How Long did you grieve for your child?

"How long did you grieve for your child? " In another forum, a question was posted by a woman whose child is under 6 months old. Her question is this “How long did you grieve for your child?” I’m going to confess, I did not read all the replies. There are three pages of replies. But I did read her short paragraph describing her question. Her question broke my heart. Reading her words broke my heart. Basically she described that she recently lost her child for adoption, and cries every day. She missis her daughter and wants her back. She's wondering how long others grieved, and I think she's hoping for someone to tell her that it will get better. One thing that breaks my heart is … How? How in the world can we be in this information age, and people are still so uneducated about adoption as to think that a woman ever stops grieving for her lost child? How? I don’t know if her adoption was handled by an agency or an adoption lawyer, but HOW in the world are We the Women and Men Of the United States allowing adoptions to continue on the same path of being unethical and lacking moral standards? Agencies make billions, but they are not regulated. Does this repulse anyone else? Why is no one accountable? Here is a woman who is asking about grieving. She’s lost her child less than 6 months ago. I’d be willing to be a paycheck that her counseling (but not biased at all, I’m sure) went something like “It will hurt for awhile, but will fade away.” Are you happy with that kind of disgusting misrepresentation? If you are, then you must also believe that she is not a human being as you are. Therefore she is not deserving of truth. She is merely an incubator for a more deserving couple, or someone who has more money. She doesn't have feelings, or emotions. Surely, the child is better off and safer with someone else. And I guess you’re also among the group that would say “awww, honey, but you made the right choice….” When are we going to stop labeling it as a right or wrong choice, and start to realize the key is asking - IS IT NECESSARY? If it is NOT absolutely necessary, then child should be with his/her mother. Why should a mother be psychologically damaged for the rest of their life if it is NOT absolutely necessary? Juno is not real. Women do not walk away into the sunset all happy and giddy. If you believe that, then you need to get off the adoption merry-go round, you’re dizzy from it. Look at reality! These are women and young women who mourn and grieve for their child until the gravel of the grave falls on their closed caskets. If you’d like to follow up on that forum and see the replies, here is the link. I initially wanted to talk about my own feelings. But a more personal post will follow later. For now, I’d rather just leave here. Leave it with this thought ... Does that sound like a win/win situation to you? To grieve until the dirt clods drop and echo on the casket lid?

From ‘Closet Creep’ to ‘Cannon Ball’

 There are many things that contrast my former neighborhood to the ‘new place’ we live. Sidewalks are one of those things. We don’t have them here.

 I recommend you Do NOT bend down to look in your mailbox if a car is headed down the road. If you do, your rear end might be on someone’s front fender.

 In my former neighborhood the widowed lady across the street was an amazing fiery respectable woman. She also had a manicured lawn. Faithfully she edged along the sidewalks to ensure that the grass stayed in its place and did not creep out beyond its borders and spread out on her sidewalk. She was very adamant that there would be no grass creep while she was on duty!

 Grass creep, you know, that’s when the grass grows over the edge of your sidewalk and in time your sidewalk gets narrower and narrower. If left unchecked, the grass will grow completely over the sidewalk hiding the fact that a sidewalk ever even existed.

 In April I wrote a post “Cheerio sticks her neck out.” In that post, I described myself as an “in the closet first mom.” Basically that no one in my day to day life knows that I have a child, a son whom I lost to adoption. Since he was my only child so far, the natural assumption people have is that I’ve never been pregnant.

 There are a lot of excuses as to why it is people don’t know. The very select few that do know have just brushed it off as me being “a private person.” But to be completely honest - fear is the biggest reason. In April’s post, I described that my on-line friends (other first moms and adoptees) are gently coaxing me out of the closet.

 While I was writing that post, I had light bulb moment.
Instantly it became crystal clear to me that the money grubbing adoption agency wants me to live in fear and to keep to myself. They WANT me to keep the closet doors shut. Even more importantly, they want me to keep my mouth shut.

 Rather than seeing me ‘find healing,’ what they really want is for me (and other first moms) to be paralyzed by the fear, to be quiet, and to stay hidden. So, if I stay in the closet, that makes them very happy.

 After that postl, I experienced a bit of, what I’ll call ‘closet creep.’ Just like the grass that slowly crosses that line to where it is not allowed, in small ways I began to let adoption slowly slip out of the closet and creep into my life in various ways.

