About Cheerio

My photo
In general I am a cheery and energetic person. But I am enshrouded in a cloak of iron. That cloak is the weight of greiving my son, whom I've lost to adoption.

Sunday, May 24, 2009

have you ever been ...

Today was a beautiful day. It was hot, just the way I like it; although, most normal people don’t. We were doing a little outdoor project for my Mom. My sister organized the project day to happen while Mom was at work. My hubby and I were helping my sis and her boyfriend. My nephew, whom I call him my buddy a lot, was there also. He helped by making sure that Sponge Bob episodes were not discontinued. At about 1:30 the others were not ready for lunch, but my buddy was hungry. I went inside to make him some lunch and decided that I’d have a sandwich with him. There was no way I was waiting another hour to eat. I made him a stacker sandwich. Two slices of Seltzer’s Sweet Lebanon Bologna, a slice of cheese, three slices of ham, and another slice of cheese on dry bread – no mayonnaise, no ketchup, no mustard, no butter, just plain old dry bread. Oh, and he had a handful of baby carrots to go with that. He ate all the carrots and I was beginning to wonder if he would eat the sandwich or not. At first he pulled off all the mean and cheese sticking out of the edges. But he eventually did tear into it. I was impressed; he actually ate the whole thing! I was already done with my sandwich and was just sitting with him while he was finishing his. The little black kitten was sitting on the chair with me. Out of the blue my buddy asks “Hey, Aunt Cheerio. Have you ever been pregnant?” It was not a question I was expecting at all. It seemed to be out of the blue. I couldn’t hide it. I could feel the muscles of my face pull as I tried to not cry. My eyes welled up with tears, and with an obvious pained look on my face I said to him, “Yes, I have.” I could not say another word. With just those few words my voice had cracked. I can still hear the sound of his response. “Ooh.” He sounded surprised. Which of course he would have been. He does not know about that dark part of my heart. He doesn’t know that somewhere out there he has another cousin. I hurriedly carried my plate over to the sink. By now a few tears slipped over the edge. My voice was still strained and broken, as I said to him, “Maybe we can talk about it another time.” My buddy finished his sandwich and brought his plate over to the sink. I gave him a hug and told him (as I do all the time), “Aunt Cheerio loves you buddy.” And I swear he hugged me tighter than he usually does. I wasn’t ready for this. What do I tell him? I can’t lie to him. I don’t want to lie to him. But how do I explain to an 8 year old boy, whom I cherish and love very much, that I didn’t keep my own baby? I actually talked to my sister last summer about my buddy knowing. If you follow my blog, you know that my sister has her own tragic story with her two oldest sons who were missing for 10 years. Here are two prior posts if you're new here ... Dec 18th, 2008 & 3 candles, 3 weeks, 3 days later At the time I talked to her, we had not found her two oldest sons. I was afraid that it would be too frightening for my buddy to know that his oldest brothers were missing, AND my son was missing. I was afraid that he would be frightened that someone would take him too. When I went back outside, I’m glad I had a hat on as I was working. I hoped it hid my face and tears. He’s always known about his brothers who were missing. I think he realizes that it was not my sister’s choice. He’s always known that she was searching and trying to find them. How could my buddy understand that my son was missing because I gave him away? There is no way to explain. I kept thinking that if I even tried to explain – my buddy would question my love for him too. Would he think that I would give him away too?
have you ever been . . .
pregnant ?

1 comment:

  1. Oh Cheerio,

    My daughter learned to speak early, when she was just 8 months old we took her to Jamaica and she impressed everyone there by repeatedly saying "we be jammin' man" over and over and proving to all the Jamaicans that her parents were indeed dedicated Bob Marley fans.

    Along with speaking early came the ability to commnuicate her thoughts and wishes. When she was maybe about 16 months old she looked me in the eye and said "Mommy can I please have a big brother?" It was the first of many times my heart stopped as my eyes filled with tears. There were many times she asked me this over the years and what could I say? I used to just look at her and say "well maybe one day honey." When she found out just after she turned 11 that she did indeed have a big brother I remember her looking at me and saying to me "Now I know why you always used to say maybe one day, when I would ask you for a big brother".

    It never gets any easier when you are startled by innocence, and the responses don't get easier either. I hope for us both that one day they will Sweet Pea.

    Luv and Hugs,