees and FirstMoms (bmom, birthmother, birthmom, natural mother) and see what this 2/3 have to say for themselves.
If you’re ‘guilty’ of saying “…someday he’ll find you…” find Adoptee or FirstMom blogs and read their real to life accounts and experiences on the subject of reunion. Read about the obstacles an adoptee faces to even consider a reunion. Read about the emotions that seem to come out of nowhere like a train charging right at them. Read about the fear of rejection. Read about the rejection of either side when it happens.
Stop being part of the “1/3 majority” when you hear about adoption. Understand the emptiness of “…someday he’ll find you…” and instead offer real words of comfort, like “I am sorry for your loss, it’s a painful thing to lose a child – or – it’s a painful thing to lose a natural parent.”
some day ...
What a crock! Maybe someday he will find you. Oh please give me a break. The adoption industry does everything it can to make sure he can't find you. Ignorance never ceases to amaze me. Never.
ReplyDeletethis is why open adoption is better for everyone involved in adoption. It reconizies the losses and deal with them as they are experienced. It doesn't cancel them or even dimish them. I just think it is better to be in contact, in whatever way possible than wait and nurse my grief.
ReplyDeleteI really wish that open adoption was the only option in most adoptions. I know that my birthson will never have to come 'find me someday' because I know where he is and his parents know where I am. As soon as my birthson can understand where I live he will know that as well.
I really wish that you could know your child now.
My heart aches for you that you are so cut off from the life you gave birth too.
Reunion is hard for people who were adopted because if they get to know where they really came from they have to reform their sense of idenity. Can you imagine thinking about yourself a certain way for all your life and then suddenly you have to change that way of thinking?
Thats something I never want my birthson to go through. I hope that your childs adoptive parents have some knowledge of you and impart it to your child. I think its just cruel that so many adoptive parents completely discount the biology that makes their children who they are.
There is so much evidence to show that people need to know why they are the way they are.
I myself cannot imagine not knowing that.
Yes, the comments from those who are not involved are frustrating, to say the least. Oh, but they always happen to know a grateful adoptee or perfect adoptive parents. That makes them an expert (not).
ReplyDelete"Oh, but they always happen to know a grateful adoptee or perfect adoptive parents."
ReplyDeleteOh yes, hell yes.
My friend N once said to me "You really need to get over it and just accept that you'll always be a bit foreign to the culture. Stop trying to reclaim what you lost; you'll never fully have it in the way you would have had it if you had stayed."
And I said "That's easy for you to say."
And then she's like "I know another adoptee and he accepts his situation. He'd probably feel the same way."
Translation: I know another adoptee who would agree with me, so why can't you just cooperate with what I'm saying? After all, you're both adoptees!
I don't know if I'll get stoned for saying this or not ... but
ReplyDeleteI wish Open Adoptions were NOT an option.
I wish the only option available was closed, until the adoptee turns 18, then they have full access to their records.
I say that because Open Adoption has become the lure to make the sale.
The number of avaialable babies was decreasingk so the adoption industry had to find a way to meet demand. Open Adoption did that for them.
Adoption professionals say things like "adoptons aren't like what they used to be..." & "...you can keep in contact with your child..." & "...you can get updates about your child..." etc, etc, etc.
But what they DON'T tell you is that Open Adoptions are not legally enforceable! There are a handfull of states that open adoptions are a "legal" contract. However even in those states, no one wants to represent the firstmom AGAINST the aparents. So, even for a firstmom to file a claim, all the aparents have to do is say "it's not in best interst of the child to ..." then SLAM the gavel pounds down as the judge sides w/ the aparents and firstmom loses anyway.
80% -
- E I G H T Y Percent
that's not eight, it's EIGHTY percent of open adoptions close within a few years.
That sure doesn't sound very successful to me.
Translate that into day to day life.
What if 80% of all cars had the breaklines go
out?
What if 80% of the planes that took off crashed before reaching their destination?
What if 80% of our meds had sinanide in them?
What if 80% of of the teachers at schools were pedophiles?
80% is an outrageous number. Outrageous.
and yet they say how Good Open Adoptions are. Someone is lying, because 80% failure rate does not sound good to me.
So I really can't buy into how wonderful Open Adoption is.
It's great, maybe if you're in the 20%.
So, back to my theory about Open Adoptions ...I would like to see that option banned (IT Obviously is not successfull as it is now anyway!)
