As I was getting ready to pack for our trip to the ARD I was scanning thru the closet to find something long-sleeved. I was rummaging to the far right and saw a white flannel shirt.
I had the sleeves unbuttoned and rolled up one time. It had pink and blue teddy bears all over it.
I paused and touched it. Rolling the fabric between my fingers, I remembered back to how long ago I wore this shirt.
It was 16 years ago, when I was expecting my first child, my son lost to adoption.
Although I'm waiting for the blood test to confirm it, I know I'm pregnant again.
I know I'm 'supposed' to be happy, jumping up and down and beaming with joy. I WANT to be happy. I think that is what my husband is expecting.
But all the lies, and fears, and feelings from 16 years ago are staring me in the face. I feel like I'm THERE again.
While I was sitting in the dr's office I remembered that blood work was done on a Friday way back then too. I keep thinking, how do I tell my son??? And it makes me cry every time - just like now.
I am so afraid so ashamed so remorseful over the loss of my oldest child how do I tell him about his full brother/sister, which would be labeled "the kept child"
I'm supposed to be happy and I'm sure that as the baby grows, I will, but right now I'm so torn so very very torn. Somber is the word my husband uses.
As I sat there wringing the life out of a newspaper, my Dr kept reassuring me that it's going to be okay. It was obvious I was "anxious" was the word she used.
I found myself yesterday trying to cover or hide my belly (like with a sweatshirt or something). I still associate being pregnant with being punished, and feel ashamed. I know that's not the truth...but it has been my truth for the past 16 years...and you don't just get over that in the snap of the fingers, do you?
I am sitting here with the tears freely running down my face. I should stop, I think you get the picture... I am so afraid