i don't know why I do this to myself,
but I found more stuff online relating to my son...
i found pics from around the time of his High School Graduation
(he is quite a handsome young man)
and there are some short video/pics of him at his xc events away at college...
- i don' tknow,
i guess it's like a little kid picking a scab?
i am so curious,
i am also very happy for him relating to good things in his life, to see him smiling and doing what he seems passionate about
i found a video of an xc event this month, and after the race, the person wandered around asking guys how they felt about their time.
19 years later
I finally get to hear the sound of his voice...from a stupid video!!
not over the phone,
but some stupid impersonal video...
it is so hard being on the outside.
yeah, I know - I know,
patience patience patience
He is happy, he is healthy, he is in a good direction for life ...
yes, it brings both relief and genuine happiness for him
at the same time
i am tired of finding stuff about him
- it always leads me back to this place of more hurt from still missing him
i don't want to know "about him" - i just want a chance to get to know him