I'd like to see it banned because it would force expectant moms to think about it more carefully.
If emoms knew they would not see or know anything about their child for at least 18 years, they wouldn't be so quick to sign papers.
Instead emoms would be forced to weigh out if adoption was ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY.
An emom could no longer have her cake and eat it too - meaning she could no longer think that adoption would allow her to get out of the responsibility of parenting, yet stell be involved in her child's life. Closed Adoption would blow away the almost 'co-parenting' dream/feeling emoms might have.
It really is too early to find out if Open Adoption is better for the child.
Speaking of the child... not only would I like to see Open Adoption go away, I think it is imperative that the adopted child become part of the discussion before any paperwork is signed.
13 years later, and the director at my local adoption agency - he still would not talk about effects of adoption on the child.
We need to start to learn about the affects adoption has on them too. And we need to hear it from adoptees - NOT from aparents or adoption professionals. NO, NOT from the '1/3 majority' from the ones on the receiving end.
It is disgusting how the adoption decision is made with input from only the adults. And the risks and know issues that an adopted person deals with is totally ignored, silent, missing from the discussion.
Adoption is just overused, and it affects the kids (who do become adults) in ways that people just dont want to talk about or hear.
"It doesn't cancel them or even dimish them. I just think it is better to be in contact, in whatever way possible than wait and nurse my grief."
ReplyDeleteTo be honest, in some ways I think it would be worse because then the grief is brought back up to the surface every time you see "your" child but can't quite be with him/her.
Amyadoptee, I've been trying to find you - would you send me an e-mail? need your help / insight, please.
ReplyDeletecheereio.
I received an e-mail from an adoptee. I asked permission to paste the e-mail comments here, because this is the perspective people need to hear.
ReplyDeleteI have changed only the place where location was mentioned, to try to keep the author anonymous.
_____
Hi Cheerio,
“…It IS wonderful and it IS a win/win – IF, and I repeat IF
I said it is wonderful IF you are on the RECEIVING END of adoption.”
That should be put on every single pamplet given to prospective parents and adult adoptees should spread that around.
Why don't people realize this?
“…It is amazing how often people who are not personally involved with adoption freely give their opinions on the subject.”
Yes... yes, I know what you mean. My friends did the exact same thing. They said it was perfectly understandable that I would want to seek out my heritage, but when I put up an excerpt about how much I had lost after all these years because of adoption... the red flags went up and I got stuff like:
"You decide who you are... not your DNA or your blood."
"You said your birthmother wanted to see you, and the thing is, is that it IS a good thing."
"You think you are the only one who has ever lost something? Have you not considered how people feel about things they have lost - like family members, siblings, friends? Or those who go through divorce? Don't you think they wonder what their lives would have been like had their parents not divorced?"
I know they only say these things out of ignorance, because what they see is what they perceive, no more no less. They do not see me as a girl who lost her original family and language - they see me as a fellow citizen who is trying to be both current nationality and Chinese -- and regaining the acceptance of people who merely share my blood. They see me as the "real" daughter of my adoptive mom because she is the one raised me. And they see my adoption as something that had to happen because - to quote my friend - "if you had not been adopted, God only knows what would have happened to you."
And yes, she does know my mother's relinquishment circumstance. Sigh.
“…But just because their intentions are to ‘do good’ does not mean the end result is what they intended. Those words are glowing of the rosy adoption rhetoric and are obviously void of reality.”
Exactly. It's like when my friend says "Well at least you can go back NOW. At least your mother wants to see you NOW. At least you can learn your culture/language NOW."
And I want to say "Sure, those opportunities are great NOW, and I'm appreciative of them NOW, but saying that all these things which are meant to "help" me reclaim who I was born as isn't going to give me back those years. There are consequences which people do not acknowledge, and by saying that NOW is better than any and all possibilities of the past, it indicates that people don't WANT to accept there are ramifications."
“…Adopted person meets natural family and everything from the past suddenly heals …”
Yes, that is what my friends and neighbours think. They think that me being able to see a whole bunch of pictures "makes up" for everything. They think that it's wonderful that I can go back - oh sure it is, no doubt - but what doesn't occur to them is that I will be facing my own history - the history that I was born with and disconnected to.
