Why I concealed being a birthmother

 Why I do not open up about being a birth mother - an introspection

[While going through papers, I found these pages ripped out of a spiral notebook.  I have absoultely no idea when I wrote it.  It may have been around 2014.  Although I do not hide my 'status' anymore, it captures where I was at one point. It is part of my story, and I think it is still relevant.]

Why do I conceal instead of open up?

Because it is something about myself that I hate,

and I cannot change it

A substance abuser can change

and not be a substance abuser – “recovering / in recovery”

An abuser can change, stop abusing

no longer an abuser

A liar, thief, selfish

a liar can stop lying

a thief can stop stealing

a selfish person can stop being self-centered and learn to give

No Matter what I do or not do

I will never find

a way to cease being _____ a birth mother

 

There are people with disabilities that cannot be changed either

A person with dwarfism will always be a person of short stature

But the dwarf did not choose this– it happened without any decisions of his/her own

Not all disabilities or handicaps are from birth

Accidents may result in a person losing their sight, their limb(s), their ability to walk, talk, or even feed themselves

Perhaps they are permanently disfigured

 

I guess that’s it, this

Being a birth mother      is             an           emotional disability

So, this emotional disability – is internal, unseen from those who pass by.

We recognize the signs of physical disabilities:

a blind person uses a cane or service dog,

a paraplegic is in a wheelchair

scars or deformities that are not covered with clothing

But emotional disabilities, signs of it are only seen by the very astute.

 

People with disabilities are often

labeled,

misunderstood,

ridiculed,

mocked,

marginalized,

scorned,

dismissed,

stereotyped, &

 judged.

So, why would I want to expose this handicap, this emotional disability to the reviling of others?

It would be like gathering tinder and sticks and arranging them around a post I’ve hoisted up, where they will surely burn me – not physically, but emotionally burn me at the stake.  (I can predict the reactions)

When you ask me to open up – this is what you ask me to do

 

I am who I am

Being a birth mother is something that has disfigured and painfully marred my life,

But I cannot change that

If I remove the veil so you can see the emotional scars

– can YOU be trusted with the burning torch in your hand?

 

I care too much, not about what people think about me, but about what they will say to me.

I did not make a “loving, selfless choice” as you believe

My son’s adoption was not a baby “saved from abortion”

It is not a “beautiful thing” or a “win-win”

[being told these things used to sting, but now they just make me angry because they are lies, lies, lies that people WANT to believe] 

NO! It has been two decades of excruciating pain and torment

 

And you want me to open up to your trite & stereotypical responses?!

 

BUT        I               Must.

I               Must      remove the veil

You        Must     see the reality of a disfigured & wounded soul

 

YOU MUST have this OPPORTUNITY to see a reality of this institution you esteem so highly

You

Must

Have

this

Opportunity

It will then be up to you

Whether you look quickly away

because it is not the picture of beauty you expect to see,

OR

Whether you look long enough to challenge your preconceived

& tightly held beliefs

and perhaps re-evaluate them

I've stopped

concealing 

that I am

a birth mother

so you can see

the UGLY  TRUTH