 I’ve mentioned the Adoptee Rights Demonstration more than once on my ‘real’ FB. Twice I’ve commented on the evils of adoption to people, as part of passing conversation. (Just short comments, not deep discussions). I’ve ‘confessed’ to a co-worker. This is someone whom I’ve actually talked to in the past, at times when I was really really sad; however, I would never tell WHAT I was really really sad about. I have even worn my cute little ARD tshirt out in public. Once to church, once to a family event, and once just out and about doing errands.

Yup, "closet creep." So far I’m just trying to engage in ‘adoption’ related topics, yet the fact that I have a son lost to adoption is still quiet – still in the closet.

Although that may soon come to an end. Early May I was reading one of the flyers at church. The flyer was regarding support for a local crisis pregnancy center, and it claimed that this center “provides accurate information about options.” For over two years I’ve bitten my tongue and kept quiet about this pregnancy center. Two years earlier I called and talked to them to find out for myself about their counseling. It is very pro-adoption biased and does NOT provide accurate information about adoption.

 I’ve had enough of being silent, and took a week to compose a letter. I sent the same letter to all the elders of our church, and to our pastor. I've challenged them about their flyer. In my letter I asked how they knew “accurate information” is provided? Has anyone actually investigated it? And what if? What if they find that the counseling is inaccurate and/or biased?
I sent these letters to people who don’t know about my own adoption journey.


Last week I sent letters to my government legislators.
Recently I got an e-mail with an “assignment” to help adoptees in their fight for open records. Whoa… When I got my “assignment”, to be honest, I was ready to give the assignment back and say I didn’t want it. That I don’t have time. Or that I’m doing enough already. Or that I’m doing more than other people. But I didn’t.

 I left the e-mail in my inbox and thought about it. So, tonight I replied to the e-mail asking for more help, because I don’t really understand what it is she wants me to do. I reminded her that I’m brand new to all of this, and need a little guidance in the beginning.

I want to share with you WHY I decided to take on this assignment. Because I

want to fight

the adoption industry.

  I can not undo the decision I made so long ago. I realize that I cannot change the past no matter how much I regret it.

 While I hope that I am making a difference to one woman, to one child, to one family – I know that I cannot stop the unnecessary adoptions from happening. But what I “cannot do” has nothing to do with what I “can do.” I can join with adoptees in their fight for open records. After all, who are they really fighting against? They’re fight is with the adoption industry.


 It is the adoption industry that pays the lawmakers to block adoptees from their records. And it the adoption agencies that wishes the same silence from adoptees as they wish from first moms. The closet was closed for years and years and years. I don’t think I really had any intentions of ever coming out willingly. A month ago it was just closet creep, but now it feels like I’m being shot out of the closet, as if from a cannon.

from Closet Creep

to

Cannon Ball

the walls of yesterday

My prior post … walls going up… I ended the post with “Look at his family. Maybe he is better off without me?” What was I thinking?!?! That is them talking! It is the nonsense and lies of the adoption industry rhetoric! I’m certain they would be patting themselves I the back if they’d read that. They’d be bragging to each other and saying “Well, we’ve worn down and silenced another one, boys.” Then they’d all high-five each other. Sick! Disgusting! Greed infested monsters! That is what they are. And they’re WRONG!!! They are just as wrong today as they were 15 years ago when they poisoned my mind with lies about what a child “needs and deserves.” It was a lie to say that my child deserved to be raised in a 2 parent home. Had I held onto his tiny little hand, that’s what my son would’ve had. Sure I might have remained unmarried for a little while, but his father always wanted to keep him. Not only would he have had a 2 parent home, he would have had THE BEST DAD IN THE WORLD! I’ve never told my husband how much it pained my heart when he proposed to me. Our son was born in October. On Christmas the same year my (then) boyfriend proposed. I still recall how it ached to look at the engagement ring. Only 2 months after our only child was born – then lost. The words inside me were wishing he had done this two months earlier, then we could’ve kept our son. I didn’t even realize it at the time, but the adoption wasn’t final until 3 months after he was born. Dang! I was engaged to his father before he was even “officially” adopted. That really hurts.

And those greedy liars did not care about that boy and his needs? They did not care about the lifelong pain of his parents! They cared about their wallet, their nice home, their power. They cared about meeting the DEMAND!

What a FOOL I was to spew on my own blog – their repulsive lies!

Mommas – Expectant Moms – your baby deserves YOU!!! Don’t believe the LIE that he/she will be better off with strangers! No! He/she is better off with you.

If adopted, their life might be nice, their life might be good, but their life will also be complicated without you. Pro-adoption people won’t tell you that his/her life will be MORE DIFFICULT and at times very painful without you. So the walls went up – for a little while.