Great post... mirrors my feelings exactly. I am so sick of people saying this "at least one day she will come search you out and you can tell her what happened" or "oh wow, so you get to see her? Aren't you lucky!" Like seeing my daughter call someone else "Mummy" is lucky. Ohhh.... it makes my blood boil.
ReplyDeleteAs for open adoption, it isn't any different to closed adoption in that a separation still takes place but now you have to watch your own child become a different person to the one you felt growing inside you and you can see the pain in their eyes for real so yes, I hate open adoption as well but lets not just get rid of open adoption, all adoption should be shut down. Really we are not so uncreative that we cannot find a new way to create stability for children who need care outside their first families without erasing their past, families and cultures? Where there is a will, there is always a way...
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ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteGreat post. It is good to be connected in - I just joined. I think no one but other birth- or first- mothers can ever begin to understand the pain. There is a lot of joy in my life now - I had a reunion (9 years ago) and my son moved to my town 2 years ago but it does not erase what I have been through. It is fabulous now but I know they don't all go this way. And I just forgave myself last year... it is certainly a forever thing.
ReplyDeleteThanks for stopping by my blog. I am so sorry for your loss. I was lucky to be adopted by two loving parents, but I have always wondered and dreamed about my first mother. I hope that I get the chance to meet her and tell her all that is in my heart. I also hope you get the chance to have that reunion with your precious son.
ReplyDeleteCheerio,
ReplyDeleteAfter the chatting we have done today, I thought you may find it ironic that I sent my son's a-mom an e-mail on Sunday and giving her the link to your blog. I sent it along with words somewhat to the effect of 'read this and realize I am not a freak or crazy, just a mom dealing with the loss of my son, loss is loss and pain is pain, no matter who you end up with it." Thank you for allowing me to steal your words. I can only hope she actually read your words, but I id notice that someone from Ottawa Ontario stopped by your blog not long after I sent it to her so fingers crossed it was her.
Thanks again,
Denise
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ReplyDeleteI don't understand why so many of you do not like Open Adoption. I honestly don't believe the stats you quoted. They are based on REPORTED findings. It is likely that the people who have good relationship within an Open adoption do not report them because they are too busy being in relationship with each other. What you all say makes me feel like a criminal for deciding what I did for my birthson. The times I have spent with him in the last three years I have seen him seem very very happy. In every picture I see, he looks like he is laughing. One of the reasons I placed is because I knew many single moms who became what I think of as 'black holes'. They are women who constantly need assistance. I also made my decision knowing many people who grew up in homes where everything was a struggle. I believe that that kind of life was not something I wanted to burden my birthson with. That he deserved a chance to really succeed in life with all the means that it takes. A good life often takes not only good finances, but good community and lasting support. As much as I wished I could be the one to help him succeed in life. I logically came to the conclusion myself that finding good people, people that had everything I wish I had, (strong families, many good friends, as well as responsible finances) where probably the best thing I could do for my son.
ReplyDeleteAdoption should be focused on the child. Open adoption focuses on the fact that everyone needs to know where they came from. I confess I had much more confidence in Open Adoption before I placed than I do now. I had an example that I thought was probably the rule. A friend who is an older women (could almost be my moms age) who placed her third child, I know for a fact she sees this child as much as she wants. I don't know if that will be good for the child or bad, but it can't be bad to have more people love you!! Open Adoption is not co-parenting. It is not having your cake and eating it too. I personally have no say in the choices that my birthsons adoptive parents make. I only know I choose them because I felt very strongly that they would be the ones that could give my birthson things I couldn't possibly give.
I personally don't think adoption is bad. What is so wrong about people wanting to love and parent someone who needs them? I know many adoptive parents do so out of selfishness. We are all human. I am guessing almost every birthmom knows that she made a bad move in getting pregnant when she didn't mean too.
I think it would really be good for every birthmom to know their child. Even if they are not the ones parenting. I think it helped my greif very very much to know how loved my birthson is. For me it would be torture to think that maybe my birthson is not ok. It really troubles me to read about adopted persons feeling so hurt. I really hope that my birthson never feels that I meant him any harm, because I really didn't. I think maybe that the adopted persons who speak out about their hurt feelings may have been happier had they known their birthfamilies throughout their lives.
