About Cheerio

My photo
In general I am a cheery and energetic person. But I am enshrouded in a cloak of iron. That cloak is the weight of greiving my son, whom I've lost to adoption.

Sunday, June 6, 2010

the closet doors I've opened wide

I am an open book on-line. But in real life, that isn't exactly so, especially regarding adoption. The experssion I've used is that I'm still an in the closet original mom. Many of you know that at one time I was pro-adoption, even to the (now nauseating) point of helping bethany (non!)christian services rape other expectant moms of their babies. So, if you don't like me, that's ok - it's not like I deserve any kindness. The journey of me stumbling out of the adoption fog is only 3 years old, and there are a few things I'm still trying to figure out. One of those things is, how to break the silence of secrecy regarding my teenage son, whom I lost to adoption nearly 16 years ago. I desperately hope for a reunion with him. I know now that adoption has wounded him (in ways that he may not be aware of or acknowledge right now in life) and I don't want to hurt him any further in our reunion someday. I frequent an adoptee forum, where the whole purpose of the forum is for adoptees to find support. I read over and over about how it affects the adopted person that their original mother tries to keep them a secret even after reunion...her husband doesn't know, or her children don't know, or even her family does not know. I read how hurtful to them that is each and every time, to be unacknowledged over and over again. How can an original mom meet her child and 10+ years later STILL not introduce her lost child back into her family? Yet it happens way too often. What I don't want is, I don't want that to happen to my son. I don't want to perpetually twist the knife that has already pierced his soul by denying him again. And yet, and YET every time someone asks me if I have any children, and I reply with, 'No.' I am doing the exact same thing to him, I am denying him - even though he is not there to audibly hear it with his own ears. And every time I deny him, it hurts me inside, because I know that is what I am doing -- even if it is not my intention. So, exactly how does someone all of a sudden pull back the drapes and open the window to allow the fresh breeze of truth to flow? How do I all of a sudden invite people into this 'hidden room' of my heart where they would discover that Cheerio has a teenage son? Long story short? I'm going to tell them one person at a time, one opportunity at a time. Today I was by myself among a group of people I didn't know. One person asked the inevitable ... "do you have any children?" I started to reply with my standard answer, "I have a cat," pause "and a son who does not live with us." And so, today is a new beginning for me, for us. While the rain is pouring down outside, and the clouds darken the skies, inside of me the sun is shinning, because today I did not deny him!

6 comments:

  1. Excellent news!!!One step at a time, it worked for my mother and she eventually found me too.Keep going and good wishes....

    ReplyDelete
  2. (((((Hugs Cheerio)))) :) :) That is all you can do, start with one person at a time. I understand the feeling you are possibly betraying him because you are denying him as I have felt that stab several times.

    Its not that we are purposely denying THEM... more like protecting the story around them so we don't have to go into explanations as to where they are and what happened etc... BUT I am now doing what you have just started doing. I did it for the first three years of her life and then just stopped. Now, its nice to be able to speak the truth again, nothing covered up.

    Biggest hugs and lots of love coming your way Cheerio because I know how much of a step this is for you. A day for celebrating :)

    Love Myst xxx

    ReplyDelete
  3. (((Cheerio))) Im so proud of you.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Once a woman has a baby she is ALWAYS that baby's Mom. And that baby is always a part of her. Being a Mom is more than changing diapers, doing laundry, making grilled cheese and kissing boo-boo's. Taking a child to the doctor and driving to little league. It is creating a human being from a part of her body that in essence will always give her the right to know and feel, that that human being belongs to her.....

    ReplyDelete
  5. One stop at a time is the only way to come out. I am still in that process. I found my daughter on FB and so far it's as far as it's gone.

    ReplyDelete
  6. As an adoptee who follows you on your facebook and blog.. I know that you acknowledge your son. In many ways, you do not have a son that you are raising, and to explain your story to others is really none of their business, as they maybe judgemental and no one needs that bs in their lives. We all have to make decisions as to whom we tell what and when. Trust is so important and that decision is totally yours. We who know you.. know you do not deny your son in any way and totally know how much you miss and want him in your life. When he is in your life, then you will have your day of introductions. The secret is alittle different. My mom has me as a secret and while i have to respect her decision to keep me as a secret to her family, so that i do not disrupt her life, its extremely unfair to me to know my family. That is when the secret kills. i dont think that will be the secret in your case at all.
    You are a good woman Cheerio! Continue on your path!

    ReplyDelete