I think I felt defeated when I saw the pics of my son. But it seems more like there was a lot of gunpowder poured down the barrel before the ball was rammed in, then BANG! I’m not confined anymore. I am NOT going to give up. And I am NOT going to SHUT up. I lost him to the monsters once. But I won’t lose him again to their heinous lies! Not while I’m still alive! ARD in July … http://adopteerightsphilly.blogspot.com/

Why am I going? I’m going to fight the work of these monsters. The monsters aren’t content with ripping families apart for a mere buck. They want to keep them separated forever. They are still interfering with the lives of those who are adopted even as adults. The monsters are discriminatingly blocking them from their very own birth records; blocking them from their very own heritage; blocking them from their own medical history; blocking them from even a chance to find answers. With my friends I will fight the monsters at the ARD … for their rights & for the rights of my son. These monsters, they might beat me to a pulp. They might trample me. They might slash away at me. I might be crippled, wounded, and weak – but beaten & bloodied I WILL GET BACK UP AND FACE THEM AGAIN. I am not better off without my son. And My SON is certainly NOT better off without me. If only one of the monster were here right now, I’d give it one swift kick to the head with my right heel! Who knows maybe two kicks or even three!

NOT better off without me

Scams and the elderly

You hear of the warnings to beware of scams and fraud. They come in all flavors (only bad flavors, though). Frequently elderly folks are the victims. My neighbor is a sweet little old lady. She is very prim and proper. She doesn’t go anywhere unless she is dressed up in a dress suit, nylons, and pumps. Her yard is manicured and she even edges the grass creep along her sidewalk every year. She is just a little lady, shrunken with age. Don’t get me wrong though, she still gets around and is a feisty one. I worry about her when I see her outside working. I’m not going to try to stop her, but I’ll either offer a hand, or just keep peeking at her out of the corner of my eye – just ‘in case’ something would happen. Maybe you have a sweet little old lady or gentleman in your neighborhood. You might have a few stories or memories of your own you could share. How do you feel when you hear that one of these people is taken advantage of by a scam or by fraud? Seriously, think about how it makes you feel.

What is your knee-jerk reaction? Do you think to yourself that they deserve it? - Do you have thoughts wondering if they weren’t smart enough to not leave a stone unturned while researching before making their decision? - If they didn't do "enough" research, then do you feel it’s their own fault and they should just suck it up? - Do you contemplate that after all those years they should just know better, and if they didn’t they’re just stupid and not worth any respect at all? Or -- would you consider them a victim? Would you have empathy and realize that they are at a very vulnerable place in their life? - Do you also realize there are people who prey on such vunerability? - Do you think about how dependants they are on others helping them make difficult decisions? - Do you feel sad at how betrayed, and maybe ashamed he or she must feel? - Do you see the pain in their eyes as they describe the situation to you, and realize how much regret they have? Scams and Fraud – it breaks my heart when I hear or read about another victim. Hmmmm, victim. The word ‘victim’ came up this week in regards to adoption. The children who are adopted and separated from their family unnecessarily- they are a victim, hands down. No question about it. They are a victim, and they had no say in it at all. They are separated from their natural family and go throug life without that genetic mirroring. They feel isolated as they try to grapple through many emotions, expecially feelings of being abandoned. They go through a life of constant inner turmoil. They are indeed victims.

What about the mother who has lost her child to adoption? She can’t be considered a victim, especially when she signed away her rights. Or, can she? If she is not a victim, then neither are the elderly in cases of fraud or scams. Just like your sweet little old neighbor, that expectant mom is at a very vulnerable place in her life. She has to try to figure out whom she can trust and whom she can’t trust, especially since adoption professionals target her and her baby as their prey. Who to trust? There is the key.

Scammers are professional ‘con artists’.

They appear to care about their ‘victim’. They can tell outright lies while looking you in the eye, AND have a smile on their face. They use specific words to manipulate how their message is received. They can read their victim’s body language to know which part of their sales pitch is reeling in the deal. They know the key phrases to send subtly implied messages. They are wolves in sheep’s clothing. They will tell the ‘victim’ whatever they need to – no matter how hollow the promises are. They will avoid talking about facts that might cause them to lose the sale. They are initimdating, sometimes outright othertimes it's subliminal. This is what adoption professionals do. NO adoption agency should be allowed to claim they are giving ‘non – biased’ counseling. Talk about conflict of interest! That’s like handing your fish to the bear.