I know Adoption is a last resort. Personally I DID try other options. I DID apply for social assitance. I decided against doing all that because I didn't want my birthson to grow up feeling the like he was a burden that I had to struggle everyday to survive. I love him too much to do that to him. Learning about how adopted persons really dislike that they were adopted makes me feel afraid that all the love I feel will be percieved as all the negative things they say. I know I can't go back in time and change anything I choose for my birthson. I know I will just have to live with the consiquences. If my birthson(in 15 year) wants to be angry at me, at least he will have a real person to be angry with. I really believe that the adoptive parents of my birthson just had and have extra love in their hearts. They are human, they were not trying to hurt someone like me in adopting a child. Don't you wish that you could have had an Open Adoption just a little bit???
Did you really choose to have no contact on purpose??? I am trying to understand you. You really facinate me.
I believe everyone is entitled to their own opinions and I respect that. I agree to disagree. I am going to limit my comment to 3 things:
ReplyDelete#1. Problem w/ society view on adoption is exactly what you stated - you & they don't want to believe the stats. Yet you haven't spent years in the adoption circle or researching it.
How many forums have you been on related to adoption? pick one, almost anyone and on an active forum you will find weekly - almost daily firstmoms who have the door slammed in their faces. Not just slammed shut, but WITHOUT ANY EXPLANATION OF WHY.
You hang out and read there for a couple years, and you'll find out that the stats you now 'believe' without research - are rare, not the norm.
Why would you just throw aside information that women have gathered and researched for years - without investing your time to research it for yourself?
#2. Do you realize most of the replies here are from adoptees. Not all adoptees are happy about adoption. That is not discussed w/ the expectant mom - that is not only bad, it is wrong.
#3. If your chid is only 3 yrs old, you're still new in this journey. And yet you response is to downplay the thoughts, feelings, experiences of people who have been on this journey for 10, 20, 30 years or more?
Some people who have been "living with adoption" longer than you have even been alive.
---
I will never tell another firstmom if she was "wrong". It is NOT ABOUT RIGHT OR WRONG. It is already done.
To me, after the fact it is about support - and one way I show support is to admit where I made mistakes and help others avoid making the same mistake in her life / family.
cindy: There is something you should try to understand.
ReplyDeleteYou say: "For me it would be torture to think that maybe my birthson is not ok. It really troubles me to read about adopted persons feeling so hurt. I really hope that my birthson never feels that I meant him any harm, because I really didn't."
I'm sure you gave him up because you thought you were giving him "better" parents, a "better" home and "better" life, right? I'm sure your intentions were honest and from the bottom of your heart - just like some APs out there, whose intentions don't *mean* any harm.
Intentions and impact are different things, though. My mother didn't "intend" to hurt me by raising a sibling after I was born - it was to heal her own pain. But the impact is that now I have been 'replaced.' Did she MEAN for me to feel that way, was that her intention? NO!! She just wanted another child to love. But the IMPACT is what hurt me - the realization that she STILL had another child after me.
Her intentions were honest, true, and from the heart - but the impact was totally different.
I never meant to downplay others emotions. I just really wish that they didn't feel so hurt by adoption. I realize that have only been a part of adoption for a short time. I just think that I'm missing something that would make what they say make sense. I have been on three different adoption forum for the past year.
ReplyDeleteSome part of me wonders what percentage of total people involved in adoption would post on a forum. Even though many people are into going on forums and all, not everyone is. I have personally read many articles about the benefits of open adoption. I have gone to two conferences where there were teenage adopted persons who had a very good opinion of open adoption even though they said it was hard, they also said it was worth it to know where they came from and be able to ask questions at any stage. Also I have read about a dozen books detailing both closed and open adoptions. The stories I have read about open adoption have many postive things to say from personal experience of the adopted persons, even though they are mostly the stories of school age children.
I understand what you are trying to tell me. You are right about the fact that I had no idea that adopted persons would be unhappy about being adopted. The social worker at the agency I when through to place my birthson is an adopted person. She told us her story and seemed very honest in the fact that she was glad she was adopted. I now know that adopted persons may hide their true feelings. It really makes me want to somehow make it all better for them. I am trying to learn about adoption. For me it seems that I thirst for knowledge about it, I can't get enough. I understand that everyone needs support. I know that if I ever knew a woman who was thinking about adoption for her unborn child, I would probably advise against it.
I am sorry if I said anything stupid, I didn't mean to.
Cindy, your feelings about adoption will likely change over the years, in ways that are difficult to predict. That's the nature of the beast.
