Sunday, June 6, 2010
the closet doors I've opened wide
I am an open book on-line. But in real life, that isn't exactly so, especially regarding adoption. The experssion I've used is that I'm still an in the closet original mom. Many of you know that at one time I was pro-adoption, even to the (now nauseating) point of helping bethany (non!)christian services rape other expectant moms of their babies. So, if you don't like me, that's ok - it's not like I deserve any kindness. The journey of me stumbling out of the adoption fog is only 3 years old, and there are a few things I'm still trying to figure out. One of those things is, how to break the silence of secrecy regarding my teenage son, whom I lost to adoption nearly 16 years ago. I desperately hope for a reunion with him. I know now that adoption has wounded him (in ways that he may not be aware of or acknowledge right now in life) and I don't want to hurt him any further in our reunion someday. I frequent an adoptee forum, where the whole purpose of the forum is for adoptees to find support. I read over and over about how it affects the adopted person that their original mother tries to keep them a secret even after reunion...her husband doesn't know, or her children don't know, or even her family does not know. I read how hurtful to them that is each and every time, to be unacknowledged over and over again. How can an original mom meet her child and 10+ years later STILL not introduce her lost child back into her family? Yet it happens way too often. What I don't want is, I don't want that to happen to my son. I don't want to perpetually twist the knife that has already pierced his soul by denying him again. And yet, and YET every time someone asks me if I have any children, and I reply with, 'No.' I am doing the exact same thing to him, I am denying him - even though he is not there to audibly hear it with his own ears. And every time I deny him, it hurts me inside, because I know that is what I am doing -- even if it is not my intention. So, exactly how does someone all of a sudden pull back the drapes and open the window to allow the fresh breeze of truth to flow? How do I all of a sudden invite people into this 'hidden room' of my heart where they would discover that Cheerio has a teenage son? Long story short? I'm going to tell them one person at a time, one opportunity at a time. Today I was by myself among a group of people I didn't know. One person asked the inevitable ... "do you have any children?" I started to reply with my standard answer, "I have a cat," pause "and a son who does not live with us." And so, today is a new beginning for me, for us. While the rain is pouring down outside, and the clouds darken the skies, inside of me the sun is shinning, because today I did not deny him!