About Cheerio

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In general I am a cheery and energetic person. But I am enshrouded in a cloak of iron. That cloak is the weight of greiving my son, whom I've lost to adoption.

Monday, March 23, 2009

sick, not limited to the physical sense

Cheerio has been sick. I don't like being sick, especially if it lingers. I don't want to complain, as it is just a temporary sickness, not a life-threatening disease. But it's still "sick" when it feels like it is taking all your strength to walk 3 feet. That's been Cheerio's world. At work one day one of the New Yorker fellows I work with says, "Hey, Cheerio - what's up with you? You've been moping around for days now." Thanks, Man! Gotta love Italians and their no-nonsense approach? Eh? Today I'm feeling better and I'm getting stronger every day. I'm starting to walk kind of normal. I'm moving a little slow, and a tiny bit unsteady. I'm not making any quick turns or dashing about, that's certain. When this first hit me, I was in bed - slept all day, kind of sick for two days. One night as I'm lying there trying desperately to fall asleep, I realized just how sick I really am. Here I've been barely able to wobble downstairs for a drink for a few days. And my first sign of recovery was the over-activeness of my brain. "Sick" I am, to finally have strength to even just think and the thoughts pummeling my mind are ... about the 'A' word. GAAA! I can't even escape it when I'm sick! I'm laying there thinking about my blog, and what I'd like to write about. I'm thinking about the topics I've read on an Adoptee Forum. I'm thinking about how I can make a difference in the people around me from day to day - trying to break through their predictable 'adoption is a loving choice', and 'it's a win-win situation' blinders. I'm thinking about how much adoption hurts and yet the general population has no clue how much. I'm thinking how hard it is to combat that. I'm thinking about my on-line friends who are in reunion stages - and they're struggling. I'm thinking about how hard my own reunion will be. His amom and adad won't communicate with me at all now, should I expect THAT to change when he turns 18? HA! I'm not counting on it!
My mind is churning as I'm predicting my son will face what I hear from my adoptee friends ... that they're made to feel Guilty for thinking about their natural family ... that they're labeled as disloyal for searching ... that even when aparents say they're for searching and re-union - they don't really mean it. GAAA! I am coughing up hairballs like you wouldn't believe and my chest muscles hurt, yet my mind is already thinking, no obsessing about Adoption! Sometimes I just want to be a normal person. I wish someone could unscrew a plate in the back of my head, and just yank the "adoption" fuse out. Please. Please let me go to bed thinking about my seedlings, my sewing crafts, plans for my flower beds, and the heavenly smell of mulch. Please - enough of Adoption already!!!
Just make it stop! Make it go away! Change the mp3 playlist!
now that's one sick puppy

4 comments:

  1. Hey Cheerio,

    Sorry to hear you have been so sick... doesn't sound nice whatever you have had! Sending biggest wishes to help you feel better and hoping you get better asap. Being ill is horrible!

    About the whole taking out the 'a' fuse from our brain... I understand! I have said to my friends that okay, so I had my child taken but they forgot to do the lobotomy so I would forget. Would be so much easier at times!

    Hugs,
    Myst xxx

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  2. Cheerio,

    I hope you are 100% in no time!!! Was down with a nasty cold and cough myself a couple of weeks ago and it does just drain you.

    And I have to laugh a bit at what Myst wrote above, it was my birthday last Friday and hubby asked me what I wanted and I looked him in the eye and said "a full frontal lobotomy please".
    ....yep it just keeps on taking!!!

    Be Well Dolly,
    Denise
    xo

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  3. Doesn't sound like fun at all and I hope it's not what I seem to be coming down with.

    I hope you recover quickly!

    jimm

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  4. "I'm thinking about how much adoption hurts and yet the general population has no clue how much.

    I'm thinking how hard it is to combat that."

    I believe it is impossible. If you've read my post "Perceiving Adoption", that explains why I think it is insurmountable.

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