ReplyDeleteI think the problem with open adoption is that is has been used as a carrot to lure women into surrendering. I don't like any so-called improvements to adoption that are really based on ulterior motives.
Improper's comment about open adoption is interesting: "...and then the child is like a child of divorce, a tool to be used to make one set of parents look better than the other due to the giving of material things as the child is used as a weapon to boot, sacrificing the child's sence of security."
I can see this being a real issue. It could turn into a competition to prove who is the "real" or "better" mother. Not healthy for anyone involved.
Also, I'm not convinced that mothers know what open adoption truly means. Cheerio pointed out the lack of enforceability, which is a huge problem. I also think mothers think they will see the child whenever they desire and that the situation will be more like an extended family relationship. Then they find out what it really is - a few pics here and there, if they are lucky.
"I just think that I'm missing something that would make what they say make sense."
ReplyDeleteNothing makes sense in reunion.
"Nothing makes sense in reunion"
ReplyDeleteI completely and utterly agree!!!!!!
Denise
The IMPACT .... I think I understand better. I did get a chance to see your post before my last posted comment because I was writing that comment. I read something on a blog recently that helped me understand how adopted persons might feel. An adopted person posted that *because* her adoptive mom loved her so so so much it made her wonder all the more why her first mom maybe didn't. She said something about the more she was loved the more she felt alone because it reminded her of why she was even a part of the family.
ReplyDeleteI'd like to clear something up. Open adoption does not confuse the adopted person. Most families have complicated family member issues, adoption should just be another detail like that.
Actually closed adoption means that the adopted person has to live with many unanswered questions.
If you were adopted, wouldn't you have liked knowing all along why you look and are the way you are, especially if your adoptive family is nothing like you?
BTW I know its really hard for some first moms to see another women being called 'mommy' by their birthchild, but thats not the case for me.
It actually gives me joy to know that my birthson is attached to the mom I choose for him.
Its sort of like being happy that someone you care about likes the gift you gave them. The adoptive parents of my birthson are the gift I gave to him, if he enjoy them, thats a good thing.
I want to avoid the trama that 'reunion' can bring to an adopted person. I am hoping that being available to the adoptive family and supporting them in my attitude will show my birthson how much I really do love him.
HUMAN BEINGS ARE NOT GIFTS, YOU CAN TRY TO CONVINCE YOURSELF BUT ONE DAY IN THE FUTURE YOUR CHILD WILL TELL YOU OTHERWISE,THAT HE WAS NOT A GIFT TO THEM AND THEY WERE NOT A GIFT TO HIM. LOVE IS A GIFT AND THE UNCONDITIONAL LOVE OF A MOTHER TO HER CHILD IS THE GREATEST GIFT OF ALL. I SPEAK AS A FIRST MOTHER STRUGGLING THRU REUNION THAT IS ONE YEAR OLD WITH MY 19 YEAR OLD SON, THE ONLY GIFT I SHOULD HAVE EVER GIVEN HIM WAS HIS FIRST FAMILY, WHERE HE BELONGED ALL ALONG, AS ALL CHILDREN DO.
ReplyDeleteDENISE
Yes, Cindy. It would have made SUCH a difference if I had had an open adoption. But I didn't. I don't think it ever even occurred to anyone that passing on the occasional info might have helped me.
ReplyDeleteYou see... it's one thing to be told by amom that your bmom loved you. It's another thing entirely to hear from bmom HERSELF.
Seeing is believing.
Not seeing is having to take everyone and anyone else's word for it. Of course, this is the part where you say that people won't lie in adoption - most people tell the truth.
But even the truth won't disguise the hurt and grief. Even the truth does not always heal the wound.
This is obviously something I'm still wrestling with internally. I know many people would tell me to "get over it" because I know my mother loves me. And to an extent, yes, they are right. But you see, it is also easy for people to say that when they have no personal connection to adoption.
Many people still don't "get it."
No matter the intention, the impact is what counts. And in many cases, the impact doesn't necessarily do what the intent was...
I never said that my birthson was a gift. What I meant is that the relationship between his adoptive mom and himself is the gift. Yes, love is a gift. If I comes in the form of a women willing to love a child that she did not give birth to, that makes it a gift to me. You may disagree with me, thats fine. But its not nice to 'yell' at me with your post.
ReplyDeleteOpen adoption is about honoring the connections that an adopted person has with the birthfamily.
