Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Peace with My Adoption Decision
The day of my son's birthday I posted on another forum. I posted same as my post titled "just can't sing it today". One of the replies I got on that forum was basically, "I pray you'll find peace with your decision." Here is my reply to that after sitting on it for several days... peace ... I am splitting this totally from the OP, because I didn't want it to seem as if I was attacking the gal who made this reply. Many, who have been here on the forum for a long time, know the background of my adoption journey. The newer folks may not. Many firstmoms have times of the year that are more difficult than other times. Mother's day is hard for me. But the months (yes, I mean months) before and after my son's birthday are very hard for me. Usually I start struggling at the end of the summer. Since his birthday is in the fall, it makes it hard to face the upcoming 'family holidays' like Thanksgiving and Christmas. So for me, it's hard from August till February. When I posted about his birthday, there were a lot of hugs and offers for prayer, and I thank you for every one. There were other firstmoms who KNOW what I'm talking about, and their comments mean a whole lot to me. The reply that has been eating at me is the -- hoping I will find peace for my decision. I separated it from the OP because I think that is a common thought in the adoption world. And this expression is not intended to be an attack toward any specific person. Peace for my decision... Here's how I look at the idea of peace. (And as you read this, keep in mind I am posting this in a Birthparents/ Natural Mom's forum, not in a group where women are starting the adoption process, etc. And this may get touchy, because our babies are a very personal and sensitive subject. Before you reply, you may want to first walk away and come back to it later on. Please grant me the freedom for my baby to be a personal and sensitive subject to me as well. ) Peace ... Many women have experienced losing a child to death. Some lose their child because he/she does not reach full term. Some lose their child at birth or soon after. Some lose their child when he/she was still a young child. Others may lose an adult child. It's a tragic event in a person's life. Tragic - nothing can compare to it. The days, months, years afterward leave a person scarred in areas that will NEVER be the same. Suppose you are one of the women who have been scarred in this way. It really is tragic, and I am sorry to know you will endure and have endured much pain. I do not take lightly any of these words. But suppose you are one of these women, and 7 years later you find out: - that the doctors and professionals did NOT provide you with all the information that they had. - that there were known risks (risks to you and risks to your child) thise risks were deliberately not disclosed to you. - that the information provided was biased to their favor, so you would make their desired decision(s) - that the professionals KNEW such decision/choice would cause you to lose your child. - that the professions could have saved your baby and chose to do otherwise In other words, you find out 7 years after your baby has been gone - 7 years after mourning his/her death 7 years of his/her life were not lived out and you find out after all these years, that the loss of your child was unnecessary. In other words, you learn years after the tragic event - that it didn't have to happen the way it did... That today you could be holding your precious child, watching him or her grow, celebrating their mile markers of life eating cake and blowing out candles. Instead your laying flowers beside a cold gravestone. You find out it could have been different. Would you have peace? Really? Suppose you learn the motive of those dr's and professionals, and find out that they were paid to give you that bad information? To live without the child that grew inside of you is hard enough. But now to find out that your child could have been saved and very intentionally was not simply for someone to make a buck, that would make it so much harder, in fact nearly impossible to bear. I will never have peace with the idea that my son was separated from his natural mother UNNECESSARILY. Let's not confuse it with 'right' or 'wrong' or 'best' or 'better'. It was UNnecessary! I will never have peace with the idea that I am living a life of on-going grief because someone wanted a fatter paycheck. I will never have peace that I have PUT UPON MY CHILD burdens that adopted children have to deal with, simply because they are adopted. I am now learning that my son (whether he recognizes it or not) asks himself why I abandoned him? why was he so unlovable that his own natural mother did not keep him? I cried so very hard when I learned about this. The more I learn about the struggles an adoptee faces, the more it breaks my heart. I ask myself, "What I may have done to my own son?" I am not talking about adoption horror-stories here. I am talking about adoptees who had the best possible situation growing up, still struggle with finding self-worth and self-value. (Not all adoptees dig this deep or recognize the motivation behind some of their choices) I will never have peace knowing that while my son is facing puberty and all the other wacky changes that come with the hormones - that he will have the extra burden of poor self esteem - because of the poor choice I Made. That he may struggle with the idea of how precious he is. How precious and valuable he is as his own person, not just because he filled a 'need' his aparents had. Peace.... I know she meant well to hope I'll find peace in my decision. But it was the absolute worst decision of my life, and there is no peace in acknowledging that. How could there be? ?
original blog posted 11/7/2009