The reality is that if adoption agencies do not get babies for their clients to adopt/buy, then the agency won’t stay in business. It is their business to get babies, period. It is not a ‘ministry’ as many ‘christian agencies’ claim. Their purpose is to get babies, not "minister" to the TRUE needs of the expectant mom so she can parent her baby.

And yes, I intentionally use the expression "stay in business," because that is what adoption agencies are, profit seeking businesses. I don't care what color the ink is from their "non-profit" rubber stamp! This too is deceiving. "Non-profit" does NOT mean there is NO profit, what it means is that their expenses must equal their income. So if they make a whole lot of money this year - they need to spend it, like bonuses or salary increases.

The scammer's intent is to get as much dough as possible. They pretend they wil take care of that sweet little widow's needs. They don't take care of her, they only trick her. But that's what con-artists do. That's what adoption agencies do.

Have you ever considered how ridiculous it is to allow any adoption professional to provide "counseling”? They "claim" it is non-bias counseling, but it really a tool for finding out how to manipulate the expectant mom. They do not discuss ALL her options. In the few situations that they do discuss 'other' options, being professional con-artists, they still tip the scales to make those “other options” sound bad, and mysteriously only the adoption option is made to sound “best” and “right.” They refer to her as a birthmother – planting in her mind the seed to fulfill this new title they’ve assigned to her. This is no accident; it is very deliberate and intentional. They say adoption is a loving choice – which plants the idea that if she does not choose adoption, she is unloving. This is no accident; it is very deliberate and intentional. They say that adoption is brave – subtle terminology to say that if she does not choose adoption, she is a coward. This is no accident; it is very deliberate and intentional. They say that adoption is selfless (excuse me while I hack up a hairball at the hypocrisy on THIS!!)- which implies that parenting is selfish. This is no accident; it is very deliberate and intentional.

If the e-mom (expectant mom) talks about her dreams and aspirations, will she get support and encouragement? Will they give her a list of resources? No. The responses she will hear are like these “It isn’t fair for a baby to hold you back from reaching your dreams.” Instead of reminding her that she can still reach her goals – even if it takes her longer, and it will be hard, but she can do it.

Here’s another one, “How will you be able to go to college and take care of a baby?” Instead of providing her with ideas of getting student loans or reminding her that the child won’t need daycare their entire life! This is no accident; it is very deliberate and intentional. Here are other key phrases, “children deserve a two parent home.” They won't mention the reality that aparents are human too. They go through divorce like every other group of people in society. This is no accident; it is very deliberate and intentional. And how is it that a ‘christian agency’ would say to an expectant mom, who is sitting there with the father of the baby - to "not get married, it won't work out?" Wait, it’s okay to rip apart flesh and blood? to sever the SACRED God Designed mother/child bond? Which is not suggested in the Bibleny awhere. But they'll advise against marriage, which is mentioned repeatedly in the Bible? So, instead of using their own Bible as a guide to encourage marriage, they’ll promote their own man-made adoption ideology to separate the family. This is no accident; it is very deliberate and intentional. More counseling phrases are “Don’t you want your child to have the best? A loving couple that is financial secure can provide what your child needs.” This is more of the subtle message, accusing her of not careing about her child's needs, negative doubts that she could provide and care for her child. More of the 'loving couple' implies that she is unloving to keep her baby. It is no accident; it is very deliberate and intentional. These subtle messages are repeated over and over with each discussion and each visit by the adoption professional. This is no accident; it is very deliberate and intentional. I could go on with phrases that adoption professionals use to undermine the expectant mom’s self worth and ability. But this post is not about that. This post is to point out how someone can be decived and becomes a victim.

Yes, most unfortunately I am a first mom. I’ve lost my only child to adoption. I do acknowledge that I made the decision. But, you know what? The the elderly man also made a decision when he wrote out the check to the scammer. He made a choice and played a part in his ow misery, yet we recognize he was a victim. He was a targeted by a con-artist and became their victim.

He made a choice, I made a choice. Both bad choices. We are both a victim. And yet people will show compassion to him, but not toward a first mom. Why is that? Why be condemning and judgmental of any victim at all? Is it to make oneself feel better by maybe feeling superior to, or better than, or smarter than the victim?

There is no need to be harsh or judgmental. Nor is there a need to separate 'responsibility' and 'victim' into an either/or issue. I can be both at the same time. Just because I describe myself as a victim of the adoption con-artists, does not mean I am denying I had any part in it. And when I acknowledge my part in it, that does not make me any less of a victim.

Come back next Monday or Tuesday. There is another angle to discuss on the whole victim, scam,fraud, adoption topic.

Victim of adoption fraud. Similar to Scams and the elderly.