Instead of angrly waiting for 'someday' I choose to make myself completely available to my birthsons family.
I was not adopted, but still there are things in my life that I will never totally 'get over' the death of my dad, the rejection of friends, and of course the loss of parenting my birthson(notice I didn't say I lost *him*). I don't expect any adopted person to just pretend that they are ok with everything either. Personally I just accept that life isn't fair, things are going to hurt, but they can make you appreciate the things that don't *more*.
The impact of things...that is something that affects everyone, not just adopted persons, or people in adoption. I am trying to understand more, I know I have a long ways to go.
"What I meant is that the relationship between his adoptive mom and himself is the gift. Yes, love is a gift."
ReplyDeleteI can see what you're saying and I agree with you. The relationship ITSELF is a gift. But not the child.
If you're young and you don't HAVE any resources or help available, so you turn to adoption... how is that a gift? Gifts are things given willingly - not out of desperation.
It's like when adoptive mom say "she loved you so much she gave you up."
I think another adoptee summed it up perfectly:
"People aren't supposed to give up things they love - much less children. People aren't 'supposed' to abandon their children."
I'll have to say that I wholeheartedly agree w/ this...
ReplyDelete"People aren't supposed to give up things they love - much less children. People aren't 'supposed' to abandon their children."
And that is one of the purposes in me writing,
is to put the focus back onto realizing that the God-made bond between mother and child should not be treated as lightly and dismissed so quickly as it is in our society(ies).
And this goes beyond just adoption --
It goes to any situation where a child is separated from their natural parent... such as divorce, or parents separating, or parental abducuction.
The mother child bond should be treated sacred.
And it just isn't. People say things like "kids are tough, they'll bounce back." But at what cost?
And maybe this was not directed toward me; however, the comment about "angrily waiting until someday" - don't ask me to be happy that my adoption closed, especially when I have done NOTHING to cause it. AParents insecurities should not make my son suffer...
"I don't expect any adopted person to just pretend that they are ok with everything either. Personally I just accept that life isn't fair, things are going to hurt, but they can make you appreciate the things that don't *more*."
ReplyDeleteYou know, one of the things people like to tell me is:
"If you were MEANT to grow up with your amom, GOD would have made it so that you COULD have."
My whole life was altered by adoption. Not just my parents, my culture, my mother tongue - but my ENTIRE LIFE. Completely altered,
"erased" "vanished", gone. That's not something I can EVER get back, and it is too easy for people to just dismiss it and say "It was meant to be."
It means they don't want to acknowledge there is an actual depth and dark side to adoption.
The dark side is cash, and greed and entitlement....all at the expense of innocent sweet babies who deserve the love and warmth of their naural mothers arms.
ReplyDeleteDenise
thank you Denise for not posting in all caps, its harder to read them.
ReplyDeleteI am not one of those people who believe in fate.
I believe that good can come from anything where people have love in their hearts. I have this personal theory that there will always, and has always been several outcomes to every choice in every life.
I believe that who a person really is cannot be changed by anything. Who you were even before you were concieved is who you will always be.
Life is 10% what happens, and 90% your reaction to it.
I know you can't get back what you lost in adoption. I can't get my dad back, hes dead, gone. I can't get back my virginity either, but I doubt that anyone really cares these days about that.;)
You life was altered, and probably your birthmom did not think she had any other choice.
Still I believe that adoption should at least be a choice. Life needs choices, forcing a women who does not have any support, who maybe abused by people close to her, who may have no choice but to trust those people, what doesn't sound like something nice to do to her to say she can't find a way to spare her child from her abusers.
While the warmth and love of a natural mothers arms may be ideal. Its not always reality. Not everyone is cut out to parent. A first time mom who has no support is very likely to be taken advantage of and harm could come to her child even though that's the last thing she expects.
I know bad things happen in adoption, I'm trying to say that bad things happen in ALL things.
Also, I though came to me about those statics.
When they first tried organ transplants, most of them didn't work. Most of the telnologies that we take forgranted didn't work very well for a long long time. Open adoption is new, so of course its going to take some time for it to really really work good, it doesn't mean that it's not worth trying. It's still a good idea to let adopted person grow up knowing the truth all along, instead of all at once on their 18th birthday.
Dear Cindy,
ReplyDeleteOpen Adoption is NOT New!
They have been experimenting with it for at least 20 years!!!!
As one person commented above, they are using it as the lure to GET BABIES who were in no danger of harm.
As a lure to U N N E C E S S A R I L Y
separate babies from their natural parent(s).
After 20 years and yet to this very day I hear of doors being shut, no SLAMMED shut in less than a year or two. ???
If "open adoption" is so wonderful and great, why in 20 years haven't they made laws to enforce it??????
Please stop trying to paint it here as so perfect and wonderful and as an absolute win/win situation.
You may be 'sad' at times about your adoption,
but it doesn't seem like you've hit the deep grieving stage.
Until you have LOST your son, you won't hit the grief stage.
So, until you do hit that stage of grief, please stop dismissing the pain and harm done to both firstmoms (and adoptees) - which you cannot understand or relate to right now.
Earlier you wrote that you feel like you're missing a piece of the puzzle in why you're not getting it. I think that piece you are missing is the grief. Once you hit that state, then I think you'll "get it." Right now in your journey, even in your own words you don't feel like you've lost your child; therefore, you can't grieve like we firstmoms do. Nor can you can relate to the feelings of what the adopted person has lost either.
I am open to honest discussion, but not debate.
I do not write for the purpose of debate.
Debate has no real winners.
My hope is to educate people on adoption - about the voice and experiences of the 2/3 minority, the gap that is missing. Society is already saturated with the message you proclaim -- the 1/3 majority -- but it rarely hears (and often does not want to hear) what adoptees and firstmoms have written here.
Even though I may personally disagree with some things you've written, multiple times I've stated that everyone has a right to their own opinion, and I did not censor or edit your comments.
However, it seems this post has become more of a platform for debate - as if you're waiting for us to understand what you're saying and then agree with you.
What you may not realize is that We DO understand what you're saying.
Some of us have even at one stage in our journey said things like you've written above.
It is nothing new to us. We have already processed those ideology's.
In so doing, we've come to a place where we can no longer agree with it.
Your opinion seems very clear. You think it's wonderful.
Our opinion based off our experiences is also very clear, it is painful and causes harm.
Would you please just give us the same right to OUR opinions & right to feel the way we do - without debating our experiences or insisting we praise adoption with you?
(feel free to e-mail me if you'd like)
"ou life was altered, and probably your birthmom did not think she had any other choice."
ReplyDelete"Think"? She DID NOT. No other choice was OFFERED to her. No help was offered. She had no resources. What was she supposed to do?!
There WAS no "choice."
Cheerio, I sent you an email. Sorry I did not get back to you sooner. I have been dealing with issues with the state of Indiana. Instead of working with my organization, Indiana Open, and the AAC, the legislator chose to go the route of a corrupt adoption attorney. Go figure.
ReplyDeleteCindy,
I have been to your blog and read it over. I am glad as a first mom that you are getting out there and writing. After speaking with an open adoption agency director for over a year now, she tells me that a majority of "open" adoptions do close because many of the adoption agencies out there do make empty promises to get women to relinquish. Heather Rainbow is a good friend of mine. I know its happened to her. I know of several other mothers where it happened the same way. The directors of two open adoption agencies have both told me the secret to their success. They include the mothers and fathers in the choices of adoption. They only seek adoptive parents that want completely open adoptions. If an adoptive parent calls wanting a semi open, they turn them down. I know that both of these agencies are running a good solid ship because I have spoken with mothers who placed through them. I spoke with them long before I ever talked to the agency directors. Your writings tell me that you are at a brink of discovery. Maybe you are becoming more aware. Many of the long time mother bloggers have told me stories that would curl toes. Honestly for many of these mothers open adoption would not have been the answer. To parent their own children would have been the best choice.
After three years of researching this topic called adoption, adoption isn't a win/win/win situation. Adoption is based on loss. I had an adoptive parent tell me that recently. Adoptive parent of all people. She had a fast and furious lesson in the dark side of adoption. She was one of the parents screwed by Scott and Karen Banks. This woman is very intelligent. She has a master's degree. She got taken.
I can you that I was formerly staunchly prochoice. Now as an adoptee who has come full circle. I think adoption as it is practiced now is just as bad as safe havens and abortion. They all serve one purpose. They are teaching our young men and women that it is okay to dispose of a "situation." I do realize that there is a need for all of it. I don't like it but there is. WE as a society must come up with better solutions.
Cheerio, sorry did not mean to take over your blog.